Conductors' remarks. The best sayings of famous conductors

Of course we are lying. Himself complete collection no one has any statements from the conductors. At least for the reason that every day somewhere on the planet there is an orchestra rehearsal and one can only guess what statements of the conductors the orchestra artists hear, how many wonderful aphorisms the maestro gives them.

Nevertheless, we have tried to collect the most complete version of the phrases and pearls of the conductors.

You must be so beautiful, tender and ... vibrant.

Double bassist: I shout to him that it's false, but he moves his hand a centimeter! Here you need all four!

To the timpani player: You should hammer nails into coffins in the cemetery, and not play the timpani!

Looking at two violinists: I've been looking for half an hour - when will one of the other hit the eye with a bow!

If you make a mistake again, I will insult you all.

I promise you employment in the underground passage, and I will personally agree with the cops and bandits so that they do not touch you. But I can't vouch for passers-by.

Whoever hears the celesta, an incentive prize is the smile of the orchestra conductor.

You have already missed one buzz - did not enter. It's better to get high together.

This is where complications come in.

If you were a woman, I would ask you to play hysterically here, but as a man, I ask you to play monumental.

What are you doing at the block? At your age!

The sound should be clear and round, like... a glass!

Now I have disturbed you so much that you do not understand anything at all!

Poulenc and Shostakovich have the same strokes. They lived at the same time, Poulenc just died before Shostakovich.

Those who feel now are low. Feel higher!

Skids, diarrhea nowhere in the world are considered a reason for being late for a rehearsal.

The animal is gentle, and the tail is rough.

Give me a rough la.

The main advice of this part? Practice restraint!

Do you know what swing is? It is not a male being. It's jazz!

No need to torment the harp like that and confuse it with a drunken husband.

I have no place with you in the same music!

Second trombone, I want to wish you that this is how they play at your funeral!

What kind of New Orleans are you setting up here? What, did you have blacks in your family?

From yourself try to blow! I have the impression that you are still in music school did not explain the direction of air flow in the mouthpiece.

I'm going to ask you to die for these eight bars, don't even breathe!

I will ask the scribes to write a bigger game for idiots!

Instead of a saxophone, you would have a Druzhba chainsaw in your hands. The sound is the same, but more money!

You play so legato that I think you have hiccups!

You are very beautiful Strong arms. Put down the instrument and strangle yourself with them, don't mock the music!

Violinists! If it were 1937 now, you would all be shot for sabotage.

Come home, give my condolences to your wife. How can you sleep with such an unrhythmic person?

You play all this so familiarly, as if you personally drank with Prokofiev!

Tell me, are you not ashamed? It would be better if you spoiled the air than this beautiful place in the adagio!

For the next concert, instead of a tailcoat, I will write out a canvas suit for you, you will play like in a fire band, if this is closer to you!

I stop all ceremonies, and from today I will begin to teach you to love, if not me, then at least music!

After each such concert, you should go to church and ask God for forgiveness. And don't forget to donate to the temple.

Only 5 rehearsals left!

The bassoons have not yet been taken into the mouth, but the trombones have already finished!

I say pipes! And they hug, kiss, sit.

There are many notes in Shostakovich, and they change all the time.

We all understand what “rr” is - this is tenderness, brought to the limit, as to your child ...

What does not coincide with the text of the overture - look with your fingers.

A note under a dot means that something needs to be done with it.

I will now tell you what notes are here - you will be very surprised.

There the devil knows what is written in the score. The scribe is a terrible person.

This is not a symphony orchestra, you can't hide in the crowd here, you have to play clean!

Play not what I demand, but what is written in the notes.

Gypsy fun is overshadowed by an impossible passage of trombones.

It is necessary to play as if you have accepted a little and are not in a hurry.

Pretend that you are musicians, not just assholes with pieces of iron.

Alts, where are you going?! And it would be nice if something decent climbed, otherwise it was F-sharp ...

Guys, these are “cuckoo sounds”, and not the approach of enemy aircraft!

All parts are like parties, and the first sopranos are invalids!

Women's choir! Sing along with your brains.

Tenora, why did you take the sound with a bubble?! ..

In decent orchestras, they don't stare at the conductor!

At eight the same pace, only 2 times faster!

Airy, like a flute in the bushes.

Play with your ears!

You should have absorbed this work with the teacher's milk!

Mendelssohn must be played without "Mendelsism".

It is necessary to take this note very firmly, even if it is very out of tune!

Get your manicure off the fretboard!

Move your left hand so that everyone thinks that you are alive.

They sit, waiting for the game to be put in their mouths...

Your pupils have dilated! Reduce your pupils, play on a small pupil, the state of the music depends on the state of your pupil!

Girls, you have fingers on your hand like Schwarzenegger's on his foot!

And if someone played out of tune, the main thing is to have time to look reproachfully at a neighbor.

Do not drown in your own talent!

I don’t need to spread all these snot with bows here! Wiped the neck and played dry! ..

Look at the party with one eye and look at me with both!!!

Number the bars, otherwise the eyes may shift, but the numbers do not!

Come home and practice, so that your whole apartment can play it ...

Why do you always try so hard to play as soon as I start conducting?

Tell me, please, is this how you played now after the conservatory? Tomorrow I will go there, strangle the rector and demand that your diploma be taken away from you!

People who play false should be jailed on the same basis as counterfeiters.

It would be better if you hit the timpani with your head, it would have turned out louder!

Stop staring at the neckline of the flutist, there are no notes, your part is on the music stand!

Trumpeters, although you sit above the trombones, they, unlike you, are men!

So I'll turn my back on you now, and you guess what I wanted to say!

Well, you have to hate each other so much to play like that!

Why didn’t they explain to you in childhood how the pipe differs from the pioneer bugle?

Shostakovich was not a boxer, but for such a game he would have been resurrected and stuffed your face!

And what fool told you that your place is on stage, and not at a construction site?

For such a solo, I would kiss you, it's a pity you are sitting far away. I'll be waiting for you at 10 am tomorrow in my office.

I have the impression that the pipes have an obstruction. Consult a gynecologist!

If you play the first number like that again, I will kill you all in turn, bury you, serve time, and then I will recruit a new orchestra!

You, my dear, have such an expression on your face, as if, except for the cello, you have never held anything between your legs in your life!

Are you afraid to go to the second branch? Say thank you that intellectuals go to the conservatory. Otherwise, the proletarians would have risen from their seats and beat all of you in the face for such a game!

Play pianissimo like I'm dead!

I know that you all hate me. Now think about how I should treat you?

If you think that a symphony orchestra differs from a tavern only in that it has more labukhs, you are greatly mistaken!

If it were my will, I would use this wand so that you would have renewed air permeability in the body!

When playing "piano", the air stream should be thinner than a mosquito pissing!

For such a game, in the old days you would have been sent to the taiga to cut down trees with a jigsaw.

Trumpeters, your lips should be like a chicken ass!

You should have ten bars of homosexuality in your intro!

The violas merge in ecstasy with the first violins and end up in the piano.

Play freely and musically, otherwise look at me!

Sforzando is a hard hit in the face and quickly run away.

Put it in the pianissimo solution...

When attacking the wedges, apply to a lesser extent, in more bounce…

Agogically pushing eighth notes inside the measure.

The imperative lies in the playing of the oboes.

Maybe put something forward? Or push? .. Or just lips? .. (to the horns)

In order for this to acquire a certain metrotectonic meaning, it is necessary to apply every 5th measure

Small drum! Play your crescendo with small inconspicuous dots. Well, how do you explain? Well, as if the salary is the same, but an increase is expected.

Double basses! Take out your scarecrow and show!

Feel the sixteenths - enjoy it.

You have one function - festivities according to texture.

He posted it and hid himself.

Please make sure there are no accidents!

Before I suggest...

Apparently I didn't get it right.

Don't drag us with your tail!

I didn't have enough pipes yesterday. Please add!

And now let's decompose Shatskaya.

Second violins, use your right hand!

Sergey! Set the linearity, weigh the parameters and find the medium.

You need to stick your left finger into the neck!

Take in right hand all your tenderness!

Brahms decided to take a little surprise.

Someone honestly holds a quarter there until it stops.

Connected in terms of connection in one single phrase.

Masterful sound, just like I conduct!

I scream, I scream - you still don't see it!

Sudden subito piano.

Put another like in my hand!

Information is in my hand!

I do things with my hands!

I'll be ear closer to you so the triplets hit together.

The piano sits nearby!

There is no hardness in my hand!

Some brake!

I stand like this for a long time with my hands!

My hand thinks about it!

My hand behaved like this.

It is necessary that one hanging note be heard.

Moments of languor in the forks are needed!

When the rhythm goes astray, there is little pleasure!

All the same, the tail was a little ahead.

For some reason, our horn is giving birth in agony.

I will take this note separately by hand.

I conduct rhythmically… I hope.

I seem to be conducting smoothly.

The new pace still needs to be taken by hand, and not from the ceiling.

Place something like that in the party!

Vigorously, the language is very active!

You don't like what I show!

I'm holding my finger for you!

It is necessary to think from the head, and not from the bow.

Stringers, respond to my big gestures!

Move your eyes where you need to!

I'll be back and forth, and you will play the machine.

Enter a little here.

(To the stagehands) Remove all brass players, except for the one who is busy.

Don't expect anything from me! Last time conducting...

Pull, get stuck...

(Rehearsing "Champagne Gallop") Where you stick your glasses is up to you.

(About his own creation) Instrumentation itself will give strength.

Ears must be extremely pointed!

Ears must be very active!

Not for me, but for my ears.

(Conducting the part) Do you think I don't have a score - so I don't know anything?

Now there is a pause!

It is important to immediately put the character of this stroke into the hand and into the head.

(To the orchestra - about the soloist) There are many of you - she has one sound.

Dropped the sound.

If the head listens carefully...

"Scheherazade" is a serious thing!

The contrabass went back and forth somewhere.

Look for skill!

We kept in about a good rhythm.

Made uncle happy!

Linearity is complete!

Breathe a little faster...

I'm not just shaking the air, I need it!

You write and write, but listen with your ear.

We're still in the culmination zone!

I'm talking to you, not to anyone else!

Where I shouted "more, more!".

Now we take Delilah. Hurry, she's already down!

Here you need to pull a little!

Watch me show this.

The tree ran somewhere...

We swear on the clock.

Do it in a way that doesn't bother me...

It must be an extraordinarily beautiful fall.

French horn! Did you hear that enough was enough?

We need to break the back copper!

Eighths should be something in between.

Concerto for violin in pieces.

I deliberately conduct smoothly.

How many notes, how many notes! And I'm alone...

I didn't really feel what you did.

Feel my hand in this place! (Dialogue of two ladies. - Do you want? - No!!!)

This is what you get dirty and with a push.

Part of the orchestra takes, but the other does not take and then catches up ...

Tolya! Why does everyone take it and you don't?

I want to help, but I have something else ...

I don't conduct behind the music!

I have been sitting in this place for a long time. (I remember: “For the sixth year I reign calmly ...”)

Pianissimo play very quietly!

Before that, you need to do this.

The horn is still hanging. Forgotten, right?

Fine. Did not work out.

So here it is: take it and put it in!

Do it here and there.

The soloist is still swinging.

Take off the tails!

You knew what was waiting for you!

Don't stick your pizzicato anywhere!

Take the third share from me, and not somewhere else.

I even forgot how to conduct with you.

Open Duo Silva and Edwin, we will make a change there. (Remark: - They will sing together?!)

After the intermission - New Year.

There is a problem - this half of the first violins see very poorly. (Hint from the floor: “And the other half is hard of hearing!”)

Vadim asks to play more freely here.

The first violins should prevail.

Girls! Don't upset me unnecessarily!

You need to think in D-flat!

Pulse in eighths!

Draw yourself whatever you want: stop here!

Full order! Just not together...

Everyone gets forte.

Everything depends on your reinforced concrete pulse!

Here everything is superimposed on a calm cello.

Very tight on the first note!

We must not think - we must act!

Push the bow, unleash the sound!

Give yourself the trouble to make two forte with your right hand.

Cut straight!

Do not leave the top note to the mercy of fate, caress it!

Smells like kindergarten.

Take it not as nonsense, but as an image!

Here it is necessary to play not according to the hand, here it is necessary to play evenly!

Here the violins have a delay ...

And the violinists did it, although we rehearsed yesterday ...

I'll try to make sure everything is done by hand, don't worry.

The pulse is gone.

They bring it to white heat, and then they want to get something.

Murderer! Complete zero!

The trombones kicked in the face with their introduction and fell into the ditch.

I conduct like an idiot!

I'm jumping here, but there's still no sound!

French horns! You must tear everything to shreds!

We strangled the soloist here!

No need to hold a whole note like a stick!

This is real Brahms meat!

Dungeon dash!!!

Get the information in your head.

Do not play with sticks, but with hearts!

Mobilize attention!

Hit it multiple times!

Of course, here you have to scratch with might and main!

The little one didn't get there.

There is nothing left to give!

Pull everything at the same time!

I can't put it in everyone's mouth!

Tree! Communicate with me!

By the way, I'm not talking nonsense now! .. I hope.

What are you offering me dead meat!

F-sharp do not pull back so much!

Let's squeeze this piece, and we ourselves will enjoy it.

Somewhat blurry picture with a tree.

Where are your beautiful eyes?

This place should be intimate… That is, very quiet.

Hold long notes and pull out the end!

Lick every note!

Behind my back everything is veiled.

PHRASES OF CONDUCTORS OF SYMPHONY ORCHESTRAS

(From the Moscow conservatives through Alexei Nasretdinov)

Only three rehearsals left to shame!

The bassoons have not yet been taken into the mouth, but the trombones have already finished!

I say pipes! And they, look, hugging, kissing.

A note under a dot means that you need to do something with it.

I will tell you now what notes are here - you will be very surprised.

There the devil knows what is written in the score! The copyist is a terrible shit man.

This is not a symphony orchestra for you, you can’t hide in the crowd here, you have to play cleanly!

Play not what I demand, but what is written in the notes.

Gypsy fun is overshadowed by an impossible passage of trombones.

It is necessary to play as if you had a little drink and are not in a hurry.

Pretend that you are musicians, not just assholes with pieces of iron.

In decent orchestras, they don't stare at the conductor!

"Eight" - the same pace, only 2 times faster!

Play airy like a flute in the bushes.

Alts, where are you going? And it would be nice if something decent climbed, otherwise it was F-sharp!

Guys, these are “cuckoo sounds”, and not the approach of enemy aircraft!

All parts are like parties, and the first sopranos are invalids!

And if someone played out of tune, the main thing is to have time to look reproachfully at the neighbor.

Do not drown in your own talent!

I don’t need to spread all these snot with bows here! Wiped the neck and played dry!

Look with one eye at the party, and with two at me!

Number the bars, otherwise the eyes may shift, but the numbers do not!

Come home and practice so that your whole family knows how to play it ...

Why do you always try so hard to play as soon as I start conducting?

Women's choir! Sing along with your brains.

You should have absorbed this work with the teacher's milk!

Mendelssohn must be played without "Mendelsism".

Alts! Let the moment of your giftedness take effect.

We must take this note very firmly, even if it is false!

Get your manicure off the fretboard!

Move your left hand more strongly so that everyone thinks that you are alive.