Three reasons to help forgive and let go of a person. How to forget grievances

Can you remember a time when you actually told someone, “I forgive you”? Forgiving another person who has harmed you is not always easy. It will be even more difficult to forget that he hurt you. In this article, we'll look at how to forgive and forget grudges for your own well-being and mental health.

In life, it can be useful to deal with pain and anger in order to then move on! When you stop, get angry or upset, it doesn't cause your offenders as much pain as you cause yourself when you hold on to something that hurt you.

When someone has wronged you, it is better to try to forgive that person and ultimately forget what happened, although you will never actually forget (as a fact) that they once hurt you.

How to forgive someone? This means “letting go” of your resentments and dissatisfaction towards this person. Only then can we be okay, at least with ourselves. Forgiveness is critical to healing relationships and clearing your mind.

Why should we forgive anyone?

When we think about how to forgive someone who has hurt us, we often feel like we are letting them off the hook. This limiting belief prevents us from healing.

We don't necessarily forgive that person for their own good. Instead, we're going to do this because we can get relief. The purpose of forgiving others is not so that they can be like a “blank slate” (we are not God!!!), but so that we can be cleansed.

Remember that you will have some anger in your life (which happens naturally). But the problem arises when you do not let it go, but carry it within yourself and “cook” in it.

Look at the situation this way: everyone makes mistakes in this life. We are all human and sometimes we act selfishly. Try to think of the situation as a “mistake.” It's important to remember that none of us are perfect, and if we made the same mistake - would we want forgiveness? Have you ever caused suffering to someone unintentionally? Was your mistake so bad that you couldn't hope to be forgiven? Putting yourself in the shoes of someone who has hurt you can be difficult, but it can help you see the other side of the situation more clearly and find a way to forgive those who have hurt you.

How to truly forgive: steps to freedom

Here are the keys to effective forgiveness that will teach you how to forgive people who have offended you. These tips will help you move from pain to freedom and a healthy life.

• Step 1 - Acknowledging the pain

The first step in learning how to forgive is to accept the fact that you have been hurt. Some of us have big egos that may need work because we don't want to admit that we've been hurt or that we could be hurt at all. Awareness of pain and resentment is already the first step in the beginning of the process of forgiveness.

What to do if the person who treated you badly no longer lives? What to do if you were wronged 20 or 30 years ago? Even if this person is not available to you now (for whatever reason) to discuss the situation, this does not prevent you from forgiving him.

Forgiveness is not denying the offense. We must admit that this really happened. Denying that you are offended (or offended) means that it is too painful for you to deal with emotions. Once this recognition is made, we can move on to the next step.

• Step 2 - Don't expect an apology

Even if the person never apologizes for what happened, decide within yourself that it is okay to continue your life and work without those apologies. An apology should not be seen as permission to forgive. Even without an apology, set your mind to forgive, forget and let go. You make the decision to forgive someone for your own good. If you truly decide to forgive them, then you are already halfway to recovery.

You are going to free someone else from their “debts” to you. You felt hurt and angry at how poorly they treated you, and you felt that they now owed you - owing you just as much (which they may never be able to repay you). This is exactly what you are going to release.

How to truly forgive? In essence, you can tell yourself, “They don’t owe me anything. I forgive their debts. They hurt me, but God will deal with them on His terms. I'm letting it out of my hands."

In the same situation, if a person still comes to you for forgiveness, give him a chance to apologize. Although you may be angry and not want to listen to the person who hurt you, it is important to receive an apology from them. Let him apologize to you for the damage he caused. This will help you begin your healing. Perhaps you will see that the blame for the situation lies partly with you. Before you can allow this person back into your life, you must be able to forgive yourself. This is probably the most difficult part of the process because you have to be completely honest with yourself.

Try to be open and listen carefully to explanations of what happened. Understanding the causes can often provide a clear picture of what happened. Questions will also help. Tell the person that you are hurt, that you have questions and want an honest answer to them. Listen to the answers you get and if they are not good enough for you, say you want to know more. Getting to the core of why someone hurt you can help you deal with the pain and forgive that person.

• Step 3 - Forgive and be patient

Make a conscious decision to forgive someone for something.

Conventional wisdom might say that if you don't tell a person that you have forgiven them, then you really haven't done it. This is simply not true. Remember, we forgive for our benefit, not theirs. It is possible to forgive someone without even letting them know it. Forgiveness is between you and God.

This is liberation from your personal grievances. Others don't necessarily need to know about it. You do not necessarily have to tell the person that you have forgiven them, but you must sincerely release the person from their debt. If you believe in a Higher Power, let him go. Open yourself to the idea that justice will be done in a different way. If you are inclined to prayer, pray for them. Pray that they can live a better life.

It may take some time for your pain to go away. You cannot expect the pain to disappear the moment you say “I forgive you.” Be patient. You have made the decision to forgive, and your feelings will change over time.

If you still find it difficult to forgive someone, then seek help. Talk to a spiritual director or someone else you trust. Pour out your feelings to them and get help from them. But don't continue to carry the heavy burden of resentment. You deserve to be happy.

• Step 4 - Set up restrictions for another

Once you have forgiven someone, it can be difficult to allow that person back into your life fully. Not everyone who forgives reconciles with the person who hurt them. There are relationships that are toxic and even physically dangerous. If someone is dangerous, then be alert around them.

While it is possible to forgive the person and move on, it may also mean that the person can no longer play an active role in your life. After the forgiveness process, your emotional and physical safety is very important.

Once you have forgiven, you can set limits. For example, take a promise from another that he will not hurt you. If he truly accepts it, you will allow him back into your life. Let this happen step by step. You can start by only allowing him to talk on the phone once or twice a week.

In the future, you can meet periodically for short periods of time. Give the other one time. Tell the person who hurt you that you need space. Explain that it will take you a little longer to learn to forgive and forget. It's hard to think clearly when the person who hurt you is always around you.

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Time and space are necessary for our healing. Try to take this time to find out how much you have truly learned about how to forgive and forget. Remember that nothing is more terrible than when we cannot forgive and let go of pain. Even if you were hurt so badly that you can't talk to them again - it's still important to forgive... for your own mental health. And time, as they say, heals all wounds.

Resentment is a feeling that destroys and harms emotional and physical health. A person who constantly warms up, feeds and strengthens negative feelings in his heart cannot fully enjoy life, sees negativity all the time and lives in fear of repeated betrayal.

IT IS IMPORTANT TO KNOW! Fortune teller Baba Nina:“There will always be plenty of money if you put it under your pillow...” Read more >>

In order to normalize the psychological state, restore joy and harmony in life, you should realize how dangerous it is to keep feelings to yourself and how important it is to learn to forgive.

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How to let go of a grudge?

Letting go of a person and getting rid of all negative thoughts is not always easy. To throw off the burden of grievances and worries, you need hard and high-quality work on yourself and your emotional state.

Steps on the path to forgiveness of grievances must be taken consistently and then you will be able to get rid of this oppressive feeling.

How to get a girl out of depression

Control over feelings

All sensations and thoughts that plague and disturb cannot be blocked and driven into your heart. Everyone experiences this kind of thing, so it’s important to come to terms with it.

The only thing that will help you completely free yourself from feelings of resentment is time. Everything that happens to a person tends to end, so you need to get through a difficult period and not make resentment the center of your life. Gradually the feelings fade away and the woman feels better.

Don't torture yourself and blame yourself. Parting with a loved one, breaking up a relationship is not a reason to label yourself a loser or a bad person. Having lost a man, a woman does not lose her virtues, strengths and successes.



How to forget a loved one

Pondering the Consequences

Negative motivation has enormous power in the fight against negative thoughts. It makes you think about what will happen if you don’t let go of the grudge, but continue to live with it.

A person driven by negative motivation may begin to think like this:

• all the pain will constantly grow, like poison it will begin to eat away at the heart, getting stuck in the throat like a lump, forcing you to suffer;
• resentment provokes the development of cancer, so high mortality is observed precisely among touchy people;
• Living with a feeling of resentment, a person sees enemies in all people, is afraid to trust someone again, so his personal life suffers;
• negative energy suppresses sunny and bright feelings - joy, love, faith and fidelity;
• resentment can be an incentive to take revenge on another, pushing you to bad, rash actions.

Therefore, it is worthwhile to understand well what resentment is - a helper or an enemy.



Positive motivation

A powerful weapon on the path to getting rid of a heavy burden is a clear vision of all the benefits that will be possible if you quickly forgive the offense and let it go. The main ones:

• freedom and independence from the actions of others;
• relief from pain, torment and low self-esteem;
• a state of lightness, the heart will be filled with joy, energy and positive feelings, which are much more pleasant to live with;
• by letting go of the grudge, the girl will be able to more easily build relationships with others, adequately assessing people, without attributing to them selfish motives for communication;
• a less touchy person looks like a strong, confident and joyful person, and therefore attracts others more towards him.

Success in life accompanies those who have learned to ignore the mistakes of others and live a full life.

Dialogue with the offender

When a person begins to be visited and then constantly haunted by negative thoughts and grievances, it is important not to succumb to emotions, but to continue to think sensibly, having understood the situation. It is worth analyzing the reason why your lover could offend. Perhaps the man did not see anything offensive in the words he said and did not notice that he had offended his beloved. Or the reason is in upbringing, the past.

If there is resentment, you cannot remain silent. You need to be the first to approach and talk to the offender, talk about your feelings, clarifying all the misunderstandings.

You should not wait for the moment when a person himself realizes that he is wrong, comes up and asks for forgiveness.

Active life is the key to success

To forget your husband and remove the pain in your heart, you should not resort to alcohol or seek solace in food. You should learn to continue to enjoy life and pamper yourself: play sports, go to beauty salons, engage in self-development, start learning a new language or go on a trip.

After the betrayal of a loved one, pain and disappointment are easier to endure with people who can listen and support in any actions and decisions.

In addition to true friends who can console you, it is important to have support. This is something that can give you confidence and make you feel like a strong and meaningful person. For example, a favorite activity, work or helping those who are in difficult and unpleasant circumstances.

Psychology notes that helping others is an excellent opportunity to help yourself distract from your own problems and let go of negative thoughts.

Anything that happens in life is an experience. However, it is important not to remain living in the past, but to try to imagine what new and interesting things life can bring.

Forgive and let go. But how?

The magic of forgiveness

Any healer of the soul, be it a psychologist, priest or healer, knows that forgiveness has a certain magical power. It always involves internal work on oneself, sometimes requiring not one, but hundreds and even thousands of steps. If you say: “I have forgiven you,” but you still feel heaviness in your soul, it means you have not forgiven yet. Everyone who has managed to truly forgive feels a surge of strength, lightness and inspiration. You truly become freer because you have removed a significant block in the path of your life currents. And here it is important to understand: forgiveness is an act of mercy towards oneself, and not a favor and generosity towards offenders and enemies.

From the point of view of Gestalt psychologists, every situation that has not ended can take away a person’s energy. To forgive means to say goodbye, that is, to complete and let go of an unpleasant or painful episode. In other words, stop being a victim, put an end to it and regain your inner strength. There are many psychological techniques for forgiveness, but each person has his own path.

Why forgive?

The first step to take is want to forgive. Motives can be different: for the sake of one’s own health, freedom and spiritual harmony. Or to stop suffering, let go of old connections and open the door to new love. Or perhaps you want to reconcile and give the relationship another chance. It is important to realize why you are ready to forgive.

Retrieve and neutralize

Some mental wounds are so deep and long-standing that a person forgets about them, he “licked” them long ago, drove them deeper into the subconscious, erased them from memory, but this does not mean that he healed them. Scars caused by severe insults, mental trauma and emotional turmoil will not disappear on their own. They make themselves known as soon as something reminds them of the situation. Without letting go of the pain of the past, a person cannot live a full life in the present. For example, betrayal and pain of loss of love, may be expressed in refusal of new relationships. Often this happens unconsciously: a man or woman avoids close relationships, breaks off contacts as soon as he feels that he is starting to fall in love. Resentment towards parents, which stretch from childhood, affect relationships with your other half, prevent you from expressing your personality in a free way and achieving success. Important see them, get them to the surface. Of course, with this memory the pain may return again. And is it worth “picking” the past for this? Yes. Here, as in surgery, you have to “open up the abscess” so that it becomes easier later.

In order to get rid of experiences, you need to not only recognize them, but also express them. And if the offender is not around, has he long since sunk into the past? Or do you live in the same family with him, meet him at work, see him every day, but cannot show your rejection? Psychologists in such cases offer different options: for example, write this person a letter, in which you need to talk about your feelings. What to do with this message later is up to you: you can burn it, tear it up, or even send it to the recipient. The main thing is to realize your feelings and express them. Another option is to imagine that the person is sitting opposite you (put an empty chair there) and talk to him. Ask questions, moving to his chair to give an answer on his behalf. This technique is called " The two-chair method. Or you can just talk to a large plush toy (crocodile, hippopotamus, bear - any), imagining that this is your offender, and even beat him if you want (for this they also beat pillows). The effect will be if you express your emotions to the end. Of course, with the help of a psychotherapist, such techniques work faster and more reliably. The point of therapy is that a person experiences pain again, but in a safe environment, expresses it and, finally, becomes free.

Understand the motives

Even in ordinary controversial relationships, it is difficult for us to imagine ourselves on the other side of the barricades in order to understand someone else’s position. But what about situations in which emotions were hurt, you felt insulted, offended, or for a long time you experienced the unworthy behavior of someone close to you? However, here too you need to be able to abstract yourself from emotions, at least for a while, and try to find the motives of the offender. It often turns out that he is guided by weaknesses, not strength. Let's say that parents who suppress their own children, in most cases, were themselves deprived of love and a happy childhood. A husband who raises his hand against his wife may subconsciously be afraid of women. The father turns away from the “disobedient” son, who did not live up to expectations (became a musician, not a pilot), in the depths of his soul he hoped that the child would realize the dreams that he himself could not fulfill. Realizing the motives of other people, you stop seeing yourself only as a victim: he did this to me because he doesn’t love me, I’m not needed, I’m not valued... The emphasis shifts from your own feelings to the inner world of another person, you begin to see his imperfection, weaknesses and troubles. This also helps not to hold a grudge and let go of grievances.

spring-cleaning

Many of us intuitively feel: when something is not going well in life, stagnation has set in, or troubles have overcome us, we should thoroughly clean our home and throw away all the trash. Followers of positive psychology believe that such general cleaning should be done not only in the house, but also in the soul. Famous writer of motivational books Louise Hay I am sure that when something hurts, look for someone to forgive. For spring cleaning, it is useful to make a list of all the people who have met on your path, starting from childhood. At the top of this list should be the people closest to you or those who hurt you the most. Try to forgive them gradually, step by step. By the way, do not forget that for complete happiness, you need to forgive not only others, but also yourself - after all, quite often we scold, punish or dislike ourselves for some misdeeds or mistakes. Forgive yourself and others, and life will become easier, life will become more fun!

How to forgive an insult?- the question itself leads us to the fact that intuitively we understand that this is better for our physical and emotional state. Forgive, let go, don’t think anymore... Don’t invest your energy in a generally fruitless endeavor.

Don't accept any negativity. Until you accept it, it belongs to the one who brought it.

How to forgive an offense is a difficult question. People are all different and everyone has different grievances and the ways to “forgive an offense” will also be different.

In this article we will look at them.

We all take offense: we take offense at others (most often our loved ones), at fate, at ourselves.

There is even such an expression “ offended by the whole world" Some people easily let go of grievances, others remember them all their lives. We all know very well how resentment affects our health, well-being, and mood.

Sometimes you want to stop being offended, but somehow you can’t. This pain sits there inside and that’s all, especially if you begin to remember other grievances (and we often do this purely automatically).

Resentment - what is it, its origins

Let's start with the fact that resentment is the experience of self-pity and anger towards the offender, condemnation of him.

Resentment is born in childhood. Babies have feelings, not resentments. The child learns about resentment in preschool age. Remember how little children usually say: “Then I’ll be offended by you.” They learn that they should be offended if someone does not do what they want. Although they are not offended, as long as they just say it.

Resentment is simply a learned reaction. As a child, our parents decide everything for us. We just don’t have enough (attention, toys, etc.) Resentment is a good remedy for... Getting what you want, bypassing the interests of another person. One is offended, the other feels guilty. Often people use this all their lives.

Resentment arises if our expectations do not coincide with reality, everything did not happen the way you wanted, you did not hear what you would like. And others offend us because their expectations of our actions or words do not match what they expected.

Injustice and resentment

Human life is generally one continuous continuous injustice. No matter what World you were born in, you can rest assured: there will be enough injustices for your lifetime, if only you had the desire to seek them out!
Max Fry.

Resentment is often associated with such a concept as injustice. We often take offense at things that seem unfair to us. Why did they yell at me? Why did they do this to me? How am I worse than him?

But here there is rather more indignation than resentment.

Let's think about whether there is injustice. After all, this is what we came up with ourselves, our thoughts. It was we who decided what was fair and what was not.

Life is what it is. And it is absolutely fair, everyone gets what they deserve, what they need for their development.

Think about it: is there any injustice in nature? We create everything negative that happens to us ourselves, through our incorrect understanding of life and actions. These are all just our beliefs. If you change your judgments and beliefs, then life begins to treat you differently.

Some will disagree with me, I'm sure. How can this or that be considered fair? But the world is much bigger than we know about it, and not everything in it is given to us to understand. And we are not talking now about the anger and indignation that injustice causes, but about resentment.

Misunderstanding and resentment

We get offended when those closest to us do not understand us. It seems to us that we are not loved, not appreciated, etc. But we are who we are and we have the right to our own opinion.

Why don't they understand you? Because each person has his own idea about the world, about people, about what is right and what is wrong. Do you always understand others? Are you ready to understand them? If it is sometimes so difficult to understand yourself, then how much more difficult it is to understand others! We cannot always and, most importantly, want to understand everyone!

Many things in life require a deeper look, a look from the outside, detached, at least sometimes, from ourselves!

We are especially offended by those who are important to us, whom we love. We sometimes do not pay attention to offensive words in line in transport, but we can remember the words of our best friends, husband, wife, and relatives for a very long time. Because these people are significant to you, their attitude towards you is important to you. They usually hit you where it hurts the most.

Who do you offend the most? (and don’t say that no one has ever been offended by you!)

With strangers, we still think about whether to say something or not to say it. But with family... Remember what hurtful words we sometimes say to each other.

Carefully, slowly, choosing words...

Don't scream in your hearts. Everything is so subtle... and tender

The soul is defenseless against the cruelty of words...

Don't waste time on evil deeds...

The deadline is already short, why shorten it deliberately?..

I beg you, choose your words!..

Please speak with restraint, please speak with restraint...

Carefully,.. do not spare warmth for the dear ones...

Gentle... let the words, like the soul, be gentle...

May things be good and the road bright!..

Temporarily, you understand, we are here with you temporarily...

Anastasia Laretskaya

Misunderstanding and perception of the situation

After all, sometimes it happens that in fact no one wanted to offend you, you yourself perceived the situation that way.

For example, parents are often offended by their adult children. But sometimes it doesn’t even occur to children that such an act or word will offend, because they have not been in their shoes.

Often, resentment arises when a person strives to be needed, infringing on his interests, he accumulates fatigue, irritation, and begins to be offended that he is not appreciated. “I am everything to you, and you!” A person expects the same attitude towards himself.

It happens that a person wants to help someone out of the kindness of his heart, but in return receives hurtful words or, conversely, offends the other person (infringing on his pride)

Never rush to help, do not bother with advice if no one has asked you for it.

Resentment and our internal problems

Sometimes a person gets offended by such trifles that it would never even occur to another to be offended. Resentment is a reaction to our internal problems. After all, everyone has their own painful points.

Often resentment is a desire for a higher assessment of you, your actions, and achievements. The more internal problems a person has (rejection of himself in something), the easier it is to offend him.

We are not offended, we offend ourselves by reacting in this way. We simply unconsciously agree with some conditionally bad action (or judgment) addressed to us.

It is very difficult to admit to ourselves that we have qualities that we do not accept in ourselves. And that is why it hurts us so much when this is pointed out to us.

How to forgive an offense

How to learn to forgive people and let go of grievances?

• First of all, try to calm down and analyze the situation, neutrally, thoughtfully, critically, drawing the right conclusions for yourself. Figure out what hooked you so much and why. Maybe you yourself were to blame for the situation or simply perceived it incorrectly.
• Try to change your attitude towards the situation, look at it from the outside, try to understand your offender.

You’re not offended by the bad weather that ruined your vacation, or by the cat that scratched you until you bled. You say they have no mind.

But think about the fact that people also offend you, most often without thinking. At this moment they are thinking about themselves, and not about you (someone is taking out a bad mood on you, he needs to let off steam, blame someone, etc.)

Of course, sometimes they can offend in order to hurt someone. Well, here you yourself deserve it. Sometimes you provoke this attitude yourself.

What needs to be done to remove and stop suffering from long-standing grievances too?

• Write all complaints on a piece of paper. Ask yourself: What and why am I offended? What can I do to let go of the grudge? When the answers are found, write a letter to the offender, without mincing words, tell him everything. Then tear up the letter. It will become much easier for you.
• You can use yakal translation (one of the Simoron techniques) - we describe the conflict with someone who offended you, then replace all the pronouns he/she (offender) with “I”.
• Erasing resentment (revision according to Castaneda, a technique based on pulling out an old resentment, looking at it from a new perspective and letting it go, can be done many times until it actually becomes easier, all in combination with proper breathing).

Remember that no one can offend you if you do not want to accept it and be offended yourself.

• If you are a very touchy person, then it is best to find all your sore points, because you are usually offended by the same thing and work with it. There are plenty of ways to do this.

And if we really want warmth and understanding from other people, we need to learn to understand others ourselves, to accept them as they are. Give your warmth without expecting anything in return.

You already know how to forgive an insult. Treat the world and people in such a way that everyone feels good about it. And the world will answer you in kind.

Which we dealt with in the last two articles. But subtle mental pain from past grievances wounds our heart, causing suffering and prick after prick, pushing us back to thoughts about the past, which, as we know, cannot be brought back. Today within "Spring Brain Cleansing" we will learn about how to learn to forget past grievances and look not to the past, but to the future, and we will conduct a short training on eliminating existing grievances.

What is resentment?

There are several options for defining the concept "resentment", but I think this one is the most accurate:

Resentment is our long-term reaction to another person’s unfair treatment or to an action that did not live up to our expectations.

This reaction is expressed in the fact that you begin to feel anger towards the offender and self-pity. It turns out that resentment is a combination of two destructive qualities, and resentment must be fought.

When do we get offended?

Unfulfilled expectations can be different, and accordingly, grievances vary.

Let's say your boss calls you a slob and a bum, while you are trying your best to do your job well. Of course you are offended. Or a friend asked to watch a DVD with a film, but lost it somewhere. If this disc is important to you, you will also be offended. Your best friend chose not you, but another person as a witness for the wedding - you are offended by both. Is your wife (husband) nagging you that you can’t cope with family responsibilities? Again, insult. In your opinion, is your wife (husband) not fulfilling her responsibilities? The same. However, all these are petty grievances, rather even irritations, which in isolated cases are quickly forgotten and are unlikely to cause constant pain to your soul.

But there are grievances that are imprinted in the soul for many years. These could be school insults, if you were regularly and particularly unpleasantly offended by one of your classmates. These could be children's family grievances caused by the unfair treatment of you by your mother, father, or another relative. Resentments associated with your first love, your first independent work, or any other first and important steps in your life can also sit deep in your heart and hurt you. Another painful type of grievance is current and regularly repeated grievances and insults, when you are constantly underestimated and poked at the fact that you are not doing well enough or doing something that you consider wrong.

I remember myself and smile - for some time a whole heap of grievances lived inside me. In particular, a few years ago I was just plagued by two strong grudges against two of my best friends. I can’t say that this made my life calm and pleasant; on the contrary, it constantly distracted me, and I returned my thoughts to the past, trying to understand why they did this, and how things could have been different. Now I understand that it was a waste of time and nerves, and there is nothing worse than living in the past. I will try to help you do the same.

How does resentment arise?

Resentment arises in three successive stages.

1. Our expectations. Initially, we have a certain idea of ​​how a given person should behave. This is our personal subjective opinion.
2. Reality. We see how this person really behaves.
3. Comparison. We compare how a person behaves with how a person, in our opinion, should behave. If these two ideas diverge, depending on our attitude towards this person, bewilderment, irritation or resentment appears.

Accordingly, in order to overcome any offense, it is enough to consider each of these three stages of the “offensive” situation in such a way as to see what happened in the correct light and remove the reason for offense.

How to remove past grievances? Training at home.

You should work on eliminating resentment in a state of peace and relaxation.

First stage

The first step is to understand where our expectations of how our offender should have behaved came from. The causes can be very different:

• Expectations related to traditions, standards and stereotypes. In other words, we expect a person to behave in a manner that is customary. The wife must cook borscht, the husband must hammer in nails, gifts must be given on birthdays, and flowers on March 8th. If the expectation is not met, for example, a friend did not give you a gift for your anniversary, then resentment appears.
• Expectations associated with ownership. If a friend doesn't give you his car for the evening, then you may be offended, because friends are supposed to share. Or, on the contrary, a friend takes something of yours, but does not return it because he loses it, breaks it and forgets. This is also a reason for resentment.
• Expectations related to the assessment of your activities, your qualities and abilities. If you do something, but people around you don't like it, or they give you a completely different response than you hope to hear, then you get offended. Wrote a book and your friend said it was complete nonsense? It took you a long time to choose a gift for your sister, tried hard, decorated it, but she said that she didn’t need it? Do you work well, but your work is not paid at all what you deserve? Are you not consulted when preparing a project or event? A good reason to be offended.

Determine exactly what you expected from the offender. Take a sheet of paper, lay it horizontally and divide it into two halves. On the left side, write a detailed answer using this template:

“I thought [my abuser] would do [...] because [...].”

For example: “I thought that my brother would buy me a gift, because on birthdays it is customary for close people to give gifts.”

Or: “I thought that at school Petya Petrov shouldn’t constantly tease and hit me, because I myself didn’t do anything bad to him and, moreover, let him cheat.”

Have you written? Let's move on to the second stage.

Second phase

At the second stage, we need to determine what was really driving our offender when the incident itself occurred? By incident I will mean the situation that caused our offense.

In any situation, in order to evaluate a person’s actions, we are guided by at least two things:

• The information that we have. That is, by what we see, hear during the incident, and by what we know about the identity of the offender. If you know that your neighbor served 15 days for drunken brawling, then you will consider him a violent alcoholic, even if he stopped after that.
• With my experience. For example, if you are inclined to lie to your friends and acquaintances, then you will expect the same deception from them.

These two factors lead to the fact that in the event of an “offensive” incident, we not only do not have a real picture of what happened, but we also paint our own picture. As they say, “I saw what I wanted.”

Your task is to distract yourself from your personal thoughts and experiences and look at the actions of the offender from the outside, answering the question: “Why did this happen?” To do this, divide the right side of the sheet into two more parts.

First, imagine that a complete stranger who does not know any of you is observing the incident, and in the first part write several options for how he would answer the question posed? An outside observer knows nothing about who you are or what your relationship is, and can only guess. For example, in the above situation with the school bully, you could write this:

1. He is probably too aggressive and is looking for a way out for his aggression.
2. Perhaps he has some personal problems and is taking his anger out on others.
3. He's not right in the head and he's acting crazy.
4. Perhaps you offend his friends, and he, being stronger, offended you in return.

After each point, leave room for about one more sentence.

The second thing to do at this stage is to look at the incident through the eyes of the offender, and, based on the information we have about him, assume why he did what he did. We write the received data in the second part.

1. His father constantly beats him, and because of this, he takes his anger out on those around him.
2. He needs to maintain his authority among his fellow scoundrels and normal schoolchildren.
3. He indulges in drugs and has absolutely no control over his actions.
4. He doesn’t like that I’m smart and he’s stupid.

The more points there are in these two parts, the more effective the result will be. Have you written? Let's move on to the third step and get rid of the resentment.

Third stage

In order to get rid of resentment, you must, first, realize that your expectations were wrong, and secondly, mentally justify offender. Yes, don’t be surprised, the resentment will not go away as long as you experience any negative emotions towards him.

Compare what you wrote on the left and right sides of the sheet. Now you can see how far your expectations are from what actually happened. This means that your expectations were wrong. Write: “I should not have expected [the abuser to behave as I expected].”. Eg, “I shouldn’t have expected that Petya Petrov wouldn’t beat me up just because I behave peacefully and let him cheat.”

Remember what resentment consists of? Out of anger towards the offender and self-pity. So, the realization that the offense arose only because you were greatly mistaken in your expectations gives you every right to stop feeling sorry for yourself. Yes, you deserve more, yes, someone doesn’t understand you, yes, everyone around you is goats and devils, but in that very “offensive” situation you were simply wrong in your expectations! The problem is not with you and not with the attitude of those around you!

After we realize that we were wrong in our expectations and have eliminated the first component of resentment, we move on to freeing ourselves from anger. It may not be simple, but the most effective, and in some cases, the only way to get rid of anger at the offender and throw resentment out of your soul is to justify and forgive the offender.

In order to justify the offender, divide the written reasons into “accusatory”, “compassionate” and “incorrect”. Compassionate reasons are those that can somehow justify the offender, for example, in our case, family problems or mental disorders. Accusatory ones are those that in this case do not justify a person in any way; for us, this is an opportunity to assert oneself and throw out aggression. Wrong reasons are reasons for which you are absolutely sure that they could not have occurred. For us, this means that you might have offended one of the offender’s friends, and we boldly cross out such reasons.

Now you need to turn the “accusatory” reasons into “compassionate” ones, having thought them out yourself. To do this, in the space left under each accusatory reason, write: "This is happening because...", and we assume that could justify the offender. To enhance the effect, you can give it a verdict:

“He needs to maintain his authority among his fellow scoundrels and normal schoolchildren. This happens because he does not have special intelligence, knowledge and intelligence, and thereby tries to prove that he is better than he seems. He was good at it at school, but he won’t achieve anything in life.”

“He is too aggressive and is looking for an outlet for his aggression. This happens because his psyche is disturbed, and in life he has no chance of being anything higher than a janitor.”

Have you written? Now read all the reasons received carefully and several times. Does this person still seem like an enemy to you, or is he just pathetic?

Last step

And now you have to take another important step, which may seem counterintuitive, but, nevertheless, is very important. After you justify the offender, forgive him and.

Why do you need to thank offenders?

Everything that happens in our lives, both positive and negative, first of all, gives us new experience and new knowledge. Even the action of another person, which caused deep resentment in us, makes us smarter and stronger. In principle, any such situation can be perceived as a new experience, and not as an insult, but this is up to you. In any case, forgive your offender and thank him for creating a “hurtful” incident that taught you a lot. Imagine your offender and mentally say: “I forgive you and thank you for giving me this knowledge, even in this way.”. Believe me, it will become much more pleasant and easier for you, because things like forgiveness and gratitude affect our most positive emotions. To consolidate your forgiveness, repeat all this on paper.

Tell us in the comments if you liked the article, and will you conduct this training for yourself to clear your head and soul of past grievances? How touchy are you and do you know how to forgive your offenders?