How to start an independent life: all about how to leave to live from your parents and where to get money for it. When to start living separately from your parents

Hello. I am 17 years old. I'm finishing the school. It so happened that I have a relationship with a girl. She lives in Yekaterinburg, I live in Moscow, we met on the Internet. I immediately realized that we are very similar, we have a lot in common. We fell in love with each other after a phone conversation, confessed and now we seem to be dating. But the problem is that we have never seen each other, and we cannot come to see each other either. However, our feelings are mutual and strong! I am from a good cultural family, it will be a shock for parents to find out that I have such a relationship! I don’t consider myself a lesbian, but rather a bi-sexual, because I fell in love with men and plan sooner or later, by the age of 30, to have children, maybe get married (if I’m lucky). Now we are entering institutes, she is in her city, I am in mine. Both are completely financially dependent on their parents. We are afraid to talk about our love. But we really want to meet, then live together. What to do? Help me please.

Psychologists Answers

Anna, the advice is very simple - and - "sorry if it seems too primitive to you."

"Just let things take their course."

And - I believe that everything will gradually get better - the way it will be right for you!

Good luck to you!

Petr Yuryevich Lizyaev - assistance of a medical psychologist, psychoanalyst in Moscow

Hello Anna! for now, it remains for both of you to study, get on your feet and gradually understand yourself - as long as there is financial dependence on your parents, until then it will hang on you like shackles. Your personal life is your space and you can keep your parents out of it so as not to face rejection. However, you yourself still have to understand yourself - so far there is only falling in love, behind which there is nothing yet - while you have come up with love and its image for yourself, BUT how relationships can be built in reality WILL be different from what you now imagine imagine! And you also need to be prepared for this. Understand why girls are attracted (perhaps this is as a way of their self-identification), when it arose, what kind of relationship they had with their parents (what model of a man and woman was in front of you and how you were formed in the role of a Girl). Are you afraid of relationships with young people and have you had any? You just have to figure it all out!

Shenderova Elena Sergeevna, psychologist Moscow

Anna, good afternoon!

You write "I immediately realized that we are very similar, we have a lot in common." It's so great to meet such a person. But is it love? Talk on the phone and immediately confess your love: isn't it too hasty? What is love for you? And did you know that opposites attract, not people who don't look alike?

Maybe your relationship with this girl is just friendly? You are interested in each other, you can share similar problems with her and much more ... It's great! And it's okay to look for and find people with similar interests. And without such a relationship, the life of any person is incomplete. But! Why seek sexual relations with friends? Maybe it's just a tribute to fashion?

You are very young, but your attitude towards having children speaks of the traditional values ​​that your family has instilled in you. Why did you decide to deny yourself the joys of a traditional family? Maybe you are trying to prove something to your parents?

In your situation, I have more questions than answers and it is better to look for them with the support of a psychologist. Self-knowledge through reading literature on relevant issues will not be superfluous here either.

Karpova Lyudmila Nikolaevna, psychologist in Moscow

The beginning of an independent life is an important stage in the biography of any person.

When you first start living alone, it means financial independence and the freedom to make any decisions. Just yesterday you were a man who doesn't put on his pants until one in the afternoon and loves to watch football, and now you have turned into a man who does not put on his pants before one in the afternoon, loves to look at football and lives on his own. This slight difference is what makes you an adult.

Remember Uncle Ben said to Peter Parker, "With great power comes great responsibility." We get all the coolness of adult life at our disposal, but in return we are forced to deal with boring adult duties: interact with the boss at work, pay for a communal apartment, and generally live on our own.

This is true. All these grains of real life are the biggest pain in the ass that happens to adults. Of course, living on your own without neighbors and parents is cool, but literally everything else sucks all the members of the world. You do not trust me? When was the last time you heard someone say, “Man, try living on your own when you have to cook and buy toilet paper for yourself. COOL!"?

There are a billion sucky moments in living on your own, and I'll tell you about the most important ones.

1. Food is expensive

Have you ever wondered how much all that stuff in the fridge costs? I don't really. And then I discovered that I had to fill this refrigerator myself. And what turned out? All my favorite foods: cheese, honey, chocolate paste, fruits of all stripes are expensive. They are so expensive that I don't always buy them. I have enough money for an old-fashioned set like cereals, potatoes, basic vegetables, soy and cottage cheese (yes, I'm a vegetarian, stone me while I'm still here), but sometimes you have to save on delicacies. What can you do, it's a pain. If it weren't for rent, things would be much better. O breakfast cereals, o drinkable yoghurts, o tofu and tofu noodles from Chinese eateries, how few of you are in my independent life!

And healthy food is even more expensive. All those sprouts and whole grain pasta (I'm a pasta eater, I love pasta) are expensive. Stay out of these departments. Especially if you are standing on the border that separates the rogue from the normal person, like me.

2. The rent is expensive, the apartment is tiny, and the neighbors are musicians.

You will pay half your salary for rent, no matter what city you live in, and in exchange you will receive not the most luxurious apartment, a free bonus to which are neighbors who love to dance, hammer nails, drill walls, play drums, swear and wash clothes at three in the morning.

3. Bills are annoying and come at the most inopportune times.

About these monthly gifts: here is water, here is light, here is all the rest of the rubbish, get it, sign it. Imagine that you went on a date with a supermodel, and when you have already come to the point, she takes it and hits you in the balls. Feelings are about the same. Of course, to some extent, these bills allow us to do super cool things: turn on the lights and stay warm in the winter - but they also make you do other super cool things: give away money and make you choose between crackers for breakfast and cheese, and not enough without thinking about either.

Having to check your inbox for new bills makes your heart flutter like you're beating assholes in World War II. What can I say. Turn off the light in the toilet when you are not sitting in it. That's all I can help.

4. Things get dirty all the time

Having an apartment with things is like having a baby that constantly vomits. Dust, dirt, garbage, spider bugs - all this will be in your house if you don't clean up. Kitchens and bathrooms get dirty too, and that's even worse. Urgently start a girl and let her scrub it all.

5. You need to buy toilet paper often and as early as possible.

That's where the shock is. Toilet paper was just always in the closet when I lived at home. Remember that book that Harry Potter always had, even when they were in the woods? The same for me was toilet paper. She was always in my house, she grew straight out of the holder, and I always expected to see her in her place. Not that case. I just can't put it into words: you shit a lot more than you think and use more sracpapyrus than you think. Buy early and as often as possible. You won't regret it, I guarantee it.

6. Moving is the biggest stress in the world.

I am convinced that hell is a place where bad people go after death, and Satan forces them to move every two weeks. The first thing to remember about moving is that all your friends will immediately find family events scheduled right for that date, and no one will want to help you. Another thing to remember is that all your stuff weighs billions of tons and doesn't go through the door. And one last thing, everything you bought at Ikea is solid until you start moving it. When you move a table you bought in Ikea, made, as it was written, “from durable composite wood”, it turns out that in fact it was assembled from cardboard, which is held together only by a strip of cheese melted in a microwave.

Moving sucks. Friends suck. Ikea sucks. Processed cheese is cool, but it can't be used to make furniture.

I myself lived with my parents and relatives. Moved to a rented apartment. I share my personal experience. I look deeper into the topic of separation than just the territorial division.

For those who do not yet know, "separation" in psychology is the separation of an adult child from his parents and his formation as an independent person.

Separation from parents is a very broad topic from a psychological point of view. Living with parents greatly affects a person's thinking. I will not reveal all the subtleties here, but I will write more superficial moments so that everyone can understand and try them on.

When I studied the topic of separation, I heard that many people who are not separated are social phobes with a lot of fears. I didn't have this problem, so I don't have any experience with it. It is better to solve such questions with a psychologist or on your own by studying articles and videos of other people. For example, there are webinars by Denis Burkhaev - and. I have not studied these webinars specifically, but I am familiar with other materials of this psychologist, he says very competent things.

My separation experience

The issue of separation from parents touched me personally. When I finally decided to move, I was not 18, but not yet 30 years old. My view on the subject of separation may be useful to people within this age range.

I did not have any strong psychological fears. There was no need to move from parents to another city. The financial issue is not so much a concern, but spending money on a rented apartment is a significant part of the expenses for me.

I've been thinking about moving away from my parents for a long time. I am not the only child in the family, my brother has a different outlook on life. He lives with his parents and it doesn't bother him. I always wanted a better life, I was strained by household inconveniences, the inability to create a personal life, lack of responsibility.

I had doubts about whether to move out or not, but I weighed the pros and cons of living together and apart from my parents. I share with you my thoughts.

Benefits of living with parents

1. I don’t spend 25-35k a month on rent
This is really a big plus. This is the average salary in my city.
But I decided for myself this way: I allocate 60k to live for 2 months in a rented apartment. I spend this money and forget about it. If I don't like living separately from my parents, I'll come back. I am ready to acquire the experience of living separately from my parents by paying this amount.

2. No need to cook food
When you live with your parents, you can always have something to eat.
But I can cook my own food. In addition, I will also learn how to cook - this is a good skill.

3. No housework
You need to clean your room, but you don’t need to wash the floors in the hallway, wash the sink, toilet, stove.
But it's not a problem. I wash everything I need. At the same time, I find out how to wash the toilet, what is there, there seemed to be some kind of “Duckling”. It is not good at my age not to have experience in such everyday matters.

4. Experience of parents: how to iron, wash, screw
Parents can be asked how to make arrows on trousers, how to wash things: inside out or not.
But that's not a problem at all. Now all this can be found on the Internet.

5. You can count on the help of parents
There were cases when I ordered delivery of something by a courier to my home, but I myself was not at home. It's good that someone can help in such a situation.
But such situations do not happen often. And in general, sooner or later, parents will not be able to help in this, you need to become independent.

Cons of living with parents

1. Frequent noise in the apartment
It is impossible to work productively and engage in self-education. Work requires concentration. Reading books also requires a more relaxed atmosphere.

2. The toilet, bath, kitchen are often occupied
I wake up and instead of going to wash and cook food, I wait until all this is freed. Often my "morning" begins in the afternoon. And life goes on.

3. Dirty dishes in the sink, other people's things scattered around the apartment
I don't like dirty dishes in the sink when you don't pour water into the kettle. I do not like it when other people's personal belongings are scattered around the apartment.

4. Uncomfortable to bring a girl
Of course, you can bring, but we will not be comfortable here. Yes, and the girl may not want to go to an apartment in which other people are behind the wall.

5. Overprotectiveness
A child will always be a child for parents. They want to make their child better, protect him from some worries (not everyone is like that, on the contrary, they load someone). I had a guardian. When your parents try to do everything for you, a dependent person grows up. Being independent is important, especially for a man.

6. You can not build your life
If you want to invite someone to visit, it's inconvenient. Making improvements in the apartment is inconvenient, parents are against changes. Many restrictions due to living with parents.

7. Influence of parental thinking
The environment affects us. People who watch TV say that you can’t earn big money honestly, that all the rich have stolen, that you need to go to work like everyone else for a meager salary - this negatively affects. I have a different mindset.

Benefits of living apart from your parents

1. Independence, responsibility for your life
Yes. This is what I want.

2. Personal territory, order in the apartment
Yes. This is what will delight me when I walk around the apartment.

3. You can bring a girl
When you want, as much as you want, as much as you want. Comfortable conditions.

4. Calm atmosphere
You can work productively, study useful information and not be distracted.

5. Gaining experience in everyday life
Learning to do housework is a rewarding experience.

6. Household comfort, freedom
I wanted to use the toilet, bath, kitchen - everything is free. You can invite anyone, anytime.

Disadvantages of living apart from parents

1. Cash spending 25-35k per month
The amount, of course, is not small.
But I will spend money, but I will get experience. If you don't like it, I'll be back. I'll still make money.

2. You need to cook food
I will spend my time preparing food.
But cooking potatoes, buckwheat, frying a cutlet is not difficult and does not take long. I can handle it. But I will learn how to cook.

3. Housework
I will spend time cleaning the house.
But I will learn to take care of the house, I will learn about all these households, mops, rags.

4. No one will help
He will not insure, he will not give worldly advice.
But sooner or later you still have to deal with it yourself. Better now than if everything falls apart later. And in general, now on the Internet you can learn a lot.

5. Sad to not be around parents who might need help
Parents are not young, anything can happen.
But I don’t leave my parents, I don’t fly to the other side of the world. You can contact by phone. If they need help, I'll help.

6. It may not be safe to leave expensive items in the apartment.
Maybe the landlord will turn out to be a thief or the apartment will be surrounded by burglars.
But of the valuable things in the apartment will be only a laptop. And it is no longer the laptop itself that is valuable, but its contents. Backups solve this problem.

These are specifically my pros and cons of living together and separately from my parents. You may have some of the same points, and may be others. Think through your list of pros and cons, and then it will be easier for you to decide whether to move out from your parents or not.

After compiling my list, I clearly understood that I wanted to live separately from my parents. If you don't want to move out forever, then at least give it a try. Money spent is just money that can be earned. And I won't get back the time of my life.

In the end, I found a rented apartment and moved.

What did I gain from separation

• The day has become longer, even despite the fact that you need to go to the store and cook food. I get more things done. I wake up early in the morning, satisfied with life, doing all the morning things. Nobody interferes.
• Learned to cook.
• Gained experience in shopping planning.
• Learned how to do household chores around the house.
• Personal life.
  Thoughts stopped arising: “I’ll meet a girl, a date, and what’s next, where to bring her?” The internal state has changed. Yes, and a guy who does not live with his parents is more attractive to girls. More acquaintances with girls.
• Responsibility.
  Every day I make small decisions: what I will eat today, whether I need to go to the store, whether I need to defrost meat, whether household chemicals, washing, ironing, house cleaning are over. When a person makes many, even such small decisions, then his psyche gets used to being independent.
• New thoughts in my head.
  I guess everyone has their own thoughts. Both good and bad. I won't talk about mine.
• I felt complete freedom and a lot of opportunities. Here are my rules.
• A pleasant feeling "I can provide for myself." Here I am in my territory, I cooked my own food and ate well.

What did I lose when I moved?

• Money to pay for an apartment.

This is all. The benefits of moving are clear.

Results of the move

The time I spent on cooking, shopping, etc., I consider not wasted, but invested in my skills. But with money, the situation is different, because paying that kind of money for rent is still too much for me now. But this is a reason to earn more.

Renting an apartment is not financially profitable, but psychologically profitable. In general, living separately, there are more opportunities for getting a good income, but this takes time. They say that you need to get used to living separately from your parents, then there will be a motivation to provide for yourself, and you will earn as much as you need.

Now I see a good temporary option for renting a 2-3 room apartment with like-minded people. So that it was not a communal apartment with drunks, but with developing personalities. People who want to separate themselves from their parents are precisely those who strive for the best in life. It will be nice to live in the same apartment with such people. It turns out a triple benefit: separation, economic benefit, good environment. Therefore, those who cannot afford to rent a separate apartment can rent an apartment with like-minded people. You can find an ad or create your own on the page.

So is it worth moving away from your parents or not?

Have you answered this question for yourself yet? Haven't opened websites with ads for renting apartments yet?

If you want to be realized as a person, then of course move!

If possible, move out. At least for a couple of months. Spend that money on perhaps the best stage of your life, don't spare money on it. Spend and forget about them. Having lived separately, you most likely will not want to return to your parents.

You can find out how to avoid typical mistakes during separation, how to tell your parents that you want to live separately and answers to many other questions in Denis Burkhaev's webinar -.

If you lack thrills and emotions in life, there is a reliable way to change the situation and get a tangible dose of adrenaline. Live alone. Without caring parents, boyfriend, girlfriends and neighbors. All alone. Tête-à-tête with a refrigerator, stove, microwave, TV or a book.

While I lived in my parents' apartment, I slept practically on downy feather beds, consumed delicious food every day, and spent money only on entertainment. But despite such a purely selfish, even "hothouse" existence, all my adult life I dreamed of moving. As you know, without exception, all dreams come true - sooner or later. Therefore, one day I got at my disposal (in other words, rented) a cozy one-room apartment with all amenities. It's time to live separately from your parents. Adrenaline injections began from the first minute of the "new life".

moving day

I took only the most necessary: ​​photos in albums and frames, CDs, books that I read twenty times, a dried pumpkin to decorate the interior, fragrant candles and other "dust collectors", a computer. With hitherto unknown pleasure, she placed dishwashing detergents, toilet bowls, washing powder, etc. in the closet. In agony, she scrubbed the whole apartment. Furniture gave me the sharpest corners, objects fell from the shelves, and a variety of garbage, with which I "updated" the bucket, was disturbingly scattered in the corridor. The apartment, I thought, does not want to accept me. Tormented by superstitious fear, she called a wise friend. "Put some food in a saucer and put it on the windowsill. This is for the brownie," she advised. I decided to go for a walk, and at the same time to the store: the brownie should be appeased. I discovered that I am an incredibly economical and unpretentious housewife, whose weekly diet is a dozen eggs, a piece of cheese, sausages, potatoes and something else insignificant like ketchup.

According to modern psychologists, the longer you continue to bask under the wing of your parents, the more difficult the process of adaptation to new conditions will be. The habit of getting everything ready-made, from food to clean linen, is almost more harmful than smoking. It turns very independent-looking people into subjects absolutely unsuitable for independent existence. By the way, this applies to both women and men. Critical age - 30 years. If by this moment you have not married and your whole life passes under the sensitive mother's eye, you should seriously think about cardinal changes.

In adulthood, it is more difficult to adapt, change the way of life, learn duties that were not in the "diet" of the day before. A 30-year-old man who is accustomed to being "served" by his mother and leaving his father's house only on vacation has a good chance of remaining a bachelor. He will be lucky if he meets a geisha girl who is ready to be a mistress and a housewife in one person. A woman who seeks partnership and mutual support in a relationship will run away from him in a few days.

A few days later

The adaptation process is not as fast as I expected. I startle at every rustle and check several times whether the door is well locked. I thought for a long time about whether the robbers could first break the balcony window, then the inner one and silently enter the apartment. Audibility in the house is excellent, which only exacerbates my paranoia. When it occurs to the neighbors to take a shower or come home late (and this happens often!), Insomnia until three in the morning, until the last "owl" falls asleep, is guaranteed to me. I turn on the light - I look out the window (first floor); I turn off the light - I look out again. Last night, a young man decided to sit on a bench right under my windows. In horror, I forgot even about "Sex and the City" on TV. I established surveillance, which lasted from 23.00 to 23.15. The young man waited for the girl, and they left. It would be nice to put a knife or something like that under the bed.

In the new house, people are worried for no reason and are nervous exactly until the "alien" housing becomes "their own". It is necessary at an accelerated pace to bring comfort and realize your dream of an ideal home. While you lived with your parents, you willy-nilly had to put up with their tastes in choosing colors in the apartment, interior preferences and ideas about a cozy home. Now you can give free rein to your imagination and realize what you have long dreamed of. There is an almost childish joy in throwing colorful pillows on the floor, painting the walls of the corridor with red paint, sleeping on a flat mattress instead of a down bed, if you so desire ... And knowing that no one dares to say a word against it!

Having decided to live separately from your parents, and having moved to a rented apartment, it makes sense to make a rearrangement. Furniture and small details of the interior, left over from the previous owner, preserve his ideas about the house, his way of life and, if you like, energy. Even if you don't believe in Feng Shui and various magical zones, it doesn't hurt to create your own atmosphere. Sometimes a favorite picture on the wall and scented candles are enough for this. Sometimes you have to be more decisive. One way or another, when the apartment becomes "yours", the excitement about the strange rustle in the kitchen and the midnight neighbors will go away.

A week later

Made mushroom soup. It turned out thick, undersalted, but overall, in my opinion, very tasty. Mom came in, and, of course, I treated her to a culinary miracle. Mom said that she liked the soup, and then added that I should come to them with dad more often for dinner. I think the debut in the kitchen turned out to be successful. For me, this is especially important now: in a few days, friends will come to me for the first dinner party in the new apartment. There are two reasons at once: housewarming and my birthday. Huge responsibility, I don't want to disappoint them, so I buy two cookbooks. Probably, I will limit myself to a few salads - "Italian", "Cheese", "Olivier" and "Beans".

Housewarming is sacred. The first reception of guests in a new apartment is really an important matter. With bold culinary experiments, it is better to wait: nevertheless, the abilities of the new stove and oven have not yet been very well studied. Otherwise, you will treat your friends with blue soup, following the example of our English friend Bridget Jones. Limit yourself to simple and nutritious meals, and most importantly - do not overdo it with alcohol. Soldering the next morning with brine of friends who have gone over and washing the bath is an extremely dubious pleasure. Order housewarming gifts that are purely practical and useful. It is possible that the images of a ladle, a colander or a teapot stand do not excite your imagination, but take my word for it: in everyday life, these boring items have no price. Save your perfume and cosmetic desires for the next holiday.

And one more piece of advice for those who decide to live separately from their parents, as a bonus. Do not forget that, among other things, housewarming is a great way to make new acquaintances. Especially in an apartment where you are a full-fledged and sovereign mistress. Do not refuse if your male friends offer to "dilute" the company with a young man still unknown to you. Independent living is, no doubt, good, but sometimes in the evening you want to talk with someone other than TV.