How to get rid of resentment. Psychology of resentment Resentment for no reason

To be offended or not to be offended - we always have such a seemingly simple choice. Unfortunately, we are often not the best option.

Resentment is a negatively colored emotion, which, if abused, makes our life hell. We begin to scroll in memory the situation or the words that caused the offense received. This feeling comes to us because of quarrels and indifference, jealousy and envy. Grievances make us feel pain, anger, anger, sadness, hatred, bitterness, disappointment, desire for revenge, grief. One... But!

Friends, I repeat - this is only our choice! Offended - we get a nasty mood, we deprive ourselves of health and attract negative events to ourselves. The more often we do this, the stronger the destructive consequences of this feeling. We chose not to be offended - we make our lives happier and more harmonious. How to stop being offended and learn not to be offended at all, getting rid of this negative one, will be discussed in this article.

Think about it: is it nice to know that we are not the creators of our happiness, but only play the role of dogs on a leash, and the people around us pull these leashes at will? Do we like to realize that our mood depends on someone else, but certainly not on us? Hardly. In fact, this is a real addiction. And our choice is freedom! After all, it is easy to get rid of the leash (the habit of being offended), which society has hung on us. All you need is a desire and a little awareness.

In this article, we will find out how to stop being offended by getting rid of this bad habit forever. And at the same time we will be freed from old grievances. In the meantime, dear readers of SILS, with your permission, I will continue to exaggerate and describe the destruction that brings us resentment, especially heightened.

So, what does it mean to be offended? It means giving in to your base feelings, including habitual reactions to other people's bad behavior. Even the simplest unicellular organisms have a similar reaction, which always react in the same way to a stimulus. But after all, we are people, which means we have much more room for maneuver in our behavior. Understand, friends, to be offended is not something that is not impossible, no. Simply, this is not a logical action - after all, being offended, we thereby harm ourselves, burning our soul and health, and also attracting negativity into our lives.

But with admirable perseverance, we continue to habitually take offense at our loved ones and ordinary acquaintances, relatives and friends, our fate and the whole world. We diligently cultivate our resentment, cherish it and cherish it. Completely forgetting that...

… resentment - it is solely our own choice . Although, unfortunately, most often unconscious. This is a harmful stereotype that seems to have grown into most of us. We are offended - we are offended, we are offended - we are offended. And everything is repeated in a circle throughout our lives. But this is wrong! Therefore, this article appeared, from which we will learn how to stop being offended. Useful practical recommendations are written just below, but for now, please, show a little patience, friends. After all, we need to clearly identify the enemy with whom we will fight and will definitely win. First you need to carefully study his habits, then to strike a decisive blow. fatality! (c) Mortal Kombat. So let's continue our study of insidious resentment. After all, our goal is to dance on her grave, and we are slowly but invincibly approaching the achievement of this good goal.

Resentment in the soul and heart

The experience of resentment greatly depresses us. Worst of all, a person can carry a grudge through his whole life. Old and deep grievances that we cannot forget in any way do not allow us to live peacefully and happily. After all, instead of enjoying every moment of this delightful life, we begin to scroll past events in our heads, we diligently restore and construct dialogues with our offender. Our body again and again returns to that state when we are almost shaking, although outwardly this may not manifest itself in any way. Why make fun of yourself like that? All this is only due to the fact that we cannot get rid of the resentment in our soul, from the resentment in our heart. We can't let go, we can't forgive, we can't forget. So this nasty feeling of resentment undermines us, imperceptibly destroying our lives.

By the way, it should be noted that chronic, total resentment for the whole world and the people around them individually is the first sign that something has not worked out in our life. For example, we chose the wrong profession: we dreamed of creativity, but we work as a manager in an office. Or we could not build happy family relationships: once we made a mistake with the choice and now we can only feel sorry for ourselves, so offended and offended. As a result, we live in the past and do not let the present into us, which, perhaps, is very kind and positive.

The worst thing here is that constantly being offended, receiving new grievances and remembering old ones, we turn into collectors. Collectors of grievances. Grievances can be collected for a lifetime, and as true collectors, we never want to part with a single copy. Grievances accumulate, and we savor each of them with “pleasure”. We do not let them go into oblivion, because resentment has long become part of us. And that is why it is so difficult to admit to ourselves that after too much time we have spent on our touchiness. It is much easier to continue to live the illusion of being right and the injustice of this world.

Old grievances are like unhealed wounds that we comb ourselves and make them bleed. Instead of forgiving the offense or even completely getting rid of the habit of being offended, we stubbornly torment ourselves, causing pain and suffering. What the hell is masochism?

“But the truth is behind us!” - we say to ourselves, that is why we feel offended and offended. This is how we justify ourselves. We feel almost universal injustice. How dare they do this to us?! Alas, even if we were really treated badly, we only finish ourselves off with our resentment. To be offended means to revel in pity for oneself, unjustly offended.

There are always plenty of reasons for resentment. We are able to choose what to pay attention to in this life. With our thoughts and our choices, we attract to ourselves what we receive. If a person shows increased touchiness, then be sure that there will definitely be reasons to be offended. And the worst thing that can happen is that resentment can become a part of this person forever.

Yes, they say that time heals grudges. Most often this is true, but there is one thing. Resentment, which is regularly fed, can forever remain in the heart and soul, poisoning our lives. Hidden resentment simply eats us from the inside, because of which the colors of life fade, and there are more and more reasons to be offended again and again. But life is not given to us for this at all! And, to be honest with ourselves, we would never wish ourselves such a fate. Friends, it's not too late to change everything. There is an exit!

How to stop being offended?

Friends, read below 8 reasons why you should not be offended . Please try to understand and feel each point separately. We need to remember this and put it into practice every time resentment begins to boil in us. In no case do not scold yourself if you again fall into the hook of resentment. Everything will happen gradually, everything has its time. But be sure to praise yourself when there are successes. It's so nice to see that our actions and mood gain independence. It's nice to know that you and only you are the captain of your ship. So, over time, the bad habit of being offended will disappear by itself. As they say, “a holy place is never empty”, which means that in our life there will be much more miracles and joy that will come instead of useless resentment. And that is great! Ready?

1) Nobody owes us anything. You just need to understand and accept one simple thing - no one in this world is obliged to conform to our ideas. No one is obligated towards us to do what we think is right. Just think about it: do we all, without exception, fulfill the expectations of others? Most likely, this does not always happen or does not happen at all, and this is completely natural. Our life is our life. First of all, we are interested in solving our problems, and only after that - in helping other people. Therefore, you should not be offended by other people, because they also do not owe us anything.

2) Remember and appreciate only the good. To stop being offended, we should always remember the positive qualities of the character of our offender. After all, there is something beautiful in every person. Often we focus on one unfortunate misdeed of this person, but we do not take into account all the good that he did for us earlier. That is, we take goodness for granted, but when we are offended, we often inflate an elephant out of a fly, forgetting about everything else (good). In principle, this is natural: the human body is arranged in such a way that negative emotions affect us more than positive ones. Perhaps this is due to survival in primitive times, when fear and anger spurred ancient people to survive. But that time has long passed. Therefore, friends, stop being offended, because resentment destroys us and, moreover, it is completely meaningless.

And also, please, never forget that you quickly get used to the good. If a person treats us well, this does not mean that it will always be so. And this does not mean that other people should also show a good attitude towards us. It is optimal to take everything good not for granted, but as a gift. And rejoice in such gifts with all my heart.

“Forget hurt, but never forget kindness” © Confucius

3) Nobody is eternal. The person we are offended with today may not be tomorrow. As a rule, only in such sad situations do we finally realize how petty and absurd our grievances were. For example, in no case should you be offended by fathers and mothers, grandparents. For then it will be very difficult for us to forgive ourselves when these loved ones are suddenly gone. Only then do we suddenly realize clearly how boundless and crystal clear care came from them. Even if they sometimes went too far, even if they did a lot of things wrong, but all this is from great love for us. Please, friends, do not let this happen. Live here and now, appreciate the present moment - then there is no time for resentment!

4) Take responsibility for everything that happens to us. For everything that happens in our life is the result of our own choice. Nothing is in vain! For example, a person who tries to offend us may be sent to us so that we can learn something. And our other potential offender can reveal his true appearance, for which we should also be grateful.

By the way, it is useful to follow the simple motto of smart people: "Smart people do not take offense, but draw conclusions." For example, your friend who missed a meeting and didn't even call back could do so for several reasons. First, something might have happened to her. Secondly, the circumstances could be such that she did not have the opportunity to warn you. Thirdly, maybe you are simply indifferent to her. In none of these three cases does it make sense to be offended. And in the latter it is worth drawing a conclusion and rid yourself of such relationships.

8) Resentment attracts negative events into our lives. Friends, do you know about, which says that like attracts like? By dwelling on our grievances, we let negativity into our lives. Events happen to us that provoke us to continue to experience negative feelings and emotions. And if we give in, we will sink even deeper into this swamp. The experienced feeling of resentment serves as a kind of target for all sorts of misfortunes and misfortunes. The more resentment in the soul, the more likely it is that our life will be painted in black tones. And vice versa, the more positive our inner world, the more happiness we meet in the outside. Stop being offended, friends. It is time to go to your goal, to your dream, to your happiness, and resentment, you know, is not our helper here.

How to forgive an offense?

The main thing in the technique of forgiveness proposed below is a sincere desire to get rid of resentment, to forgive and be free. Not just mechanically perform the exercise, but do it consciously, so that in the end it becomes easy and joyful in the soul. So that a heavy burden falls from our shoulders, and we can breathe deeply without any worries and regrets. Let's get started! Here is the setting for our subconscious:

I forgive you (substitute the name of the person we are offended by) because you ...

I forgive myself for what I...

Forgive me (substitute the name of the person we are offended by) for the fact that ...

The meaning of this technique of forgiveness of offenses is as follows. Why forgive the offender, it is understandable and without explanation. Forgiving yourself and asking for forgiveness from our offender (mentally) is necessary because the world around us is a mirror image of our inner world. It is necessary to realize that we ourselves attracted a bad situation into our lives, and the offender only reacted to our thoughts, state, fears. When we take responsibility for everything that happens to us, then we simply don’t want to be offended by someone. The more clearly we begin to understand how and why we have attracted grievances, the easier it becomes for us to forgive the offender. By the way, you need to forgive yourself for the simple reason that, being offended by ourselves, we feel guilty, which means we attract punishment into our lives. Which leads to the repetition of negative situations, when we are intentionally or accidentally offended.

It is optimal to perform forgiveness of insults before going to bed, during the night our subconscious mind will do all the work, and we will not even notice it. We will not notice the work, but we will notice the result. Resentment will become much weaker or go away altogether. If resentment remains, then it should be repeated. You can also perform the proposed technique during the day, the main thing is not to get hung up on it, but to understand that everything will be easy and simple. We only need to give the installation to our subconscious, everything else is not our concern.

Friends, after one or several applications of this simple technique, you yourself will notice that the offense is forgiven and we become more peaceful in our lives. You will stop thinking about it quite naturally and without any violence against yourself: the insult that previously seemed so important will no longer evoke any response. Thus, the question “how to forgive an offense?” henceforth no henceforth will not stand before you. And from this it is so good and calm!

Of course, this technique is not for everyone. After all, we need to have the strength to recognize that everything we receive, including resentment, is our choice. We ourselves are responsible for this, directly or indirectly. If we find the strength in ourselves to subdue our pride and sense of self-importance, then further is a matter of technology.

CONCLUSION

“They carry water on the offended” (c) Russian people

Dear readers of the Healthy Lifestyle, in this article I set myself the task of showing you the whole pointlessness of resentment and resentment. Resentment not only does not solve the problem, but is also harmful for many reasons, which we have analyzed in detail today.

I hope guys that if you ever decide to be offended, then be sure to remember our advice. And make the right choice! And we will be incredibly happy if the moment comes when you, without prejudice, can say with complete confidence: “I never take offense!” And even if you are offended (after all, none of us is perfect), then easily forgive the offense thanks to the technique of forgiveness and you will live happily and without any sadness. After all, learning not to be offended is a very useful skill that significantly improves the quality of our lives.

I would like to complete the article about resentment and methods of dealing with it with the words of Bhagwan Shri Rajneesh, better known as Osho. Offended? Then print this text, go to the mirror and read loudly, with an expression and a serious look:

“I am such an important turkey that I cannot allow anyone to act according to my nature if I do not like it. I am such an important turkey that if someone said or acted differently than I expected, I will punish him with my resentment. Oh, let him see how important it is - my offense, let him receive it as a punishment for his "misconduct". After all, I am a very, very important turkey! I don't value my life. I don’t value my life so much that I don’t feel sorry for wasting its priceless time on resentment. I will give up a moment of joy, a moment of happiness, a moment of playfulness, I would rather give this minute to my resentment. And I don't care that these frequent minutes turn into hours, hours into days, days into weeks, weeks into months, and months into years. I do not feel sorry for spending years of my life in resentment - because I do not value my life. I can't look at myself from the outside. I am very vulnerable. I am so vulnerable that I am forced to protect my territory and respond with resentment to everyone who touched it. I'm going to hang a sign on my forehead, "Watch out, angry dog," and just let someone try not to notice! I am so poor that I cannot find in myself a drop of generosity to forgive, a drop of self-irony - to laugh, a drop of generosity - not to notice, a drop of wisdom - not to be hooked, a drop of love - to accept. I am a very, very important turkey!" © Osho

Please write comments and share this information with your friends. See you soon on the pages of SIZOZh!

Reading time: 4 min

Resentment is a personality trait that determines the tendency to notice offensive tendencies in everything, to experience the feeling of resentment that has arisen very strongly and even unwind it to an inadequately large size. Increased resentment is characteristic of those who tend not to forgive, but rather suffer from experiences that are most often associated with unjustified own expectations or ideas addressed to a significant object (responsibility, like resentment, does not apply to those people who are indifferent).

Reasons for touchiness

Resentment arises as a property of the individual initially from the feeling of resentment that has arisen, which is quite normal for most people, but only for some it acquires pathological forms, stretched out in time and exaggerated in significance. So at the moment when the behavior of a significant person does not correspond to our ideas or expectations, the destruction of hopes leads to resentment. This feeling is born from controlling both the surrounding reality and close people, which theoretically gives a feeling of calm and certainty, removes excessive anxiety, but it is impossible in its implementation all the time. Such consideration of another person deprives him of an independent separate existence in the offended person, instead, a person is perceived as a part of himself, obliged to correspond to his own ideas.

Resentment in psychology is a distortion in the perception of the outside world, a set of misconceptions about other people, leading to a violation of qualitative interaction and understanding. Situationally arising resentment is a reaction to inconsistency, but resentment is not a one-time episode in psychology, but a strategy of behavior and a manipulative technique in communication that allows you to get attention, achieve your own goals and achieve emotional warm participation of another when other ways are not available to a person.

Increased resentment resembles a chronic negative state, but at the same time, the carrier of this quality does not seek to get rid of it, since there are many secondary benefits resulting from such manipulative behavior. Such behavior represents infantile interaction with the world and is typical for children or immature individuals who seek to put pressure on the opponent (without a reciprocal feeling of guilt, resentment remains meaningless and can spin up to a state of revenge, since it carries an aggressive radical). The readiness to be offended almost constantly, with or without a reason, distinguishes resentment from resentment, which is situational and is designed to regulate human relations, by demonstrating one's own dissatisfaction with the actions of another (in a specific situation, in order to avoid their repetition, and not to receive emotional strokes).

Such qualities as touchiness, tearfulness, sensitivity appear even in childhood, especially in those children whose nervous system is arranged according to an unstable type or those who are often offended. It is normal for children to react with resentment, since a person is not strong enough and independent enough to enter into an open confrontation with the adult world, respectively, there are other ways to express discontent. This is a kind of unacceptable conditions, while maintaining security, since it excludes the response (the answer to an insult is always a feeling of guilt). Indulgence in such behavior on the part of parents leads to the development of a selfish person who becomes an emotional manipulator who remembers that in order to achieve any of his whims, you need to pout your lips and go on the defensive, demonstrating to others how heartless they are in their actions. The inherent characteristics can be stopped, or they can find their development in adulthood, fed by uncertainty. Such states kill the desire to fight in a person and develop a perception of oneself as miserable and unworthy, contribute to always choosing the easiest paths, and usually this is self-pity and blaming others, instead of asking for help or trying to change the situation. It can develop in infantile individuals who have retained a childish way of interacting with the world, striving to evade responsibility (even for their own mood), they cannot take a clear position and defend their opinion, but successfully use the help of others who try to avoid feelings of guilt hung on the offended.

It happens that a person who does not manifest himself as touchy becomes one at certain moments. Such temporary conditions can be associated with objective reasons - when too many difficulties have piled up at one moment, and no one can help, or when a serious state of health affects the emotional background. But those who did not have the prerequisites for the development of this quality are unlikely to become touchy, even under a drip, even on a deadline. But, despite all the situations, there are moments that it is impossible or unwilling to forgive, at such moments a person is driven by revenge, a thirst for justice and resentment swells before our eyes. The longer this state, the harder it is to get out of it: if on the first day there were enough apologies, then on the second day, repentance on your knees may not feed the wounded soul, thirsting for revenge.

Touchiness, as a constant trait, is usually a familiar and convenient way of evoking the attention of others, while not directly addressing and not voicing your true need for participation - such behavior is manipulative, although in many sources there are exactly such tips for attracting a guy's attention. The danger of such methods lies in the fact that they work only a few times, and then the man gets tired of provocations, while the touchy way of interaction has already become a habit for the girl.

The main mechanism that unites all particular cases of resentment is uncontrolled states of resentment that occur frequently or for a long time (this happens due to circumstances or a person artificially inflates the problem - it is not essential for rooting the quality of character).

Conscious resentment, when a person deliberately demonstrates all the signs of resentment, also eventually leads to the true development of this quality. Our brain is designed in such a way that it adapts to the external signals that we send to reality, and if you force yourself to smile, your mood will rise, and if you portray an insult, then the person to whom it is addressed will be perceived negatively.

It is believed that touchiness, tearfulness are feminine qualities, and men in such situations have aggressive and angry reactions, however, recent studies have shown that the development of this quality is not tied to gender, but depends on the emotionality of a person. Those. in general, the theory remains true, because women are more emotional, but if a particular woman has a more developed logical hemisphere, and a particular man has an emotional one, then the man will be more touchy of them. Also, the formation of resentment is due to examples in the parental family or significant adults, when the child adopts stereotypical behavior, subconsciously marking this model as natural or consciously choosing a similar way of interaction, seeing the success of its application (for example, when the mother could achieve the fulfillment of her desires by showing offense ).

Touchiness of women

Speaking about resentment and giving examples, most often it is the woman who is the main offended. Indeed, due to its emotionality, the female psyche is able to experience more emotions and their saturation than the male. For women, there is no secondary, for them everything that concerns their life or their fantasies or expectations is important. Women most often give their resentment to their husbands, then to children and further in the degree of intimacy. Those. the more important you are in her life, the more resentment will be shown in your direction. It would seem that the opposite is necessary - to take care of loved ones, and to lower the dissatisfied mood on passers-by, but this is not about mood, but about importance and unjustified hopes. If passers-by do not help her with heavy bags, then the woman is unlikely to notice at all, but if the husband does not react to this, then resentment is inevitable. This is because nothing is expected from a passer-by, and one's own is perceived as the one who will take care and protect, and in these heavy bags the image of the carer collapses.

Girls love to dream and plan, imagine both event options and the reactions of other people, and they get used to such fantasies very much, experiencing true experiences, so a failed trip to Asia can cause offense not because of commercialism, but because she has already flown there , and the return back is like the destruction of happiness. Naturally, in addition to such, spontaneously arising states, there is also an adjustable part of resentment, when a woman deliberately demonstrates her displeasure (whether it be emotional coldness, silence, or a gloomy expression on her face). Such situations serve to correct relations in order to make it clear to others that what is happening is unacceptable and repetition is undesirable. Many people play this game, seeing what wonderful results it brings: men who do not tolerate emotional pressure and tension created by resentment are ready for any feats, give gifts, they are the first to put up when they are right and do a lot more. But the program fails, and also specially offended, in order to gain benefits, the woman creates psychological conditions for the man that are incompatible with the healthy survival of the psyche, and he does everything not out of love, but in order to stop mental violence and get rid of tyranny in relationships.

Showing with resentment where your boundaries are and how you should not be treated - you build and regulate relationships in the direction of comfortable and close ones. By manipulating resentment and thus obtaining praise and gifts for yourself, sharing it with a constant companion, you destroy the relationship and psyche of not only the other, but also your own.

Of course, women are more subject to emotions, but this does not turn off the mechanisms, and you should not lay responsibility for your condition on others - this is childish. Adult behavior will be voicing their feelings and claims, with the development of a further new way of interaction.

But it is worth noting that the choice of resentment by a woman is due to nature, because. a purer reaction would be aggression. Which a woman could not afford due to physical weakness. It is resentment that minimizes confrontation, but at the same time denotes discontent, helps to get away from the open, which helps to save relationships and life. In the male version, resentment looks like anger, and this is logical, because if something happens that does not suit a man, then this concerns an external threat and it is necessary to act here, and from a position of strength, besides, a man can afford it. Women's territory is inside, where there is a family, where there is no place for the manifestation of strength, but the need for regulation remains, so it turns out that resentment is aggression, but stopped and transformed by love.

How to get rid of resentment

Resentment does not add joy not to the offender himself, nor to the people around, it contributes to the destruction of relationships and the personality of a person, so the relevance of getting rid of this trait becomes in the first place for normalizing contact with the world and establishing relations with society. The most effective and fastest way to deal with what is happening is psychotherapy, but there are also moments that will help you overcome the habit of being offended on your own.

Initially, it is worth learning how to manage the switching of attention in moments of criticism or offensive statements addressed to you: instead of looping on the negative emotions of resentment, try to put your feelings aside and listen to the words of your opponent, perhaps he will be right and you are really to blame. In such cases, you can not even get into half of the state of the offended, but begin to solve problems or correct your shortcomings, and also thanks to the person who pointed them out. In the process of communication, you are responsible for whether they offend you or not, so when hearing an offensive text, openly ask the person to express himself differently, explaining that such statements offend you. Usually tactics change, people correct the wording and voice that they did not mean to offend you. It is better to understand right at the moment the feeling arises, then you will not accumulate it, moreover, you can make sure that the understanding of what is happening is consistent with you and your interlocutor.

In a long-term interaction, focus your perception on feelings, not emotions (for example, if you are very hooked on the behavior of loved ones, then before reacting, it would be good to remember that you are offended only now, but always love this person). Raising your own cultural and spiritual level gives you an understanding of the difference in people's perceptions and the ability not to devalue anyone's opinion, despite the difference, including your own - so different points of view become only positions, and not the conclusion that you are not important.

Resentment is always about unjustified expectations and hopes, so try to keep yours within limits and reduce the level of expectations from the people around you. You may want attention and warmth from them, but they are not obliged to provide it to you, you can expect help from them, but they are not obliged to provide it. Give up the idea that people perceive the world in a similar way to you, and if something is needed, then make a request, without expecting that the telepathic connection will work, while being ready to equally equally accept both consent and refusal. People, even those close to you, are not your property and are not subject to control, so getting upset and offended that they manifest themselves as they like is an endless and depressing occupation.

It should be remembered that there are pathological forms of resentment that transform into manic states, accompanied by a thirst for revenge and rage, such situations can go as far as killing the offender. Such critical states are a pathological state of the psyche, are treated in a neuropsychiatric dispensary and belong to the psychotic spectrum. It will not work to stop the manic state of resentment on your own, or even with the help of a psychotherapist, here you need a course of sedative, antipsychotic drugs and complex therapy.

Speaker of the Medical and Psychological Center "PsychoMed"

Resentment has two meanings. On the one hand, this is an unjust action that has been inflicted on a person and upset him. On the other hand, a complex feeling consisting of anger at the offender and self-pity. The article tells how resentment arises and how to overcome it.

The content of the article:

Feeling of resentment is a natural defensive reaction caused in response to unfairly inflicted insults, grief, as well as negative emotions received as a result. It can be caused by both close, familiar people, as well as teachers, work colleagues and even strangers. It appears for the first time at the age of 2 to 5 years, when the realization of justice comes. Until that time, the child expresses feelings through anger. In fact, this is the result of brain activity, expressed in the analysis of the chain "expectation - observation - comparison". It is important to learn how to deal with resentment so as not to accumulate negative emotions in yourself.

Characteristics of resentment

The main characteristics of the feeling of resentment:

• Causes severe emotional pain. This is a defensive reaction to an action that a person considers unfair to himself.
• Accompanied by a sense of betrayal. The offended often says: "I never expected this from you."
• Occurs against a background of deceived trust or unjustified expectations. That is, he didn’t get what he expected: they didn’t give him, he deceived him, he was not described as positively as he would have liked, etc.
• The actions of the other are perceived as unfair. Based on the results of his own observations and comparisons with a similar situation among others: he was given more, the salary for similar work is higher, the mother loves another child more, and so on. Moreover, this is not always true.
• Experienced for a long time. In some cases, it remains relative to the object forever.
• It can cause a break in relations or their deterioration in case of an unworked situation. Even long-term family ties, hidden resentment can destroy. Regarding childhood experiences, an unprocessed feeling can result in the aggressive behavior of a teenager, an unwillingness to communicate with parents after reaching the age of majority, and so on.
• Pointed inward. Often, the offended cannot frankly admit what he was offended by. Therefore, emotions remain deep inside, which makes a person even more unhappy.
• Accompanied by a sense of irreparability of what happened. It is especially characteristic of impressionable children: “Vovka called me names in front of friends. The world has collapsed! I won't be able to talk to them anymore."
• It is characterized by a state of narrowed consciousness. In a state of resentment, a person cannot objectively assess what is happening.
• Affect. Can provoke aggressive actions. Immediate or delayed.

In some cases, strong resentment is accompanied by a loss of life support up to the emergence of a desire to die. The victim falls into depression, experiences the phenomena of loss of the meaning of life, interests and desires. Apathy appears. There are suicidal thoughts and desires.

A life-threatening situation arises when a solitary person with few social connections is hurt; offended - someone very close and significant, some complex basic expectations, hopes for the future were associated with him; the cause of resentment affects vital areas or aspects of the personality.

Psychosomatics of the emergence of feelings of resentment

The psychosomatics of resentment is very broad. This feeling can kill or provoke a serious illness, up to cancer or a heart attack.

The fact is that the aggressive component of resentment is most often directed inward and is very difficult to get rid of. Aggression has a high intensity of experience. These are hormones. This is an excess of adrenaline that does not find a way out of the body and seethes inside a person, hitting weak spots.

Men, unfortunately, are not as strong emotionally as women. It is more difficult for them to respond to their offense. They cannot pronounce it in chatter with girlfriends and suffer more. For example, a father invested himself in his daughter, and she disappointed him with her behavior. As a result, the irreparability of what happened provokes a heart attack or even cancer.

Women's health is also highly dependent on mental well-being. During the examination, the gynecologist always asks if there are any conflicts with her husband. This is not idle curiosity. Conflicts and resentment against a loved one are postponed by cysts, fibroids, mastopathy and other gynecological problems.

Psychologists who study the relationship of women's grief with women's health argue that the bitterness from communication with loved ones in women is localized in certain places:

1. Breast, uterus, cervix - resentment against her husband. Since these are reproductive organs, it is they who perceive all the negative emotions of family life. Sometimes the result of unspoken experiences, stress and problems in the family can be a diagnosis of "Infertility of undiagnosed etiology." That is, the feeling of resentment was so strongly entrenched in the mind of the girl that the body found a way out for itself in order to prohibit having offspring in these relationships. Only a psychologist can help.
2. Left ovary - resentment against the mother. Perhaps the reason here lies in the close relationship between mother and daughter. You can also say that the heart is located on the left. Therefore, the feeling receives a response in this organ.
3. Right ovary - resentment against the father. It is here that there is a sense of resentment against the dearest man, who is obliged to protect and support from the cradle.

At first glance, the main locus of feeling is directed inside the person. Resentment is associated with strong emotional pain, and it seems to us that this is its main essence. But a careful analysis shows that this is not entirely true.

The main components of the structure of feeling are anger and impotence. The latter occurs because the event has happened, and nothing can be changed. Anger is directed at the person who offended us. It is due to the fact that expectations were not met. For example, we give someone a gift, we expect that person will be delighted and will actively use it. And in response, indifference or even a negative assessment.

It is in this place that resentment arises: powerlessness to change anything and anger. At the same time, we often do not have the opportunity to express it, as we will show our weakness or overstep the bounds of decency. Therefore, anger does not go out, but turns inward and seethes there for a short or long time.

The main types of feelings of resentment

It is necessary to distinguish the actual offense from the mental one. It is mental resentment that can destroy relationships and a person’s life year after year, without giving him any chance for happiness. The mental character of feeling is the attachment of a basic sense of unhappiness, acquired in early childhood, to all subsequent relationships. A person seems to consider each of his conflicts or misunderstandings with others through a magnifying glass of old traumas. Therefore, even a minor misunderstanding is perceived as a mortal insult, and the relationship goes downhill.

Women's resentment against men

The danger of female resentment lies in its ability to poison the entire space around for many years to come. And to find the ends, the reasons in such cases can be extremely difficult.

Resentment against a husband may be the result of childhood trauma. Father did not support, was indifferent, criticized, plucked evil. The expectations of the girl from the figure of the father, supporting and protecting, did not materialize. There was a mental (basic) resentment. This feeling, it seems, should not be transferred to the husband, this is a different person, but it turns out differently.

In any tense situation, basic bitterness joins momentary discontent, and resentment against a loved one grows to cosmic proportions. It seems to a woman that her husband does not love her, specially offends her, does it out of spite, does not appreciate, and she scandalizes more and more. In such situations, men most often run away, but this is not the end of the story.

The next husband comes, then another, but everything ends according to one scenario. In the end, the unfortunate woman concludes that all men are goats, and begins to ignore the stronger sex. Some come to this conclusion after the first time and never enter into a relationship again.

But the situation becomes especially threatening if the offended woman has a male child. On the surface, she seems to love him and scratch out her eyes for him, but an internal veiled resentment against a man makes her mother press the baby almost from childhood. She always finds a reason: not careful enough, not attentive enough, made a Skoda, came at the wrong time, etc. The result can even turn out to be a maniac.

Male resentment against women

The result of this is the negative emotions accumulated over the years, which find a response in problems with others, distrust of people in general. For example:

• If the mother is to blame. Usually, difficulties arise in men with a strong-willed and tough mother. She controls every step, it is difficult to get affection and attention from her. Usually such mothers are careerists who gave birth “so that like all people” and do not take an active part in the life of their son, limiting themselves to cuffs for bad grades and misbehavior. Or, on the contrary, those who believe that "I gave my whole life to him." Such mothers simply have nowhere else to direct their emotions, except to the child. It can be divorced, abandoned or devoted ladies. They constantly control, blackmail even adult sons. Usually it is extremely difficult for such children to build their own destiny, because they do not want to upset or offend their mother. And she, in turn, does not see a suitable couple for her beloved son. As a result, an adult man remains offended for life and may even die alone, never finding a woman who can please his mother.
• If the first love is to blame, the wife. Resentment from the first relationship, betrayal can be reflected in any subsequent ones. As in the case of women, men begin to look for a catch in new relationships, do not trust a partner and wait for them to be stabbed in the back. Usually, if such a person marries, he becomes a terrible jealous, harassing his wife with suspicions, albeit completely groundless.
• If the daughter or son is to blame. As mentioned above, even resentment for unfulfilled dreams regarding your child can bring the offended person to oncology. Most often, this condition affects emotional men who devoted a lot of time to their children and did not expect that they could become different than they were in their dreams.

Positive and negative manifestations of resentment

A person who is offended all the time, tragically silent (man), capriciously blowing his lips (woman), do not demonstrate their true emotions. Resentment is used by them to manipulate others. By demonstrating their resentment and discontent, they try to control their loved ones.

The mechanism of the destructive effect of resentment is most clearly seen in the mothers of elderly bachelors. Every time sons try to arrange their personal lives, such mothers fall into prostration. No, they do not make scandals, but their appearance expresses all the sorrow of the world, and the sons surrender.

Resentment simplifies the life of its owner, but spoils the health of others. It is much easier to play on the guilt of people close to you than to try to negotiate with them. The tactics of such manipulation has great opportunities for control, but there is no need to talk about spiritual closeness, respect, mutual understanding, contact in the family. Touchy people are feared and feared. They communicate with them through force, rather out of a sense of duty, and not out of love.

In fact, resentment brings enormous benefits, which are expressed in the following:

1. They show our weaknesses. You should never let go of this feeling from yourself without understanding what it signals. For example, a cheerful conversation between a partner and a friend caused strong resentment and wild jealousy. By digging inside yourself, you can find that the negative reaction is rooted in childhood, where your parents preferred you to a brother or sister. You need to work on the old childhood trauma, and then the usual friendly conversation will not cause such painful experiences.
2. In the event of the end of a relationship, the benefits of resentment in anesthetic properties. The gap is accompanied by a whole bunch of unpleasant things. Longing for another person, lack of communication with him - this is extremely difficult to endure. But anger and self-pity help, as it were, to move away from someone who has been an important part of life for a long time. You have the strength to turn the page and move on.
3. Resentment helps to get rid of negative emotions. It lifts all the emotional slag from the soul and brings it out. In addition, it is even useful to sort things out from time to time. As noted above, "small bowls" are better than years of accumulated discontent.

How to get rid of feelings of resentment

Ways to get rid of resentment:

• Don't hoard yourself. In one legend, a sage advises to use a "small bowl" for misunderstandings with people. That is, do not accumulate your dissatisfaction to unbearable proportions, when the matter ends with a surge of emotions, a scandal or a break in relations, but find out all the moments that are classified as unfair, right away.
• Let go of the situation, accept everything as it is. Resentment is always the result of our unjustified expectations. They are generated by dreams, desires and our ideas about the other. The person is not to blame that we came up with character traits that he does not have. Moreover, it is not his fault that he does not have telepathy and does not guess our desires. Awareness of this fact helps to reduce the degree of our discontent and colors the problem in a completely different way.
• Be sure to speak out. Negative emotions go away through words. Contact your friends, girlfriends, psychologist, priest, call the helpline. The main thing is not to carry negativity in yourself.
• Dealing with a partner. Take courage and break the silence. Explain your feelings to the offender and make a claim. Most likely, he will be surprised and annoyed. Even if you were offended on purpose, they are unlikely to admit it. Most often, people feel extremely uncomfortable and apologize.
• Forgive and let go. If you see that someone purposefully constantly offends you, think about it, do you really need this person? Loving people take good care of their partners. They may hurt unintentionally. But, if the situation repeats itself for a long time, you may be dealing with an energy vampire. These types of personalities feed on someone else's pain. You can't change them. The only way out is to leave.
• Introspection. Try to understand whether it was this person who offended you, or your strong reaction lies in past troubles. Perhaps overwork, nervous strain or old injuries are to blame. Then you need to apologize, not to someone in front of you.
• Help from outside. If you can’t cope with painful experiences on your own, a psychologist will tell you how to let go of resentment. A specialist is not cheap, but our well-being, love, relationships are priceless. Moreover, the body's response to a feeling can be not only a temporary disorder, but a broken life and lost health.

It seems to me that everyone among their acquaintances has a person who is constantly offended. You didn't get to go to coffee with him and he's already sulking. Familiar, right? And okay, if this is some kind of acquaintance, communication with which is not so important, but if it is a mother, brother, sister or your partner, life becomes much more difficult.

But today we want to talk not about how difficult it is with these people, but to try to teach you to love them. After all, in fact, touchy people are the best of us. And today's edition "So simple!" will try to prove it to you.

touchy person

By itself resentment- Emotion is natural, it arises in response to injustice. Most often, this is a reaction to a situation where you expected something, but did not receive it. Many claim that they are not offended at all, but this is not so. Resentment is inherent in every person, just here, as with pain, there is a threshold.

©DepositPhotos

Some have it tall, these are the so-called thick-skinned people. You can’t get through them with banal everyday situations, but they also have their drawbacks. However, this is another story, but for now, about those whose threshold of resentment is extremely low. Often such people are considered weak-willed and annoying.

©DepositPhotos

Indeed, it is more difficult to communicate with them, because they perceive every word at their own expense, and you have to constantly think about what you are saying. Sharp jokes and jokes are not perceived by them the way you would like. After all, everyone wants an easy conversation, where you do not need to verify every word.

Let's just look at it all from the other side. Touchy people are actually very good, only very insecure. And all these complexes, in turn, give rise to an overestimated level of self-criticism, from this and all the insults, they take everything too close to their hearts. But self-criticism is not such a bad character trait.

©DepositPhotos

The inner world of a touchy person is a set of very subtle feelings. In addition to the standard set of feelings, they also have a feeling of undeserved resentment. It is quite difficult to live with him, and most importantly, they are not at all to blame for the fact that they are so vulnerable.

But such people are perfectly able to sympathize and rarely offend others. Thanks to the storm inside them, they have a great sense of the word and intonations. They are very delicate, but it is also important for them that a person knows how to choose words in a conversation with them.

©DepositPhotos

Communication with such people makes us better. Just think, if this person is dear to you, you will be more demanding of yourself, and also try to be as delicate as possible, you will begin to monitor your speech and intonations. This makes the person a better person. If you learn to talk to a touchy person without hurting his feelings, then you will have no equal in the art of communication.

©DepositPhotos

So these fragile and vulnerable people make us much better, develop good qualities in us. And yet, as a rule, they are not vindictive, and by talking with them, all grievances can be made good. We offer you a couple of tips that will help you communicate with a touchy person.

How to deal with a touchy person

Let's be honest, touchy people sometimes cross the line. Therefore, you need to be able to talk with them and resist their grievances. We do not urge you to constantly encourage grievances, sometimes you need to fight them. You need to look for this middle ground, and here are a couple of tips for this.

Living and communicating with touchy people is not easy, but they make us and our lives better. If you try, make an effort, then with such people you can build strong relationships. Patience pays off, trust me.

Categoricalness, stubbornness, rejection of others, their freedom and individuality (in behavior) are characteristic of children, but for adults this is unforgivable. Once a person catches the charm of guilt from resentment once, resentment will become almost the main means of influence. Resentment is immaturity.

“People of a small mind are sensitive to petty insults, people of a big mind notice everything and are not offended by anything,” La Rochefoucauld.

touchy person

Our own parents teach us to be offended from childhood: “If you don’t finish your porridge, I’ll be offended.” Later, the child puts this into practice: brawls in the store until they buy a toy for him. If parents, grandparents often support such manipulation, then resentment becomes a character trait and takes the form of resentment. The whole life of such a person revolves around the thought “what to be offended by.”

There are several signs of resentment:

• cold,
• silence,
• detachment,
• avoidance
• irritation,
• stubbornness
• capriciousness.

As a rule, a touchy person has all the qualities that he is offended by. In addition, he clearly suffers from megalomania, as he believes that no one has the right to offend him.

Resentment is often based on unconscious defense mechanisms. These are habitual, brought to automatism human reactions to specific conditions. Sanogenic thinking allows you to transfer these reactions to a conscious level and manage them. The first thing I want to highlight is the defense mechanisms. Are they not in charge of your grievances?

Defense mechanisms of resentment

Auto-aggression and anger

It can be mental or physical in nature, manifested in thoughts or behavior. Resentment gradually transforms into anger, and then into aggression, including that directed at oneself. Is it possible to cope with anger and reduce the severity of resentment? Yes. And again, the problem lies in the desire to control the behavior and freedom of another person. The following principles will help:

1. I accept another person, I recognize his freedom and independence.
2. Mine are only my business, no one else is obliged to satisfy them.
3. They can help me, but no one is obliged to do this.
4. I clearly understand the consequences of my anger and aggression (resentment).
5. I know that anger cannot be contained. I rationally release it, thereby weakening the offense.

Self-deprecation I

It implies a person's readiness to always be offended. If the developing desire for self-abasement goes unnoticed, then it seizes control. As a result, the realization of other needs, personal growth and a happy life become impossible.

The answer most likely lies in the mismatch. In general, such a mechanism stems from resentment at oneself for allowing one to do this to oneself. Forgive not only the offender, but also yourself. Recognize that everyone is wrong. Accept yourself and draw conclusions: now you have new resources, experience.

Shame is another common and related emotion in this situation. Often a person is ashamed of the very fact of his existence. It is important to find the meaning of life and understand yourself. To do this, I recommend answering the following questions:

1. What should I be, how should I behave so that I am not ashamed?
2. Where did these expectations about yourself come from, which do not converge with reality.
3. How realistic are these expectations?
4. Can I adjust these expectations to resolve the existing contradiction?
5. What is preventing me from making these adjustments?

Become aware of your own imperfection, and you will be able to better understand and forgive your offenders faster. Shame is the denial of one's own freedom. He is a frequent companion of insults.

Stimulating guilt in others

Our resentment is a punishment for offenders with a sense of guilt. Gradually, people are afraid to say a word, so as not to offend. The result of such tension is neurosis.

Appeal behavior

To strengthen their own position, to confirm their expectations, the offended often attract a third party (support), with which it is easier to blame the offender.

Devaluation of a person

Devaluation of the offender is the most popular mechanism ("I'll find another, better"). But this is only an internal disguise that does not solve the internal problem (inadequate expectations). In addition, the depreciation of situations and people gradually accumulates, and as a result, the whole world depreciates.

Explaining your unrealistic expectations

A person who does not want to admit the unreasonableness of his own behavior and expectations will always find an excuse for himself: stinginess - thrift, aggression - activity, indifference - independence.

Transfer to others

Sometimes resentment towards others is caused by rejection of oneself, the transfer of undesirable personality traits to other people. Or vice versa, you expect "I would have done this in his place, but how is he." This is what causes wrong expectations.

So, try to avoid defensive reactions, learn to recognize them and adequately live situations of insults. Two statements will help you:

1. I was offended, but he is a free man and can do as he pleases.
2. I don't want him to suffer from guilt. I will survive my hurt.

Correction of expectations

Expectations are based on the cultural stereotypes of society and on our personal perceptions. Resentment is caused by inadequate expectations. How to deal with them? Answer the following questions:

1. Where did my expectations come from?
2. Are my expectations realistic? How much?
3. What stereotypes are based on my expectations?
4. Can I make them more realistic?

Getting rid of resentment helps answering the question: “Can a person live up to my expectations?” For a better understanding, put yourself in the place of this person.

Understanding the other person

For a better understanding of others, you need to develop flexibility of thinking, empathy, and get rid of infantilism. The ability to look at the situation from the perspective of another person will gradually make your expectations real.

Illusion of perfection

Resentment can be caused by envy, an insult to the core that someone dared to be better than us or preferred another person to us. In this case, you need to work on self-esteem and a sense of uniqueness (akin to God), bring them back to normal.

Thus, to stop being offended, you need to:

• accept ourselves and others as we are;
• respect the rights of others to freedom;
• refuse to compare yourself, your life with others (as well as stop comparing loved ones).

The result of the new thinking can be summarized as follows: not “Lord, enlighten him, let him stop torturing me,” but “He is a free man, he probably has reasons to do so. Can I change my expectations? If yes, then I will wait for "that one". If not, then this person and I are simply not on our way.”