Marital relations: constructive dialogue.

It would be much easier for people to achieve their diverse goals if they learned to communicate constructively. In our world, everything is based on communication: family, business, self-development, interaction with society, and if you learn the basics of constructive dialogue, you will shorten your path to success at least several times.

What is constructive dialogue (CD) and how does it differ from ordinary dialogue?

The main difference in these concepts lies in the purpose for which the conversation is being conducted at all, and, of course, in the style of the dialogue itself. A normal conversation is aimed at exchanging information and emotional outburst.

The goal of constructive dialogue is the orderly discovery of truth, which forms a clear worldview of a person.

Remember the difference! If you see a conversation in front of you that is not aimed at any goal, then this is ordinary chatter. Such chatter is aimed solely at exchanging information without understanding it. Which means As a result of this chatter, a person is left with only emotions: positive or negative depending on the communication style.

The main difference between a constructive dialogue is the mutual desire to achieve a common view and complete understanding, and until the goal is achieved, the interlocutors do not stop their communication. And this means that as a result of such a dialogue, a person should form a certain awareness that will improve his quality of life.

From this same difference follows the next sign - orderly and respectful communication.

People are able to openly discuss issues only when they feel attentive involvement on the part of the interlocutor. Any shouting, sarcasm, grinning or inattention closes the desire to communicate, and thereby violates the main goal of constructive dialogue - mutual discovery of the truth.

From this day on, we will begin to discuss with you the basic tips that develop constructive communication skills. And the first piece of advice with which we will begin our excursion is...

The ability to hear!

This is a very simple rule, and yet it is extremely rarely followed. Yes, yes, you think that do you hear your interlocutor, but often you just are you listening. And this is not the same thing at all.

Admit it honestly, you are used to perceiving your interlocutor’s thoughts on the spot and, having recognized only the first words, you strive to give a quick answer. Why waste time if the essence is already clear to you? Now ask yourself a question: are you ready to guarantee that you really understand the essence?

Or do you just think this is so because you have previously talked about the same topic with other people?

Our past communication experience largely influences our perception of certain topics. What you mean by “I know in advance what you will say” means that your memory has already recorded the course of a similar conversation from the past. And you are literally trying to walk along the same path with a new interlocutor, without plunging your attention into the essence of his speeches. In this case, you are not taking into account the fact that his ideas may differ significantly from the thoughts of your previous interlocutor.

Thus, people come to a collision in which one of the participants in the conversation closes himself off from the constant interruption of his thoughts by the second interlocutor, and the second interlocutor is very pleased that he was able to answer questions in advance that had not yet been asked to him.

Even if you are really convinced that all the thoughts and ideas of your interlocutor are familiar to you, do not rush to answer him with ready-made answers. His thoughts and ideas are based on his picture of the world, which may be incomplete or, on the contrary, littered with false facts. This means that until you discuss his picture of the world and can jointly correct it to a single vision, your ready-made answers will be regarded as something “complicated, alien.”

Learn to listen carefully to your interlocutor - this is the only way you can see his picture of the world!

This is the first step towards understanding each other. This is the only way you can truly recognize the thoughts and ideas of your interlocutor. And if they are already familiar to you, but you do not agree with them, then only through attentive listening will you get the opportunity to see a person’s picture of the world, and find in it the keys to a unified view of the world.

Working with a family psychologist is becoming increasingly popular these days. Young couples (or already couples with “experienced” relationships) are sent together to a psychotherapist’s office to overcome family problems and establish mutual understanding.

Imagine this: two people who love each other walk into a specialist’s office. They come in, sit down, and start talking: constant conflicts, quarrels, lack of understanding, reproaches... Have all the feelings died in this couple? No, they love each other. Maybe this is due to the complexity of the problems, their fundamental unsolvability? Again, no, the problems can be complex, but they can be solved if the spouses cooperate. So what is the reason then? What is the primary source of constantly arising quarrels and conflicts? In many cases, it turns out that one of the reasons for “unsolvable” conflicts is the partners’ elementary inability to conduct a constructive dialogue.

The soil for the emergence of various conflicts may be different, and there may be many external reasons for quarrels. However, the problem of the “unsolvability” of family problems and finding a way out of the conflict rests precisely on the inability to conduct a constructive dialogue. Conducting a dialogue is a universal skill of a modern person: in order to convey your opinion to others and understand the point of view of another person, you need communication skills and constructive dialogue. Also, dialogue can be considered a reliable foundation for successful relationships - in that family there will be “peace and quiet”, where they know how to negotiate, take into account each other’s interests and resolve family conflicts.

In family relationships, dialogue can be thought of as a magic wand that can:

• Take into account the interests of all family members in different life circumstances (choosing a vacation destination, how to spend time on weekends, distribution of family responsibilities, etc.);
• Help apologize to your partner (or other family member) if you are at fault;
• Listen and accept an apology from your partner if he has done something wrong;
• Resolve family conflicts constructively, preventing them from growing to the scale of a catastrophe.

As you can see, without the skills of constructive dialogue it is quite difficult to establish a prosperous and reliable relationship with a partner. This means that it is better to learn to talk using the rules of effective communication and successfully resolve conflicts. The following rules can be distinguished, which are signs of a constructive dialogue:

Listening skills

The first basic rule of effective communication is, of course, the ability to listen. Without the ability to listen, dialogue turns into two monologues: everyone is on their own wavelength, and therefore they will not be able to achieve mutual understanding. Sometimes, when righteous indignation and the desire to “pour” your opinion with hot lava on the head of your interlocutor reach the highest possible level, the intention to listen to your interlocutor seems almost impossible. However, “splashing out” your feelings will not lead you to mutual understanding, although it will bring short-term relief. While the listening skills in dialogue demonstrated by both partners will help to better understand each other and outline ways to resolve family problems.

Understanding another's point of view is a rule of effective communication

Let's say you listened patiently to your partner and really heard him - the first step has been taken. The second step towards establishing a constructive dialogue is an attempt to understand, and perhaps accept, the point of view of the other. After all, what is the point of listening to another if internally you are desperately resisting someone else’s point of view? If you exclaim to yourself: “He/she is wrong”? This is where it becomes clear that the ability not only to hear, but also to understand the opposing point of view is an important factor in constructive dialogue. By trying to understand why your partner has an opinion on this issue, and why this opinion does not coincide with your own, you will take a step forward in both resolving family conflicts and in understanding your partner more deeply.

Calmness, confidence and a sense of trust during discussions with a partner

During family conflicts, some people may go “on the defensive” or, conversely, exaggeratedly aggressively defend their position. Why is this happening? The reason for this behavior may lie in the lack of complete and unconditional trust in the partner. When a quarrel begins, and there is no complete trust in the partner, a person prefers to act according to the strategy prescribed by Mother Nature: fight or flight. However, we are highly developed creatures, so we are unlikely to run or fight in the literal sense of these words (although this is not a fact). Therefore, this reaction can be expressed in “withdrawal” (an analogue of flight) or in strong verbal aggression (attack).

Thus, an important component of the relationship, which contributes to the establishment of a constructive dialogue, can be considered the presence of mutual trust between partners.

Respect for your partner and interlocutor

Respect is a key component of a secure relationship. And showing respect is an important component of constructive dialogue. Yes, you may not agree with your partner's point of view, however, differences of opinion should not be a reason for loss of respect in the relationship. If even avid rivals are able to appreciate each other’s opinions, then showing respect for the opposing point of view is possible.

Respect also implies the absence of insults in dialogue. When insults and barbs, evil irony and sarcasm become an integral part of communication, respect dies, and along with it, warmth and goodwill towards each other dies.

The inadmissibility of the strategy of “suppression” in dialogue

It is also undesirable to use the “suppression” strategy in the process of dialogue. When communicating with a loved one, you should not use your “strengths” to defend your point of view. This refers to such “strengths” as the use of a loud voice during family quarrels, the ability to use malicious sarcasm, etc. There has never been a case where open hostility and a tendency to humiliate a partner contributed to the improvement of relationships.

Inability to conduct a dialogue in a state of heightened feelings

The mistake of many couples is that they try to solve a problem when patience is running out and indignation has just boiled over. However, it should be taken into account that an attempt to communicate in a state of heightened emotions leads directly to a loud family quarrel.

A constructive solution in this case would be to adopt a rule according to which all problems are solved as they arise, without being “shelved.” If you endure something that infuriates you for a long period of time, at one point you will “explode”, causing a family quarrel. However, if you solve the problem “in the bud”, when only minor dissatisfaction has appeared, it becomes possible to find a reasonable way out of the situation without involving negative feelings. It should be remembered: any problem can be solved through joint efforts, showing a willingness to cooperate and a respectful position towards the partner.

The purpose and style of conversation is what distinguishes constructive dialogue from ordinary dialogue. A typical conversation is aimed at exchanging information and emotions. Constructive dialogue is aimed at streamlining thoughts and shaping a worldview. The main goal is to achieve understanding of the interlocutors. The result of such a dialogue is the formation of a sense of constructive awareness and a common point of view between the participants in the conversation.

Hear

The ability to hear, and not just listen, is the main rule of conducting a constructive dialogue. Even if you think you know this question thoroughly. Because the idea and the essence of the thought may differ significantly from your vision of the problem. And interrupting the interlocutor because of the desire to give a quick answer leads to the fact that the person withdraws into himself and no longer wants to continue the dialogue.

Even after you are convinced that your interlocutor’s thoughts are familiar to you, you need to familiarize yourself with his vision of what is happening. Find out all the nuances and come to a common opinion. And only after that can you give ready-made answers.

The ability to hear your interlocutor is the first step towards mutual understanding.

Speak

“The ability to communicate with people is a commodity bought with money, like sugar and coffee. And I am ready to pay more for this skill than for any other product in this world,” said John Rockefeller.

Correct communication is the ability to say the right words at the right time.

And the higher a person’s position in business, the more expensive his time spent on each specific word.

The manager must:

• direct the actions of subordinates to achieve intended goals;
• express your thoughts and ideas correctly;
• justify your vision in various circumstances.

To achieve your goals, you need to express your thoughts constructively. They should evoke the emotions and beliefs you need. A person holding a leadership position must be able to influence subordinates with words. This is necessary for a successful business.

Convince

Constructive communication helps develop a conscious understanding of the need for action to achieve results. To do this, you need to formulate your vision of the situation. A person must come to the conclusion that he needs to do it the way you want him to. The first stage of persuasion is repression. It consists of refuting your opponent’s arguments, proving the inconsistency of his beliefs. After a refutation, it is necessary to introduce your arguments into his consciousness. This is called substitution.

Persuasion scheme:

• proving the inconsistency of the interlocutor’s ideas by demonstrating negative qualities;
• demonstrating the positive features of your idea.

Otherwise, the interlocutor may agree with your arguments, but act according to his own vision.

Principles of speech communication

In order for communication not to be meaningless and empty, you need to know the rules and principles of communication. These include: quantity, quality, attitude and method.

1. Quantity. The statement should contain no more and no less information than required.
2. Quality. The statement must be truthful, with sufficient justification.
3. Attitude. Don't deviate into other topics.
4. Way. Express your thoughts clearly, avoid ambiguity, and be concise and organized.

The rules of speech also include the principle of communication. This principle includes: tact, generosity, approval, modesty, agreement and sympathy.

Tact

Tact refers to the boundaries of personal spheres. It is necessary to maintain distance between interlocutors. You should not talk about the purpose of the conversation if your opponent has not voiced it, and also avoid topics about your personal life and tastes.

Generosity

Try to formulate your proposals without being forced. The opponent must be able to refuse it.

OK

The views of the people conducting the dialogue must coincide and be positive in their attitude. Different visions make it much more difficult to achieve your own goals.

Modesty

It is necessary to stop excessive praise addressed to yourself and have a realistic, objective self-esteem. Inflated self-esteem can negatively affect the achievement of results.

Agreement

The interlocutors must abandon the conflict to achieve the goal.

Sympathy

The address to the opponent should be favorable. Lack of goodwill makes constructive dialogue impossible.

Compliance with rules and principles is not absolute. But they allow you to achieve a positive communication climate, because the effectiveness of information transfer increases in an atmosphere of trust and goodwill.

Psychological norms of communication

Psychological norms of communication include the following principles:

• principle of equal security;
• principle of non-centric orientation;
• principle of adequacy.

The principle of equal security lies in the mutual respect of interlocutors towards each other. It is prohibited to use insults, labels, rude expressions, hurtful words, contempt and ridicule.

The principle of non-centric focus means directing all the forces of the participants to solve problems. Instead of protecting ambitions and selfish interests.

The principle of adequacy is based on the correct perception of what is said, as well as on the correct voicing of thoughts.

When conducting a constructive dialogue, the main thing is that the dialogue partner understands what you are saying. Because the sender of the message is responsible for understanding the meaning.

Possible obstacles

1. The main factor preventing constructive conversation is value judgment.
2. It is very difficult to always be sure of the same views with your interlocutor, so you need to speak with facts, without arguments for or against.
3. Try to conduct the conversation in such a way that the person wants to realize your desire.
4. If the dialogue partner has no desire to share information, do not arrange an interrogation, this may lead to a dispute.
5. Do not convince a person that his actions are explained by fear, jealousy or other emotions, this can cause resentment towards you and provoke an attack of aggression.
6. If your interlocutor sees problems in resolving the situation, then show respect for his feelings and experiences.
7. Even if you have no interest in the other person’s topic, show tact and try not to interrupt him.
8. Do not demonstrate your superiority over your interlocutor, even if you have reason to do so.
9. Formulate your proposals as a request, not an order. This stimulates the interlocutor’s desire to help.

What else may hinder constructive dialogue:

• discussion of events that have already occurred;
• choosing the wrong interlocutor;
• the desire to change not the situation, but those around him;
• an obstacle in communication, based both on personal hostility and on other reasons;
• avoidance of the interlocutor due to his possible negative impact on the situation;
• inability to perceive the speech of the interlocutor;
• semantic factor: using jargon or slang can be off-putting;
• diffidence.

Emotional stress during communication

It is necessary to conduct a constructive dialogue with a cool mind, without excessive emotions and feelings. Excessive emotions can lead to loss of control over the situation.

To relieve emotional stress, there are the following techniques:

• do not use defense and attack tactics;
• formulate your thoughts in such a way as not to evoke a desire to defend yourself;
• do not make excuses, this shows weakness;
• explain your point of view calmly and thoroughly;
• eliminate the source of negativity;
• show your readiness to understand your opponent;
• Don't focus on your needs.

Communication culture

In order for relationships with people to bring positive consequences, use a culture of communication and control your behavior. To do this you need:

• treat your interlocutor as an equal;
• behave with dignity and respect;
• appreciate the importance of the personality and actions of the person with whom you are talking;
• demonstrate your interest;
• create visible and conscious attention.

Communication technique

To be correctly understood and useful to your interlocutor, use the rules of constructive communication:

1. Conduct the conversation in the language of the interlocutor, do not use complex terms and expressions in communication. Emphasize your respectful attitude towards your opponent. Try to find something in common, this will make it easier to build a conversation.
2. Show interest in your opponent's problems. Listen carefully and let him speak.
3. Talk about how you feel. This will help build trust in you.
4. Don't say unnecessary words if you don't know how to solve the problem.
5. Don't take your partner's actions negatively.

Listening technique

To conduct a dialogue, you need to master the techniques of listening to your interlocutor. These include: active (reflective), passive (non-reflective) and empathic.

Active

The active technique is to reflect the information received. This shows the other person your attention, interest and respect, and also keeps their attention without losing the thread of the conversation.

Passive

Passive technique reflects complete concentration of attention on the information received and the behavior of the partner. To demonstrate that you are interested in the topic, sometimes nod your head, thereby confirming that you are listening to your interlocutor.

Empathic

Empathic technique is based on empathy for the opponent. It is necessary not only to understand, but also to share the emotions of the interlocutor. To conduct a positive, constructive dialogue, it is advised to master this technique. You need to tune in to listen to your opponent, abstract from your problems and surrounding events. Try to capture your partner's feelings and convey them in words. Pause after your words for your interlocutor to think about them. There is no need to explain the reason for these experiences.

Teaching children

When raising a child, do not forget to teach him the correct ability to listen and respect the interlocutor. This training involves controlling your own speech. Children repeat everything after the people around them. Try to ensure that your communication with your child is the same as with an adult. When communicating with their parents, children must learn to live, being able to argue and defend their point of view. Let them take the initiative. Do not interrupt, despite the absurdity of the statement. Listen to him to the end, carefully and thoroughly explain the wrong to the child. Teach him to defend his point of view.

Constructive communication with children

In order to find a common language with the younger generation, use the following rules:

1. Set clear boundaries of what is permitted. Remind them constantly. They should not be allowed to discuss them. This will lead to manipulation of parents.
2. Boundaries should be appropriate to the child's age and interests. Change the rules as your child gets older. Express praise for any achievements and successes. This strengthens self-confidence and stimulates personal development, as well as further achievements.
3. Rules and restrictions must be observed by all people involved in the process of raising a child. If this is not observed, then it is difficult for the child to perceive and comply with them.
4. Punishment must be reasoned and appropriate to the offense.

Conclusion

To avoid many problems and misunderstandings in the modern world, every person must know and use the rules of constructive dialogue, as well as be able to control their behavior. This knowledge and experience will help avoid many conflict situations. Consider whether you have such skills. After learning the basics of constructive dialogue in your life, relationships in your family, friends, and at work will become much easier.

It would be much easier for people to achieve their diverse goals if they learned to communicate constructively. In our world, everything is based on communication: family, business, self-development, interaction with society, and if you learn the basics of constructive dialogue, you will shorten your path to success at least several times.

What is constructive dialogue (CD) and how does it differ from ordinary dialogue?

The main difference in these concepts lies in the purpose for which the conversation is being conducted at all, and, of course, in the style of the dialogue itself. A normal conversation is aimed at exchanging information and emotional outburst.

The goal of constructive dialogue is the orderly discovery of truth, which forms a clear worldview of a person.

Remember the difference! If you see a conversation in front of you that is not aimed at any goal, then this is ordinary chatter. Such chatter is aimed solely at exchanging information without understanding it. This means that as a result of this chatter, a person is left with only emotions: positive or negative, depending on the style of communication.

The main difference between a constructive dialogue is the mutual desire to achieve a common view and complete understanding, and until the goal is achieved, the interlocutors do not stop their communication. And this means that as a result of such a dialogue, a person should form a certain awareness that will improve his quality of life.

From this same difference follows the next characteristic - orderly and respectful communication.

People are able to openly discuss issues only when they feel attentive involvement on the part of the interlocutor. Any shouting, sarcasm, grinning or inattention closes the desire to communicate, and thereby violates the main goal of constructive dialogue - mutual discovery of the truth.

From this day on, we will begin to discuss with you the basic tips that develop constructive communication skills. And the first piece of advice with which we will begin our excursion is...

The ability to hear!

This is a very simple rule, and yet it is extremely rarely followed. Yes, yes, you think you hear your interlocutor, but often you are just listening to him. And this is not the same thing at all.

Admit it honestly, you are used to perceiving your interlocutor’s thoughts on the spot and, having recognized only the first words, you strive to give a quick answer. Why waste time if the essence is already clear to you? Now ask yourself a question: are you ready to guarantee that you really understand the essence?

Or do you just think this is so because you have previously talked about the same topic with other people?

Our past communication experience largely influences our perception of certain topics. What you mean by “I know in advance what you will say” means that your memory has already recorded the course of a similar conversation from the past. And you are literally trying to walk along the same path with a new interlocutor, without plunging your attention into the essence of his speeches. In this case, you do not take into account the fact that his ideas may differ significantly from the thoughts of your previous interlocutor.

Thus, people come to a collision in which one of the participants in the conversation closes himself off from the constant interruption of his thoughts by the second interlocutor, and the second interlocutor is very pleased that he was able to answer questions in advance that had not yet been asked to him.

Even if you are really convinced that all the thoughts and ideas of your interlocutor are familiar to you, do not rush to answer him with ready-made answers. His thoughts and ideas are based on his picture of the world, which may be incomplete or, on the contrary, littered with false facts. This means that until you discuss his picture of the world and can jointly correct it to a single vision, your ready-made answers will be regarded as something “complicated, alien.”

Learn to listen carefully to your interlocutor - this is the only way you can see his picture of the world!

This is the first step towards understanding each other. This is the only way you can truly recognize the thoughts and ideas of your interlocutor. And if they are already familiar to you, but you do not agree with them, then only through attentive listening will you get the opportunity to see a person’s picture of the world, and find in it the keys to a unified view of the world.

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Constructive conversation what is it, destructive dialogue

Posted On 02/08/2018

Unconstructive conversation. Ending an Unconstructive Conversation

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When servicing clients, there are situations when the conversation ceases to be constructive (the client asks personal questions to the operator, the client’s address is hooligan in nature, during the conversation the client uses obscene language).

The specialist’s task is to correctly end the conversation.

Please note that our goal in such situations is for the client to complete the conversation himself!

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Constructive dialogue

It is advisable to consider negotiation tactics in relation to the two most difficult tactical cases: when the partner is not in the mood for a constructive dialogue and when the partner takes a more advantageous position. Let's start with the case when the partner behaves destructively, announces his firm position, criticizes your proposal and in general, strive to do only what ensures maximum personal benefit. Naturally, in such a situation, you may be tempted to become defensive and inclined to counterattack. However, if you do this, you will end up accepting the rules of positional bargaining. Stubbornly defending your proposal will tie you up and inevitably lead to a confrontation. You will soon find that you are in a vicious circle of attack and defense. To break this circle, you should try to make the negotiations constructive, that is, move away from conducting them using the method of positional bargaining and begin a dialogue with your partner based on principled negotiations. To do this, it is important to tune in to the constructive nature of negotiations. There are several points to keep in mind here. First of all, you need to establish a relationship with your partner, for this you should not try to “beat” him and be the first to use various kinds of techniques aimed at confrontation. Start negotiations by considering those points that you have and your partner does not raise any objections. During discussions and argumentation of your position, you should not try to convince your partner that his point of view is wrong. Such behavior can only cause irritation in him. These are the main points that should be kept in mind when you are setting yourself up for a constructive nature of negotiations. When conducting a dialogue with your partner, it is advisable to follow a few simple rules. Rule one. First of all, you must try to distract your partner from the destructive positions he occupies, making it clear that constructiveness in negotiations is primarily beneficial to himself. Rule two. If your opponent still claims a strong position, don't reject it, but don't accept it either. When an opponent attacks your ideas, do not defend them, but wait and give him the opportunity to speak out. In short, deny yourself the pleasure of returning blows to your opponent. Instead of fending off his onslaught, listen carefully to all objections and show that you understand what is being said, and then direct your efforts to explore the interests that lie behind such objections. Rule three. Offer your partner several options for solving the problem. Ask him for his options. Then look at improving those options. Try discussing hypothetically what would happen if one of his positions were accepted. Rule four. Encourage criticism instead of rejecting it. Instead of asking for acceptance or rejection of an idea, ask what your opponent thinks is wrong (for example, “What circumstances prevent you from considering my proposal?”). While encouraging criticism, try to direct it in a constructive direction so that you can change the situation and seek advice from someone else. to your opponent.

Ask what he would do if he were in your place. Rule five. Use questions rather than statements when communicating with your partner. Statements provoke resistance, while questions provoke answers. Rule six. Pause often, especially after asking questions. If you've been given an unreasonable offer or launched an unreasonable attack, the best thing to do is sit and not say a word. If you ask a question and get an unsatisfactory answer, just wait. People usually feel uncomfortable in silence, especially if they are not entirely sure of the validity of their statements. Silence creates the impression of a hopeless situation, and the other party will feel obligated to get out of it by answering your question or putting forward a new proposal. So, having understood the tactics of negotiations in the case when your partner is not in the mood for a constructive dialogue, let’s now consider the tactics of negotiations, when your partner occupies a more advantageous position. Negotiations with a partner whose position is stronger most often cause anxiety and a feeling of uncertainty. However, we can only talk about your weaker position conditionally. Partners are always interconnected (otherwise they would not have sat down at the negotiating table!) and, therefore, equal. The tactics of negotiating with the stronger party are well described by American psychologists Roger Fisher and William Urey. Let us present their individual arguments in relation to this case of negotiation practice. When dealing with a stronger partner, you may be tempted to adapt to his views. To protect yourself from such a temptation, you should think in advance of the worst option you can take, i.e. set your “limit”. For example, when you buy, the limit is the highest price you can pay. If you are selling something, the limit is the lowest price acceptable to you. A limit is a position that you cannot change. When a limit is set, it is easier to resist the pressures and temptations of the moment. However, setting a limit reduces the incentive to invent solutions that could reconcile different interests in a way that benefits both partners. In short, the question arises: Is it possible to protect yourself from accepting an undesirable agreement and at the same time prevent yourself from abandoning an agreement that you can accept? It turns out you can if you have a measure that makes it possible to measure any proposed agreement. This measure is the best (out of the range of options available to you) alternative. Without preparing any alternative to a possible solution, you are unreasonably pessimistic about the situation that may arise if negotiations fail.

If you have not carefully thought through what you will do in this case, then you are conducting such negotiations with your eyes closed. However, you need not every alternative, but the best of all the alternatives you have to a possible and impossible solution for you. The more modern your best alternative, the greater your ability to improve the terms of any negotiated agreement. Knowing what you are going to do if negotiations fail to reach an agreement will give you extra confidence during the negotiation process. It's easier to break off negotiations if you know where you're going. The stronger your desire to interrupt negotiations, the greater the likelihood of achieving the desired result. Negotiation tactics are directly implemented using tactics that allow you to achieve your goal. Until recently, a confrontational approach, implemented through positional bargaining, dominated in a variety of negotiations. Therefore, during negotiations, mainly those tactical techniques are used that correspond to the conduct of negotiations, or are based on a confrontational approach, or are generally aimed not at solving the problem, but at implementing other objectives of the negotiations, propaganda, diverting the attention of a partner, etc. Among the tactical techniques , widespread at all stages of the negotiation process, is the technique of “withdrawal, or avoidance of struggle.” This technique is used when issues are raised that are undesirable for discussion, or when it is undesirable to give your partner precise information or a definite answer. The technique is that a partner is asked to postpone consideration of a particular issue, transfer it to another meeting, etc. At the same time, your request must be accompanied by convincing arguments. The “withdrawal” technique can play a positive role when, for example, it is necessary to coordinate the issue with other organizations or carefully think through and carefully weigh the positive and negative aspects associated with accepting a partner’s offer. Close in meaning to acceptance “leaving” other tactics - “delaying”, “waiting”, “salami” (based on the principle of cutting sausage into thin pieces). These techniques are used when they want to delay negotiations in order to clarify the situation, get more information from a partner, etc. A more complex tactical technique is the “packaging” technique. It lies in the fact that not one question or proposal is proposed for discussion, but several. This solves two problems. In the first case, attractive and unacceptable offers for the partner are bundled into one “package”. It is assumed that the partner, being interested in one or more proposals, will accept the rest. In another case, they achieve acceptance of the main proposals by making concessions on unimportant proposals. Close in meaning to this technique is the technique of “increasing demands.” It consists of including points in the problems being discussed that can then be painlessly removed, pretending that this is a concession, and demanding similar steps on the part of the partner. Moreover, these points must contain proposals that are obviously unacceptable to the partner. They also include the tactical technique of “placing false accents in one’s own position.” It consists of demonstrating to the partner extreme interest in resolving some issue that is actually of secondary importance. Sometimes this is done in order to remove this issue from the agenda in order to obtain the necessary decisions on another more important issue. Another tactic is “putting forward demands at the last minute.”

"Constructive" conversation

Its essence is that at the end of the negotiations, when all that remains is to sign the contract, one of the partners puts forward new demands.

If the other party is very interested in the contract, they will accept these demands. But sometimes it happens that the signing of a contract is postponed for this reason or is completely disrupted. When trying to change the course of negotiations in your favor, you should never resort to the trick that our negotiators sometimes allow themselves: they say that someone is offering them more favorable terms of the deal. In respectable business circles this is considered blackmail and tactlessness. It is generally accepted there that everyone is free to choose the most profitable partner for themselves, but must do it with dignity, without offending others. It often happens that in the process of conducting commercial negotiations a partner turns out to be a manipulator, i.e. a person who tries to use an opponent and his personal characteristics and “weaknesses” to achieve his own selfish goals. To do this, he uses the following techniques:1. Deliberate deception. The partner claims something that is obviously false. However, if you express doubt, he pretends to be offended and even insulted. What to do in this case? First of all, you should “separate” this person from the problem being solved together with him. If you have no reason to trust him, don't do it. But that doesn't mean you should call him a liar. Negotiations must continue, but without trust. Therefore, when you feel that your partner is giving false facts, do not immediately try to catch him in a lie. Tell that partner that you are negotiating regardless of whether you trust or distrust him, and you are going to check all his factual statements, since this is your principled position in the negotiations. This kind of statement should always be made in a very correct form with appropriate apologies in this case.2. Dubiousness of intentions. If the intention of the other party to fulfill the agreement is doubtful, then, for the sake of decency, having expressed confidence in its honesty and the low probability of violation of the terms of the agreement on its part, include clauses in the contract that ensure the fulfillment of obligations, and even better - specific tough sanctions in case of non-compliance with the conditions agreement.3. Unclear powers. At the moment when you think that a firm agreement has been reached, the other party informs you that it does not have the authority and rights to make a final decision and make concessions and that it now needs to obtain the approval of the other person. In this case, the following tactics are recommended. Before you begin the contract, ask: “What exactly are the powers you have in this case? » If you receive an evasive answer, reserve the right to reconsider any point in the negotiations or demand a conversation with a person who has real rights. If the situation in question arose at the end of the negotiations, you can say to your partner: “If your management approves this project, we will consider that we have agreed. Otherwise, each of us is free to make any changes to the project.”4. Intentionally choosing a bad place to negotiate. If you suspect that the environment is working against you, that the uncomfortable room was chosen deliberately so that you strive to quickly end negotiations and are ready to concede at the first request, what should you do in this case? First of all, you need to try to understand the reasons for your unpleasant feelings, discuss your proposals with the other side. Say you're uncomfortable. Offer to take a break, move to another more convenient room, or agree to reschedule the meeting for another time. Concluding our consideration of commercial negotiation techniques, we will indicate a general tactical rule for countering the use of such techniques. Its essence is to promptly recognize the partner’s tactics, openly declare its presence in his behavior and question the legality and desirability of such tactics, i.e. discuss it openly.

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Constructive dialogue

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A constructive solution is to try to change one’s own, internal properties of complex systems, which can lead to the transformation of the spectra of structures-attractors of evolution, sets of possible paths to the future. The only and constructive choice is a parallel, alternative path. Is the only constructive way out to write our own saving Grassopedia with such errors inherent in it in advance and deliberately that would only be beneficial to us? Housewives have a predominantly constructive approach to household chores—active housekeeping rather than passive housekeeping.

Why strive for constructive dialogue

And their dialogue is a whole story, understandable even with a language barrier. Dialogue is when two people talk. Dialogue is a method of presentation common in Ancient Greece, in which information or ideas are not presented by the author to the reader on his own behalf, but come through the lips of two or more persons addressing each other. Dialogue is the first and easiest weapon of nonviolent action, but it is also its central support. Internal dialogue is a process that constantly maintains the position of the assemblage point. Internal dialogue is a conversation we constantly have with ourselves. Frank dialogue is the best way to follow the truth. Socratic dialogue is an argument for the sake of victory over the interlocutor; it is both a hidden form of teaching and just a pastime.

Communication training for teachers

“CONSTRUCTIVE AND UNCONSTRUCTIVE COMMUNICATION”

Goal: development of communication skills of preschool teachers in the process of their interaction.

• Creating a favorable psycho-emotional climate.
• Identifying the communication style of each member of the training group.
• Familiarization of teachers with the techniques of constructive communication.
• Learning how to get out of problematic situations by using constructive communication techniques.

Training participants sit on chairs arranged in a circle. Each participant receives a piece of paper of the same color (red, yellow or green) - at the participant’s choice.

TRAINING PROGRESS:

1. Greeting.

I am very glad to welcome you all, and I hope that we will have a great conversation, because today we will train our communication skills.

2. Questioning each group member about his well-being.

How are you feeling?

What's your mood now?

What do you expect from the training?

Since our event today is billed as a training session, let me remind you of the basic principles of psychological training:

• "Here and now." The subject of our conversation and analysis should be situations arising in the group at a given time, thoughts appearing at the moment.
• Sincerity and openness. The most important thing is not to be a hypocrite and not to lie.
• The "I" principle. The main focus of participants should be on self-analysis and reflection.

Constructive conversation in a married couple (+ diagram)

It is prohibited to use statements such as “We believe...”, “We have a different opinion”, etc. All statements must be constructed in the first person singular: “I feel...”, “It seems to me...”, etc.

• Activity. It is impossible to “sit out” during group work, since psychological training is an active form of training and development.
• Confidentiality. Everything that is said in the group regarding the training participants should not go beyond its boundaries.

3. Subject message. Warming up the group.

A person is constantly in a whirlpool of contacts with people close to him and complete strangers. His successes, achievements, as well as mental well-being largely depend on how well he has mastered the art of communication. Communication is a complex process of establishing and developing contacts between people. Is the ability to communicate given to a person by nature or does it need to be learned? Of course, people learn communication skills throughout their lives. Moreover, you can learn to communicate only in the process of communication itself, and not just from books and advice from knowledgeable people. In teaching practice, communication is the most important factor in professional success. “High technique of pedagogical communication is not only one of the components, but also the leading component of pedagogical skill” (Skatkin M.I.). This is why learning and practicing communication skills become the primary task of a teacher who strives for effective interaction with colleagues, with children and their parents.

So, the topic of our training today is “CONSTRUCTIVE AND UNCONSTRUCTIVE COMMUNICATION.”

I suggest you do the first exercise “Presentation” as a warm-up.

Each participant writes their name vertically in block letters. Opposite each letter of the name is written its own quality, which begins with this letter.

4. Statement of the problem.

There are different types of communication, but regarding its productivity, two types are usually distinguished: constructive and non-constructive.

Types of unconstructive communication.

Of course, we will not try to beat them, so that they do not become entrenched in our practice, in our consciousness, but we must get to know them.

• Comparison. “You are just like your friend. You make the same mistakes." Result: a person develops resentment and a decreased sense of self-worth.
• Neglect. “I would like your problems...” Result: a decrease in the significance of the problem and associated experiences.
• Order. "Calm down immediately." Prohibition on experiences.
• Uninvolved hearing. The listener asks any formal questions that do not affect the essence of the problem. Result: a person feels that he is not being listened to and is not interesting.
• Haste. “In short...”, “Yes, I already understood everything...”
• Own interpretation. "What you're really talking about is..." The listener gives the situation a different meaning and interprets it in his own way. Result: due to misunderstanding, either anger or the person will withdraw.
• Criticism. “You are wrong, as always...”, “Well, as usual...”.
• Foresight. “I told you...”, “I warned you...”.

Types of constructive communication.

• Reflective (active) listening.

In order for the communication process to be more effective, it is advisable for the teacher to master some listening techniques. They include the following techniques: verbatim repetition, paraphrasing, summarizing.

Verbatim repetition - involves reproducing aloud part of what was said in an unchanged form. This can be a whole phrase or a few words that let the interlocutor know that he is being listened to attentively.

Paraphrasing involves repeating the main content of what was said in a more condensed form or in your own words. This technique allows us to believe how correctly we understood our communication partner.

Summarizing is a summary, highlighting the main ideas of the speakers. This technique allows you to correctly place emphasis, determine the main thing in the interlocutor’s speech, and, if necessary, bring the conversation to the final stage.

• Support of various types (table).

Participants in the training are asked to work in groups of three to work on active listening techniques and types of support (one tells the other, the third is an observer, then they change roles).

Statements about the exercise:

Was it easy to be a listener?

What was missing?

What helped the narrator?

How did you feel as an observer?

5. Final exercise.

Exercise “Wish”.

Let's end our training today with wishes for today. The statement should be short, preferably in the form of one or two words. You throw the ball to someone you want to wish something to and say kind words. The one who catches the ball throws it to the next one, etc. We will carefully ensure that everyone has the ball.

6. Summing up the lesson. Reflection of the participants.

Before we go our separate ways, I would like you to leave your leaves on the tree. This unusual tree is a tree of knowledge, emotions and questions. Who has a green leaf - write down on it briefly the knowledge that you acquired today at our training; who has a red leaf - describe the emotions that you experienced today; If anyone has a green leaf, write down those questions that remain unclear, that may have arisen during the training, or that you just want to ask me at the moment.

7. Summary of the presenter.

Parting.

Today we practiced our communication skills. For some it was easy, for others it was difficult. But you shouldn’t stop there. Try in your teaching practice, and in everyday life, to abandon various types of unconstructive communication, and use only constructive types of communication. And I am sure that you will succeed! Goodbye!

owenural.ru

Constructive dialogue. Constructive dialogue in pairs

He who has ears to hear, let him hear!

Ev. Matthew 11:15

Constructive dialogue in a couple is the key to long and strong relationships in the family. Her peace and harmony. Do we know how to structure communication in such a way as to hear each other? What determines “audibility” in a pair? Is it really only from auditory analyzers?

Practice shows that in order to be heard and to hear another, ears alone are not enough. We need a couple of them, no matter how funny it may sound. Two people participate in the dialogue. Therefore, one pair of ears is not enough. You need two loving hearts, two pairs of ears, two heads and a little self-irony. Irony and laughter are perhaps the only constructive psychological defense against life’s negativity. Self-irony is useful for overcoming your Ego, which does not want to give up its bastions and selflessly defends the impregnable fortress of its own significance and infallibility. But in fact, he is just waging a protracted war against parental rejection and incorrectly formed gender stereotypes.

Constructive dialogue is always an invitation to reflection. This is a peaceful conversation between two participants in an easy and unobtrusive exchange of thoughts. This is a search for common ground and unity. Not proving your own view, but finding those points that will unite this view and allow you to create a common image of the vision of this problem.

The first and most important thing for constructive communication is understanding why the conversation is being conducted, for what purpose. If the goal is to find commonality in the thoughts expressed, then the dialogue will be positive and constructive. And if it is important to defend your point of view, then the conversation will turn into an argument.

Think and answer the question: Are these relationships or the correctness of your view important to you? This will determine whether you maintain a positive, constructive style of communication or whether you will be permanently in a conflict-proving position.

This is where transactional analysis comes to the rescue, where we are asked to look at the positions from which the dialogue is conducted. The roles used for this are: Adult, Parent, Child. And communications (transactions) between these roles.

The position of an Adult means responsibility and a realistic view of the content of this communication. An adult adheres to assertive (confident) behavior, where he takes responsibility for his words and actions, and also supports his opponent, helps him cope with this problem and with his role in the communication process. This position is the most conflict-free.

The role of the Parent is determined by instructive manners in the communication process, the desire to be superior and the feeling that this person knows better what is right for the other. The parent does not take into account the emotional state of the interlocutor, his needs and desires. From the point of view of transactional analysis, this position always gives rise to conflict.

The position of the Child as a role in communication means the manifestation of the intention “I want”. The child as a role in the communicative process is definitely not a conflictual one. For example, a woman in the role of a Child can settle a quarrel. A man in such a role will assume an irresponsible position, which will certainly provoke an increase in unwanted tension, since the gender role of a Man involves taking responsibility, and this is the role of an Adult. This means that a man, being in the position of a Child, relinquishes his powers of responsibility in the dialogue.

Logic of communication

Constructive dialogue in pairs. What knowledge can help us achieve it? In addition to transactional analysis, there is also elementary Aristotelian logic with its simple and very clear laws, adhering to which one can also maintain constructive communication.

Let's give an example of logical patterns.

What is the method of this connection, what does it consist of?

In a judgment (hereinafter, dialogue), a subject (logical subject) is distinguished - this is the concept that is discussed in the judgment and a predicate (logical predicate) - this is the concept with the help of which something is affirmed or denied about the subject.

This means that the dialogue may look like this: one participant in the dialogue expresses a thought (subject), the second must indicate a concept (predicate) that will confirm or reject this thought.

Rule of constructive criticism

Constructive dialogue in pairs. In order for the dialogue to be constructive and peaceful, if you want to reject the thought of the first participant in the dialogue, the second can use the rule of constructive criticism, which states:

1. Praise.
2. Give criticism.
3. Praise again.

With this approach, the interlocutor will hear criticism without resistance. Otherwise, either he will not hear her at all, or aggression will arise, and the conversation will develop into a conflict.

If you try to adhere to these simple concepts in dialogue, and also remember that this is not an enemy, but a soul mate, you can achieve conflict-free and constructive communication. Not immediately, but gradually, training your positions (roles) in the dialogue, adhering to the logic of the conversation and remembering goodwill when expressing critical comments.

The art of constructive dialogue

Speak so that you are heard!

Listen so that you can hear your interlocutor!

Remember that this is a dialogue of loving hearts, not a cold mind!!!

mercabadom.ru

We express our feelings constructively.

In the previous article, we learned to understand what is happening to us through recognizing our feelings and emotions.

Understanding our emotions and feelings is a must if we want to know what is happening to us and find solutions to the problem. But often, in addition to understanding, it is also necessary to constructively convey to our partner information about what is happening to us and what we want.

What is constructive dialogue? This is a message to your partner about your condition, your needs and the development of a joint solution. Spilling out your state on your interlocutor, withdrawing into yourself, hiding or replacing some emotions with others does not contribute to constructive dialogue.

Therefore, only after we learn to recognize our feelings and emotions can we engage in constructive dialogue that will lead us to satisfying results.

You may argue that constructive dialogue is possible without recognizing your feelings and emotions. I agree with this. But in order for it to lead to results that satisfy us and we do not regret that we did not say something, missed something, forgot about something, understanding what is happening to us and what we want is a prerequisite. And as we found out, this is only possible if we get to know ourselves, our needs through the emotions and feelings that we experience.

Think about it: what is the purpose of constructive dialogue? This:

• show where the problem is (and to show it, you need to know exactly, and not assume)
• try to find a joint solution to the problem that would satisfy the needs of both partners.

But in order to be heard, we still need to follow a few rules, which we will talk about.

We speak in the first person.

One of the main conditions for a constructive conversation is to speak in the first person. Our task is to tell our partner about ourselves, about our experiences, and not about his behavior. For example, if we have noticed that when people raise their voices at us, we get lost and cannot speak, then this is exactly what we need to voice: “I become withdrawn when people raise their voices at me.” Starting a conversation with the pronoun “you”, we show our lack of self-confidence, demandingness, and our partner ceases to perceive us. Speaking in the first person, we seem to invite our partner to a dialogue that is safe for him.

We talk about the feelings we experienced.

We are accustomed to keeping silent about what we are experiencing, not even telling people close to us for fear of offending them, angering them, or being rejected. We are afraid that we will be accused of selfishness, that we think only about ourselves. But in reality, we simply do not know how to speak constructively. We remain silent, and our partner remains completely unaware of what is happening to us. And when the cup of patience runs out, when we explode, he is perplexed, because he believed that since we are silent, then everything suits us. Therefore, in order for the partner to recognize our state, it is necessary to voice it.

We talk about our reaction to our partner’s actions, indicating the reason.

It is very important to talk about our reactions to our partner’s actions so that our partner can understand why we suddenly became silent or offended, and not make our own assumptions about what this is connected with. After all, if we are silent, then the partner remains in the dark about how we react to his actions, how we feel. And he does these things again and again, strengthening our negative state.

And if our partner also does not tell us about feelings and reactions to our words and actions, we also remain in the dark about what is happening and sincerely do not understand why our partner suddenly lost interest in us. And the worst thing is that under this burden of misunderstanding, misunderstandings, and grievances, relationships are destroyed that could have been pleasant and satisfactory for us if we had not remained silent.

We talk about needs that were not met.

If we don't talk about our needs, it will be difficult for our partner to understand why we experience certain feelings. And he will most likely proceed from his understanding of why we experience these feelings and give a reaction that is not the one we expect. For example, if we have a need to be included in our partner’s life, but we don’t talk about it, our partner may perceive our behavior as a desire to control his life.

We are talking only about the specific action to which we reacted.

It is very important not to use generalizations if we want to solve a specific problem. Expressions like “you always” or “you never” lead away from constructive dialogue. For our partner to hear us, we need to talk about a specific case and a specific action. For example: “This morning I was very upset and offended because you didn’t put away the dishes in the evening as you promised.”

We check, not approve.

For a constructive dialogue, it is very important not to use affirmative sentences that lead to resistance. We cannot know one hundred percent why a particular action was performed or a particular opinion was chosen. For example, it is better to ask: “Did you really not know that this hurt me?”, instead of: “You know that this hurts me.”

Let's clarify.

People are different, and they may have different opinions on the same event. If we remember this, then it will not be difficult for us to find out our partner’s position and what he thinks about this. For example, “I assumed you knew this was driving me crazy. I was wrong?"

We cannot know what another feels, because our knowledge is only assumptions, so it is better to clarify them than to pass them off as truth.

We do not give orders or instructions on what to do to change the situation.

One of the main mistakes in a constructive conversation is the desire to impose your solution to a problem by telling someone what to do. The imposed decision is not implemented. Therefore, our task is to convey our position so that the decision is joint. For example, instead of: “You need to let me know you’re going to be late so I don’t worry,” it’s better to say, “I wouldn’t worry so much if I knew you were going to be late.”

We inform, not command.

If we are not satisfied with something in the answer or in the behavior of our partner during a conversation, try to convey this to him without using a commanding tone. For example: “I don’t like your grin,” instead of: “Stop grinning!”

We do not remember past grievances.

This is the most difficult thing in a conversation - to move away from past grievances and talk about a specific case. By remembering and uttering past grievances, we seem to pass a verdict on the fact that a person is not able to change and our attitude towards him is also already established. By and large, we do not leave our partner the opportunity to make adjustments to his behavior.

We don't blame.

When we resort to blaming our partner, we seem to shift responsibility for our experiences onto him. Yes, our partner aroused these emotions and feelings in us, but we experience them because we perceived our partner’s actions as offending, irritating, etc. It is better to talk about this to our partner so that he can hear us, what actions cause such feelings in us, than to blame.

By giving our partner responsibility for our feelings, we also give him power over ourselves. And taking responsibility for your feelings means managing them, managing yourself.

And another moment, by blaming, we make our partner want to defend himself. And in a state of defense, a person will not hear us and will not be able to understand what we want to convey to him.

We don't insult you.

If we feel like we want to insult our partner, then we need to realize that we are not ready for a constructive dialogue. By insulting a person, we let him know that our task is not to solve the problem constructively, but to throw out our accumulated emotions on our partner. This closes the possibility of further conversation. The same applies to sarcasm in our words.

We do not threaten our partner’s self-esteem.

Another important point that does not contribute to a constructive conversation is the desire to hurt your partner’s self-esteem. By humiliating a partner, we assert ourselves at his expense, show him that we understand better, have a better understanding of the problem than he does, know more, etc. That is, we initially place our partner below us. By such actions we make our partner want to avoid the conversation or shift the responsibility for solving the problem onto us: “You’re worried, that means it’s your problem.”

We do not hurt the feelings of others.

By hurting our partner's feelings, we close the way to constructive dialogue. Another mistake is attributing to a partner those feelings that we think he is experiencing, without specifying whether this is so.

Yes, our partner’s actions or words caused negative feelings in us, but this does not mean that he deliberately wanted to cause pain. He just doesn’t have the knowledge that you are reading about now. Therefore, it is necessary to completely eliminate phrases such as: “you get pleasure when you humiliate me,” “you always want to be on top,” etc., which will not allow us to conduct a constructive dialogue.

We do not evaluate the action.

In a constructive dialogue, only the partner himself can evaluate his action, but not us, since we do not know for certain the motive why he acted this way. If we want to find out the motive, then it is imperative to use the rules “we check, not approve” and “clarify”.

We don’t deny our partner’s abilities.

If we want to find a solution to the problem, we must refrain from denying our partner's ability to change. Often it is our disbelief that our partner can change that prevents him from doing so. We exclude such phrases: “You don’t understand the situation”, “you are not able to listen”, etc.

We don't demand immediate change.

If we want our partner to change his behavior, then in no case should we demand an instant change, so as not to cause resistance or a desire to defend ourselves (to defend our position).

Sketch from the course “Development of Conscious Attention”:

After I flared up, I allowed myself at that moment not to analyze the situation, but simply to remain silent in order to calm down. In the end, I realized that for now I need to ask him to do something... But in the future, there is a possibility that after developing certain skills and traditions, he will be able to cook something himself, without fear that he will do something “wrong.” So". I don’t like the result now, but I’m more satisfied than a quarrel, when everyone remains to their own opinion and nothing moves from the point.”

To summarize:

If your partner causes you negative feelings with his behavior, you need to inform him about this, resorting to the rules that we discussed today, clearly imagining what you want to get in the end.

You can prepare for the conversation in advance by recording it and checking to see if there are any violations of the rules. If necessary, correct and read aloud what happened, assuming that it is being addressed to you. If the text does not evoke negative emotions in you and, while reading it, you clearly understand what the author wants (in this case, you yourself), then you are well prepared for the dialogue.

When starting a conversation, keep in mind the goal - what you want to get in the end. Then you will not make mistakes in the conversation and will not go astray from the desired course.

I remind you that our task is to say about our feelings, that we are hurt and want our partner to change his behavior in a way that suits both of you.

An approximate scheme for a conversation:

• describe your feelings
• indicate the behavior of your partner that caused these experiences for you
• inform you about what can be changed in this situation.

The ability to convey your condition to your partner is just one of the skills that you will acquire by participating in the distance learning course “Development of Conscious Attention.”

We all know “how to” and “how to do it right”.

But is your knowledge your skill?

I am a practitioner and I know that theory without practical application is worthless. In the course I developed “Development of Conscious Attention” through understanding yourself, you will reach a different level of life that satisfies you.

I will give you the tools, we will work on them together, and you will become a specialist in effective interaction. Moreover, we will work on your specific life situations to obtain a result that satisfies you.

After completing the course, you will not only have the tools at your disposal, but also the skill and experience of effective communication that you will gain in the course. You will have support from participants in the closed forum of the Conscious Attention center. Which gives you a guarantee to build your life the way you want, since you will already know what you want and what needs to be done for it. And this is the best investment in yourself and your future!

Send your application for participation right now to the following address: Course starts on October 1st.

Course information.

Sincerely, Tatyana Ushakova.

When using an article or part of it, a valid link to the source is required http://o-vni2.blogspot.com/2012/09/blog-post_18.html

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what is it, rules and features

The purpose and style of conversation is what distinguishes constructive dialogue from ordinary dialogue. A typical conversation is aimed at exchanging information and emotions. Constructive dialogue is aimed at streamlining thoughts and shaping a worldview. The main goal is to achieve understanding of the interlocutors. The result of such a dialogue is the formation of a sense of constructive awareness and a common point of view between the participants in the conversation.

Hear

The ability to hear, and not just listen, is the main rule of conducting a constructive dialogue. Even if you think you know this question thoroughly. Because the idea and the essence of the thought may differ significantly from your vision of the problem. And interrupting the interlocutor because of the desire to give a quick answer leads to the fact that the person withdraws into himself and no longer wants to continue the dialogue.

Even after you are convinced that your interlocutor’s thoughts are familiar to you, you need to familiarize yourself with his vision of what is happening. Find out all the nuances and come to a common opinion. And only after that can you give ready-made answers.

The ability to hear your interlocutor is the first step towards mutual understanding.

Speak

“The ability to communicate with people is a commodity bought with money, like sugar and coffee. And I am ready to pay more for this skill than for any other product in this world,” said John Rockefeller.

Correct communication is the ability to say the right words at the right time.

And the higher a person’s position in business, the more expensive his time spent on each specific word.

The manager must:

• direct the actions of subordinates to achieve intended goals;
• express your thoughts and ideas correctly;
• justify your vision in various circumstances.

To achieve your goals, you need to express your thoughts constructively. They should evoke the emotions and beliefs you need. A person holding a leadership position must be able to influence subordinates with words. This is necessary for a successful business.

Convince

Constructive communication helps develop a conscious understanding of the need for action to achieve results. To do this, you need to formulate your vision of the situation. A person must come to the conclusion that he needs to do it the way you want him to. The first stage of persuasion is repression. It consists of refuting your opponent’s arguments, proving the inconsistency of his beliefs. After a refutation, it is necessary to introduce your arguments into his consciousness. This is called substitution.

Persuasion scheme:

• proving the inconsistency of the interlocutor’s ideas by demonstrating negative qualities;
• demonstrating the positive features of your idea.

Otherwise, the interlocutor may agree with your arguments, but act according to his own vision.

Principles of speech communication

In order for communication not to be meaningless and empty, you need to know the rules and principles of communication. These include: quantity, quality, attitude and method.

1. Quantity. The statement should contain no more and no less information than required.
2. Quality. The statement must be truthful, with sufficient justification.
3. Attitude. Don't deviate into other topics.
4. Way. Express your thoughts clearly, avoid ambiguity, and be concise and organized.

The rules of speech also include the principle of communication. This principle includes: tact, generosity, approval, modesty, agreement and sympathy.

Tact

Tact refers to the boundaries of personal spheres. It is necessary to maintain distance between interlocutors. You should not talk about the purpose of the conversation if your opponent has not voiced it, and also avoid topics about your personal life and tastes.

Generosity

Try to formulate your proposals without being forced. The opponent must be able to refuse it.

OK

The views of the people conducting the dialogue must coincide and be positive in their attitude. Different visions make it much more difficult to achieve your own goals.

Modesty

It is necessary to stop excessive praise addressed to yourself and have a realistic, objective self-esteem. Inflated self-esteem can negatively affect the achievement of results.

Agreement

The interlocutors must abandon the conflict to achieve the goal.

Sympathy

The address to the opponent should be favorable. Lack of goodwill makes constructive dialogue impossible.

Compliance with rules and principles is not absolute. But they allow you to achieve a positive communication climate, because the effectiveness of information transfer increases in an atmosphere of trust and goodwill.

Psychological norms of communication

Psychological norms of communication include the following principles:

• principle of equal security;
• principle of non-centric orientation;
• principle of adequacy.

The principle of equal security lies in the mutual respect of interlocutors towards each other. It is prohibited to use insults, labels, rude expressions, hurtful words, contempt and ridicule.

The principle of non-centric focus means directing all the forces of the participants to solve problems. Instead of protecting ambitions and selfish interests.

The principle of adequacy is based on the correct perception of what is said, as well as on the correct voicing of thoughts.

When conducting a constructive dialogue, the main thing is that the dialogue partner understands what you are saying. Because the sender of the message is responsible for understanding the meaning.

Possible obstacles

1. The main factor preventing constructive conversation is value judgment.
2. It is very difficult to always be sure of the same views with your interlocutor, so you need to speak with facts, without arguments for or against.
3. Try to conduct the conversation in such a way that the person wants to realize your desire.
4. If the dialogue partner has no desire to share information, do not arrange an interrogation, this may lead to a dispute.
5. Do not convince a person that his actions are explained by fear, jealousy or other emotions, this can cause resentment towards you and provoke an attack of aggression.
6. If your interlocutor sees problems in resolving the situation, then show respect for his feelings and experiences.
7. Even if you have no interest in the other person’s topic, show tact and try not to interrupt him.
8. Do not demonstrate your superiority over your interlocutor, even if you have reason to do so.
9. Formulate your proposals as a request, not an order. This stimulates the interlocutor’s desire to help.

What else may hinder constructive dialogue:

• discussion of events that have already occurred;
• choosing the wrong interlocutor;
• the desire to change not the situation, but those around him;
• an obstacle in communication, based both on personal hostility and on other reasons;
• avoidance of the interlocutor due to his possible negative impact on the situation;
• inability to perceive the speech of the interlocutor;
• semantic factor: using jargon or slang can be off-putting;
• diffidence.

Emotional stress during communication

It is necessary to conduct a constructive dialogue with a cool mind, without excessive emotions and feelings. Excessive emotions can lead to loss of control over the situation.

To relieve emotional stress, there are the following techniques:

• do not use defense and attack tactics;
• formulate your thoughts in such a way as not to evoke a desire to defend yourself;
• do not make excuses, this shows weakness;
• explain your point of view calmly and thoroughly;
• eliminate the source of negativity;
• show your readiness to understand your opponent;
• Don't focus on your needs.

Communication culture

In order for relationships with people to bring positive consequences, use a culture of communication and control your behavior. To do this you need:

• treat your interlocutor as an equal;
• behave with dignity and respect;
• appreciate the importance of the personality and actions of the person with whom you are talking;
• demonstrate your interest;
• create visible and conscious attention.

Communication technique

To be correctly understood and useful to your interlocutor, use the rules of constructive communication:

1. Conduct the conversation in the language of the interlocutor, do not use complex terms and expressions in communication. Emphasize your respectful attitude towards your opponent. Try to find something in common, this will make it easier to build a conversation.
2. Show interest in your opponent's problems. Listen carefully and let him speak.
3. Talk about how you feel. This will help build trust in you.
4. Don't say unnecessary words if you don't know how to solve the problem.
5. Don't take your partner's actions negatively.

Listening technique

To conduct a dialogue, you need to master the techniques of listening to your interlocutor. These include: active (reflective), passive (non-reflective) and empathic.

Active

The active technique is to reflect the information received. This shows the other person your attention, interest and respect, and also keeps their attention without losing the thread of the conversation.

Passive

Passive technique reflects complete concentration of attention on the information received and the behavior of the partner. To demonstrate that you are interested in the topic, sometimes nod your head, thereby confirming that you are listening to your interlocutor.

Empathic

Empathic technique is based on empathy for the opponent. It is necessary not only to understand, but also to share the emotions of the interlocutor. To conduct a positive, constructive dialogue, it is advised to master this technique. You need to tune in to listen to your opponent, abstract from your problems and surrounding events. Try to capture your partner's feelings and convey them in words. Pause after your words for your interlocutor to think about them. There is no need to explain the reason for these experiences.

Teaching children

When raising a child, do not forget to teach him the correct ability to listen and respect the interlocutor. This training involves controlling your own speech. Children repeat everything after the people around them. Try to ensure that your communication with your child is the same as with an adult. When communicating with their parents, children must learn to live, being able to argue and defend their point of view. Let them take the initiative. Do not interrupt, despite the absurdity of the statement. Listen to him to the end, carefully and thoroughly explain the wrong to the child. Teach him to defend his point of view.

Constructive communication with children

In order to find a common language with the younger generation, use the following rules:

1. Set clear boundaries of what is permitted. Remind them constantly. They should not be allowed to discuss them. This will lead to manipulation of parents.
2. Boundaries should be appropriate to the child's age and interests. Change the rules as your child gets older. Express praise for any achievements and successes. This strengthens self-confidence and stimulates personal development, as well as further achievements.
3. Rules and restrictions must be observed by all people involved in the process of raising a child. If this is not observed, then it is difficult for the child to perceive and comply with them.
4. Punishment must be reasoned and appropriate to the offense.

Conclusion

To avoid many problems and misunderstandings in the modern world, every person must know and use the rules of constructive dialogue, as well as be able to control their behavior. This knowledge and experience will help avoid many conflict situations. Consider whether you have such skills. After learning the basics of constructive dialogue in your life, relationships in your family, friends, and at work will become much easier.

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Constructiveness

Benefits of being constructive

• Constructiveness makes it possible to reduce the time of negotiations due to clearly formulated theses.
• Constructiveness allows you to block aggression and move communication into a productive direction.
• Constructiveness helps to identify the causes of errors and shortcomings and find relevant and relevant ways out of problematic situations.
• Constructiveness contributes to the clear formulation of goals and objectives.

Manifestations of constructiveness in everyday life

• Negotiation. Constructive people share information while ensuring that the conversation is equally beneficial to all parties.
• Policy. Establishing a constructive dialogue in domestic and foreign policy is strategically important for maintaining order and stability in the state.
• Design. What distinguishes design from art in its pure form is its applied nature and applicability in life. Ideally, any type of design, be it industrial, interior or clothing design, is constructive.
• Business. There is a clear etiquette in business communication. Unconstructive actions and conversations lead to inevitable financial losses. Perhaps it is thanks to constructiveness that many successful businessmen have achieved success and prosperity in business.

How to develop constructiveness

Learn constructive criticism. Only criticism that does not lead to aggression and conflict can be considered constructive; it does not say “what is bad,” but advises “how to do better.” A common example of aggressive criticism: “Where are you going?” - and constructive: “Please go to the left.” The ability to choose the right words and formulate a communication message is of great importance in the interpersonal relationships of business partners, managers and subordinates, and colleagues.

We learn to repel aggression. There are several ways to reflect, or absorb, aggression.

1. You agree with the phrase spoken in your direction. For complete stupor of the attacker, the phrase can be developed. For example: “What a fool you are!” - “Yes, I’m a fool. And also a selfish, poorly educated and uncultured person.” Such a move will immediately cool the attacker’s ardor, since you said everything he wanted for him.
2. You begin to ask leading questions, moving from the emotional to the rational sphere. “What a fool you are!” - “Do you think that I’m a fool?”, “What is the reason for this opinion of yours?”, “What exactly made you think of me like that?” etc. This method is also good because you can “promote” your opponent for constructive criticism (which, undoubtedly, can be useful for further self-development).

More details on counterattack methods can be found in the work of A.G. Safronova. “We attack - we are attacked. Theory and practice of psychological aikido".

We learn and improve structure. Along with linear recording of information, the method of mental maps (mind maps) has been developed and actively used over the past few decades. The essence of this method is to visualize the subject of memorization and its connections with other actions and tasks.

Golden mean

Imprudence, irrationality

Constructiveness

Excessive prudence

Catchphrases about constructiveness

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Techniques for constructive communication

In the process of communication, consciously or unconsciously, you strive to satisfy your needs for love, security, a sense of importance and sometimes power over another person.

Constructive communication may be hindered

1. Value judgment 2. Debtor words 3. Questioning or interrogation 4. Persuasion by logic 5. Changing the topic of a conversation that is unfinished

Techniques of constructive communication

Communication is often an emotional process and strong emotions can interfere with the correct perception of the interlocutor, make it difficult to understand his motives, and as a result lead to conflicts and misunderstandings.

1. Don't defend yourself and don't attack back. 2. React to emotions first. People are sometimes outraged that they are not heard and their efforts are not appreciated. 3. Express your partner’s feelings. Show that you heard and understood the person’s point of view, confirm this until he calms down and can explain what’s going on.

Rules for managing your emotions and feelings.

1. If you are experiencing stress, I recommend: Slowly drink a glass of water; Find a place where you can be alone and wet your face and wrist with cold water; Find a small object and look at it for 2 minutes, then close your eyes and imagine it in all its details.

2. Respect other people's feelings. Because you are not always the cause of an emotional explosion.

3. Be patient when someone is experiencing a strong emotional reaction. The ability to allow others to express their emotions.

4. Move away from negative power struggles. There are situations when a person, in order to raise his low self-esteem, drags you into an emotional dispute, the purpose of which is not to search for the truth, but to assert himself at your expense. Your confrontation or surrender will reinforce this behavior. Help these people restore their positive self-esteem in other ways, for example: by praising their actual strengths.

5. Avoid the temptation to punish, take revenge, blame back, avoid reproaches and criticism. Since this is unlikely to have the desired effect, it causes resentment and aggression.

6. An outburst of negative emotions should not cause harm to others.

The “I-statement” scheme (this technique of constructively expressing one’s own negative emotions)

1. Event (Description of an undesirable situation). Example: “When you yell at me in a company, reprimand me in front of everyone...”

2. Your reaction (description of your feelings). Example: “...I’m very angry, I’m offended...”

3. Preferred outcome (description of the desired option). Example: “...I would like to...”

When describing your emotional state, it is necessary to avoid elements of condemnation of your interlocutor as the reason for this reaction.

Communication with people occupies an important place in our lives. Without it, love and family relationships, friendships, work, and business would not be possible. As a rule, people who master the skill of constructive communication achieve great success in their personal and professional lives. But how can you learn to communicate constructively? What does the concept of “constructive conversation” even mean? You can find answers to these and other questions in our article.

In order to understand what a constructive conversation means, you must first know the meaning of the word “constructive”. Constructive is actions or reactions that are aimed at solving problematic problems, normalizing relationships and improving a difficult situation. The opposite of constructive is destructive. If a person uses profanity, insults, baselessly accuses other people (that is, engages in activities that take up time and lead nowhere) - this is a destructive person.

What is the difference between constructive dialogue and normal conversation?

We think you already roughly understand what a constructive conversation or dialogue means. But this raises another question: how does constructive communication differ from ordinary communication? Well, let's try to figure it out.

The main difference in these concepts lies in the purpose for which the conversation is being conducted, and, of course, in the style of the conversation itself. The essence of constructive conversation is the orderly discovery of truth, which shapes a person’s worldview. A conversation that has no purpose is just chatter. Such chatter is aimed only at the exchange of information between people. This means that as a result of the dialogue, a person is left with only positive or negative emotions.

A characteristic feature of a constructive conversation is a mutual desire to achieve mutual understanding, and until this goal is achieved, the interlocutors will continue to communicate. This means that upon completion of such a dialogue, a person’s point of view on a certain issue should change.

Rule #1

Orderly and respectful communication is the foundation of constructive conversation. People are able to discuss issues openly only if they see that the other person is closely involved in the conversation. Ridicule, shouting, sarcasm or simple inattention simply discourage the desire to communicate, and thereby violate the main goal of a constructive conversation - finding a result that would suit both parties.

This is an extremely simple rule, which, unfortunately, is not always followed. Some may say: “I’m definitely not like that. I always listen to the other person.” Perhaps this is true. But “listening to the interlocutor” and “hearing the interlocutor” are completely different things.

Below we will share with you other important rules that every person who wants to learn how to have a constructive conversation needs to know.

Time frame

The most important thing in solving a particular problem is its timeliness. Very often people start talking about what has already happened: “Yesterday you didn’t take out the trash”; “You should have told me about this right after it happened”; "You should have brought this a week ago." Such phrases will not lead to a solution to the problem. They will lead to the person starting to get out and look for excuses.

Remember that the past cannot be changed. You can influence the present and the future. Talking about the past will only be appropriate when you are analyzing mistakes that should be avoided in the future. For example, if your child does not do his homework on time, you need to first figure out the root of the problem: did he not understand the task, did he not have time due to being busy with other subjects, or simply did not want to do them? By finding out the original cause of the problem, you can prevent it in the future.

Choosing the right interlocutor

Subordinates discuss among themselves the decisions of their management: some are not satisfied with the reduction in the time allotted for the lunch break, others are unhappy with the air conditioning that does not work in the heat, others are not satisfied with the lack of a trash can in the office, etc. If they simply discuss this among themselves, they will ultimately achieve nothing. It would be more constructive to address such questions directly to your superiors (if there is a specific proposal).

Using facts

Quite often we hear the following phrases: “You don’t understand anything about this”; “I’m sure it will be more correct this way”; "I know better". On the one hand, a person wants to give weight to his opinion, but in reality such phrases are absolutely groundless and have no basis in argumentation. It has already happened that people do not always know how to correctly use the available facts.

For example, to the question: “Why should we go on vacation to country “A” and not to country “B”?” the answer follows: “Because I think so.” This phrase is familiar to many married couples. It’s just not entirely clear what exactly a spouse means by this. Is vacation in country “A” cheaper? Or is the nature and conditions better there? Never forget about specifics and arguments!

Solve the problem, don't change your interlocutor

In life, many people very often try to change those around them to suit themselves. You should try to get rid of this trait as quickly as possible. Understanding the fact that you are unlikely to be able to change another person can prevent a huge number of problems that may appear in the foreseeable future.

You are faced with a specific task. Let's consider the problem that we mentioned earlier - the child does not have time to complete his homework. In such a situation, there is no need to break your child and try to re-educate him in a rather rude manner. A child may not do his homework not only because he is a hooligan and a slacker. Perhaps he is too busy training. Or tutors take up a lot of his time, and because of this he simply does not have time to work on other subjects. There is a possibility that he simply does not understand this or that topic. As you can see, there can be many reasons. The main thing is to identify the problem and try to solve it.

Constructive criticism

Constructive conversation - what is it? We think we have already dealt with this issue. Now it's time to look at the concept of "constructive criticism", as it is inextricably linked with constructive conversation. As you may already understand, constructive criticism is balanced and reasoned criticism, in which there are no insults or other signs of destructiveness.

If you want the person to take your comments into account and correct their mistakes, your criticism should be free of any aggression. On the contrary, the conversation should take place in a positive tone. Structure of constructive criticism:

1. Praise.
2. Criticize.
3. Praise.

Now let's look at all this with an example. Let's say you are the head of a department. One of your subordinates, who has never let you down before, did not fulfill the work plan. Let's imagine that his name is Igor. How to act in such a situation?

1. Start with a positive assessment. Example: “Igor, you have shown good results over the past months. Through hard work and perseverance, you have become one of the best employees in our department.” Having heard such approving words, your subordinate will be ready to discuss points that need to be improved.
2. Discuss what needs to be changed and improved. Example: “At the same time, you still have room to grow. This month you only completed half the plan. Let’s discuss what you can do to improve this indicator next month.”
3. End the conversation on a positive note. Example: “I think with your abilities it won’t be too difficult for you to solve this problem.”

On this we propose to finish our article. Now you know what constructive conversation means and how to conduct it in your personal life and at work. We hope that our publication was interesting to you and you learned a lot of informative information!