Short funny phrases. Cool obscene phrases and expressions Unusual phrases and expressions

More than 230 witty, caustic, funny, cool, clever phrases, aphorisms and quotes for all occasions.

Children are interested in the question: where does everything come from, adults - where does everything go?

Appetite and guests come during meals.

I want to live forever. So far it's working.

Nobody knows as much as I don't know...

Women guess everything. They are only wrong when they reason

A woman sounds proud, but also loud, capricious and stupid.

God! I ask you for death! Don’t refuse me, Lord, I’m not asking for myself...

Toast: To beautiful ladies and other mythical characters!

How quickly time flies: you don’t even have time to wake up and you’re already late for work.

A girl is like a calculator: she adds problems, takes up time, multiplies expenses, divides property!!!

Rings on the roof wedding car mean that the initial score is 0:0

A woman is ready to do anything for love, even make love. A man is ready to do anything to make love, even to love.

Before spending the night with a man, a woman wants to understand whether she loves him. And a man can only understand whether he loves a woman after spending the night with her.

A man changes women when he wants to experience a lot, and a woman changes men when she experiences nothing.

Even the most beautiful legs grow from the ass.

Did the virus spill coffee on the keyboard too?

White and fluffy is actually gray and hairy.

There are no unbearable people, there are narrow doors.

One head is good, but with a body it’s better.

Take people's word, certified by signature and seal.

When I get married, give birth to a son, I’ll call him Kuzya - and I’ll be Kuzya’s mother!

You should not respond to evil with violence; you cannot even imagine what raped evil is capable of.

Is it okay what I say when you interrupt?

Talk, talk, I always yawn when I'm interested.

The road to success is always closed for repairs.

If you think smoking doesn't affect a woman's voice, try flicking the ashes onto the carpet.

If you hesitate for a long time, you can sway everyone...

A woman is kind: she can forgive a man everything, even if he is not guilty of anything.

A woman driving is like a star in the sky: you see her, but she doesn’t see you.

A woman wants everything - from one thing. A man is one from all.

The source of our wisdom is our experience. The source of our experience is our stupidity.

What a pity that you are finally leaving...

I am replacing the self-assembled tablecloth with a similar sheet.

Advertisement in the newspaper: I'm renting, damaging

One fish - another: - Well, let's say there is no God... And who then changes the water in the aquarium?

One of the most striking manifestations of optimism is the phrase: “What a fool I was!”

The clothes my mother gave birth in have become worn out...

If love is in you, it is strength, if you are in love, it is weakness.

Why do you need health at your age?

I'm not stupid - I'm not in the mood

Who said that Kutuzov did not have one eye? Kutuzov had one eye!

Workers are needed to work on the job. Payment in money.

I'm not serious - I'm bored

I'm not beautiful - I'm freaking cute

Healthy sleep not only prolongs life, but also reduces working hours

The penguin is a rare bird. This means that it must fly to the middle of the Dnieper.

He who does not go forward goes back - there is no standing position.

There is nothing sadder than the life of women who only knew how to be beautiful.

There is more pride in jealousy than love.

Give a person what he wants and you will deprive him of the meaning of life.

Only tomorrow can be worse than yesterday.

“Where words are few, they carry weight” - Shakespeare.

I've missed over 9,000 times in my career. I lost almost 300 matches. 26 times I was entrusted with making the decisive shot and I missed. I have failed very often in my life. That's why I succeeded.

The most difficult thing in an argument is not so much to defend your point of view as to have a clear idea of it.

Born to crawl, he will crawl everywhere.

“We can speak openly about our shortcomings only with those who recognize our merits.”

“It’s not enough to have a goal in life, you need to be able to shoot accurately.”

Don’t wish for people what you wish for yourself, you may have different tastes

We have learned to fly like birds and swim like fish, but we still need to learn to simply walk the earth like brothers.

Too many people think about protection instead of thinking about opportunity. They seem to be more afraid of life than death.

There can be a great fire in our soul. But no one may ever come to bask with him, because those passing by see only a wisp of smoke.

What is the end of the world for a caterpillar is a birthday for a butterfly.

Life is what happens when you are busy implementing other plans.

I want to go to hell, not heaven. There I can enjoy the company of popes, kings and dukes, while heaven is inhabited only by beggars, monks and apostles.

Hurry up to live so you can start all over again.

You shouldn't grow wings if you don't know where to fly.

My nights are better than your days.

Be careful what you wish for, otherwise your wishes may come true.

If I, yielding to requests, began to write about myself, it would be complaint book- “Fate is a whore” © Ranevskaya

My life philosophy: ask fewer questions and eat the ice cream before it melts

When you are not needed, but you are - this is scary situation, humiliating you first of all

One woman is DIFFERENT from another: no better, no worse, just different...

A screw driven in with a hammer is stronger than a nail driven in with a screwdriver.

Love is like a tree, it grows by itself, takes deep roots into our entire being and often continues to turn green and bloom even on the ruins of our heart.

Life is given once, but it succeeds even less often.

It happens that love will pass herself,

Without affecting either the heart or the mind.

When a woman chooses a lover, it is not as important to her whether she likes him as whether other women like him

When I eat, I am deaf and dumb, cunning and fast, and devilishly smart...

Men value the most material thing in women - beauty, and women value the most ephemeral thing in men: reliability.

Woman may not have yet created a single great invention, but she has created all the great inventors.

A woman never notices what is done for her, but she will always notice what is not done for her.

A woman in love is more likely to forgive a large indiscretion than a small infidelity.

If you want to force a woman to change her mind, you must categorically agree with her.

Women have only one means of making us happy and thirty thousand means - of making us unhappy.

Women, like cats, often love not their owner, but their home.

Women are absolutely natural and consistent in their inconstancy...

Women - special people: if you give them compliments, they take it for the truth; if you tell them the truth, they are offended.

One is not born a woman, one becomes one.

A woman who loves boldly does not try to treat pressing problems like a man - she is just a woman, before whose femininity she respectfully bows and retreats from any everyday troubles.

I want to love you, but not hold you. I want to appreciate you without reasoning. I want to join you, but not invade you. I want to ask, but not demand. I want to help, but not blame for inability. If we both want this, then we can meet.

Don't brag that your wife is the best: women may be offended, and men will want to make sure.

If you persuade a woman for too long, she will think that you are only capable of talking.

Married life is war every day and truce every night.

Don’t worry if your wife had someone before you: it’s worse if she has someone after.

The only real mistake is not correcting your past mistakes.

There are two ways to command women. But no one knows them.

A man, even if he could understand what a woman was thinking, would still not believe it.

Friendship between a man and a woman is based on the hope of one of the parties that this is not just friendship.

In love, one always kisses, and the other only turns his cheek

Women don't like timid men. Cats don't like cautious rats.

Men are always right and women are never wrong.

A career is a wonderful thing, but it can't warm anyone on a cold night.

The baby is a great example of a ruling minority.

Becoming a father is very easy. Being a father, on the other hand, is difficult.

Call rule. The phone you're looking at never rings.

God created woman later because he did not want to listen to advice when creating man.

How more women strive to free themselves, the more unhappy they become.

A friend is a person who knows everything about you - and yet loves you.

They forgive a loved one what they do not forgive others, and they do not forgive what they forgive others.

If a woman hates you, it means she loved you, loves you or will love you.

Nobody becomes a good man accidentally.

The most offensive thing is when your dream comes true for someone else.

Difficulties are created most easily.

Where is the beginning of the end with which the beginning ends.

A beautiful woman usually suffers from two diseases at once: delusions of grandeur and delusions of persecution.

If a person is happy for more than one day, it means they are hiding something from him.

A true friend is someone who will hold your hand and feel your heart.

All girls are angels by nature, but when their wings are broken off, they have to fly on a broom.

Set big goals - they're harder to miss!

The average woman prefers to be beautiful rather than smart because average man He sees better than he thinks.

Paradox: Putting in washing machine 6 socks, you only take out 5.

When the toilet is closed, you want to pay to use it.

The customer doesn't know what he wants until he sees what he gets.

When there is nothing left to do, many do just that.

Everything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or leads to obesity.

May you live as poor as you are!

The day was not wasted!

If you can’t change the situation, change your attitude towards it.

Short roads differ from long ones in that they charge tolls. And on dark roads they really like to announce the price at the end of the road...

Happiness is something that you don’t notice when it’s there, and you notice when it’s not...

I am made from a man's rib to protect his heart)))

Very often we choose not from what we want to have, but from what we are afraid of losing.

You don't sleep all day, don't eat all night - of course you get tired...

Conscience is a person’s wealth, and we, students, are a poor people....

A genius sleeps within each of us, and every day it grows stronger.

I didn’t even think to think what you thought!

Everyone knows that money does not buy happiness, but everyone wants to see for themselves.

A keychain is a small figurine that allows you to lose all your keys at once.

Gorilka is not Ukrainian vodka, it is a small anthropoid monkey.

By the time you find a place in the sun, it’s already evening.

Everyone has children, butterflies have children, fish, birds, even dogs. Only the pencil has no children, because it has a rubber band at the end!

Love is an electric current that runs from head to toe. And it gets to the point where a son or daughter is born.

Let us live a great life, so that we don’t want to change our lives! Falling in love is a reason for temptation, let's seduce each other!!!

Only those who feel fear in their hearts have courage,

Who looks into the abyss, but looks with pride in his eyes.

It's no wonder women don't have time for anything: just look at their tiny watches.

Only one person understood me; and, to tell the truth, he didn’t understand me either.

Life is a cross-country race in which everyone strives to get ahead in order to reach the finish line last.

Only on your birthday will you find out how many unnecessary things exist in the world.

My conscience is clear because I never use it.

Men love beautiful women more than smart people, because it’s easier for them to look rather than think.

A well-hinged tongue always itches.

It’s good to do nothing and then rest.

Never sport with a fool, he will bring you down to his level and beat you on his turf.

You may not be mine, but I am yours.

The most irresistible women's cosmetics are powder for male brains!

Never eat the last cutlet from the frying pan: you won’t be satisfied with just one cutlet, and you’ll have to wash the empty frying pan.

So many good, sweet girls... I'm the only exception to all the rules...

When a man is not with a woman, he starts doing stupid things. When a woman is not with a man... she starts doing dirty tricks.

It is much easier to receive forgiveness later than permission first.

“The task of making a person happy was not part of the plan for the creation of the world.”

How we live is a state secret, what is it for - a commercial one!

When I was born, I was so amazed that I didn’t talk to anyone for 2 years!

A woman is like a weapon: you cannot play with her.

Life, no matter how you curse it, is still worth living.

A woman is dangerous for every paradise...

You don't have to have friends, you have to be friends with them...

Living is harmful, people die from it...

There are always at least two truths...

Doing bullshit at work develops your hearing, peripheral vision, reaction and vigilance in general...

Loneliness is bad because few people can tolerate themselves for long...

A virgin is no better than a slut - both, in essence, are thinking about the same thing

The best way to get rid of temptation is to give in to it...

As long as I’ve lived, I can’t understand two things: where the dust comes from and where the money goes.

It’s better to do it and regret it than to regret not doing it.

Following the sandwich law, we can conclude that if a sandwich is spread on both sides, it will hang in the air.

I have everything except money and happiness.

Your joy at the coming of the clear sunny morning will be incomplete if it suddenly becomes clear to you that it is Monday.

If they try to drag you into win-win lottery, this means that you will not leave without losing.

The registry office is a place where love is rejected.

Avoiding praise is asking for repetition.

Tell me what you're thinking about and I'll tell you what.

All gods WERE immortal.

Fools die on Fridays, and who else will die when there are two weekends ahead.

If Eve did not cheat on Adam, then why did humanity come from apes?

It's good to be brave, but scary...

The later the ambulance arrives, the more accurate its diagnosis...

If you are late for work, it means you have it.

A negative result is also a result, especially if it is a result for HIV.

You have to live in such a way that you envy yourself.

What is ours Life is a game, everyone knows, but here’s how to play it...

If you're arguing with an idiot, he's probably doing the same thing.

No one can bring us to our knees! We lay, and we will lie!

If a man is a goat, this does not mean that he is a beast in bed.

Everything about a woman should be perfect - don’t shove anything into her!

Life is like a piano: the key is black, the key is white, the lid....(

The terrorists' ransom demands have been met. The terrorists were ransomed and put to bed.

No one has ever died from knowledge, but I don’t want to risk it.

A wonderful phrase: good always triumphs over evil! It’s still unclear who is winning whom...

April Fools' Day is an American folk holiday.

Life is like a dog sled: if you don't go ahead, you always see the same thing.

Happiness is when the desired coincides with the inevitable.

Every time I leave the hairdresser, I am tormented by the same question - why did they ask me how I wanted to cut my hair?

Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.

Love is like war: easy to start, difficult to end, impossible to forget...

A little bit of Vishnevsky:

I look good, but not often.

It's easier for men, their mothers-in-law love...

Yes, finally agree: I am not stubborn!

I love without memory... without memory... who?..

Years go by, I'm still over thirty...

The obstacles to happiness are you and excess weight.

Here is a scoundrel: he blushes - and he’s not lying!

Today there is pilaf without meat. And no rice.

What kind of money is this? This is surrender!!!

Both my mother and the Ministry of Health warned...

He is meaningfully silent, but asks unambiguously!

In bed he is like a god: he doesn’t snore!

There is a lot of childishness in him: he doesn’t like semolina porridge...

I believe that you too will be able to ruin someone’s life!

No matter what, no matter where, no matter with anyone...

Time heals, but the outcome is always fatal...

I'm covered in soap, but I can control myself...

Fate, baring its teeth, smiled...

I have nothing to hide, but I really wanted to hide...

Love is needed like money: every day.

I fell asleep without saying goodbye... I'm getting a divorce!

I demand it now, but not right away!

It's time to put up, tomorrow is payday...

Why are they useful? funny expressions and phrases? For any occasion in life, some people always have jokes, jokes, sayings that can help others. Witty, ironic, cheerful man He endures adversity more easily and does not mince his words.

Reality sometimes presents not the most pleasant surprises. Overload in the workplace, stressful situations in your own home, uncertainty about friends, work colleagues, and even tomorrow in general, it often leads to a loss of strength. It goes without saying that at such moments my soul is just scratching like cats. What to do in such turbulent times?

What will help relieve stress?

Many people, finding themselves victims of unexpected pressure, try to seek, if not oblivion, then recharge, in the regular use of various stimulants. Moreover, some of them begin to support themselves with relatively safe energy drinks, and end their lives as avid drug addicts.

Even our favorite tea is one of these energy drinks. It is known that tea can lift your spirits for no apparent reason. However, over time, this can lead to true chemical dependence. Therefore, it is much better to relieve stress by remembering and using cool expressions for any occasion.

Will humor and jokes help cope with stress?

Jokes and gags that are appropriate to the situation can improve your mood and relieve stress without any additional chemical doping. It is for this reason that the article is devoted to humorous expressions applicable in a wide variety of life situations .

By reading it, you will not only improve your mood here and now. By remembering some of these expressions, you can cheer yourself up whenever the need arises. Moreover, such a beneficial effect will have virtually no side effects.

The main thing here is not to overdo it when communicating with people who do not understand humor. After all, some can condemn even the most innocent joke, and light sarcasm for them is like a personal insult!

When can funny expressions about life be used in speech?

If you can't change the situation, change your attitude towards it. This is what education is all about positive traits character that helps you go through life easier, quickly find new friends and help old ones. Cool expressions filled with subtle humor will help defuse the situation in almost any situation. They can be used both when something went wrong and when the heart is filled with joy. The most important thing is that the interlocutor is on the same emotional wavelength with you. If this condition is met, neither you nor your listeners will be bored.

Examples of the coolest expressions about family life

In this block you will find the most famous funny expressions that can be used when communicating with family members. It is especially recommended to study this block male half: Don't forget that women love witty people. Introducing our TOP 10:

Marital ties are a difficult matter, so they are usually carried out by two people, and sometimes by three people.
Lover from his first marriage.
A woman’s naivety: even watching porn films, she hopes that sex will end in marriage.
A declaration of love is like a signal of the exact time. It is only true the minute it is uttered.
My trembling half.
You and I are of the same blood - you are Chuk, I am Gek.
When it’s raining and sad outside, nag your husband - create an atmosphere of comfort.
It's better to be jealous of a woman's stove than her computer.
My children are concerned about where everything came from, and I am concerned about where everything went.
Happiness is when the desired moments coincide with the inevitable ones.
A strong marriage is a humble husband and wife who treats him like a king.

Cool expressions on vacation

To fill your holiday with smiles and fun, you can use almost any jokes and gags. The most suitable ones would be funny expressions from films. If none come to mind, remember something from the following TOP:

One drop of nicotine will kill a horse, three hundred can kill
A quickly drunk glass cannot be considered full.
Today you don’t drink with us, but tomorrow you will betray your Motherland.
Eat, be full, dear guests. If you have completely lost your conscience, then you can come tomorrow.
WITH smart people It's nice to talk, but hard to work.
My life is passing away so quickly, as if she is no longer interested in me.
There are no ugly women - there are underfunded ones.
To make a woman happy, sometimes allow her to do nothing.
A person who values life will not distort it with dirty thoughts.
Monogamous will make only one person unhappy.

and expressions appropriate in line to see a doctor

Are you going to see the doctor again? Don't despair! Our coolest expressions, presented in the following TOP, can make a visit to the doctor easy and fun:

Visit the website of the dental clinic - www.zubov.net.
One head is already good, but the body will also come in handy.
The patient refused an autopsy, so the doctor was forced to treat him.
The doctor cannot prolong life, so he prolongs the disease.
The doctor asks the patient with a knife in his back: “Are you in a lot of pain?” - No, it only gets unpleasant when I laugh.
Medicines are so expensive that as long as you earn money on them, time will heal.
New version of the Hippocratic oath: only upon presentation of an insurance policy...
This is what our Predictionmus suffered.
The more free the healthcare is, the more expensive the medicines.
It was a beautiful leg... Give me the second one!

Cool expressions to use during a quarrel

Of course, quarrels are not the most pleasant thing. But even they can be made less painful if you learn to “send away” people you don’t like more or less beautifully. Below is the next TOP, in which you will find expressions with meaning, funny insults cultured people:

How much will the principles be on your exchange today?
Of course, everyone wants to be honest... But they want to be rich more.
Yes, it’s high time to weed your head.
Grunting is new sign consent!
There are simply no unbearable people, there are only narrow doors.
Who made such a face at you?
Let it be rubbish. But take as much as you want!
I noticed by your alarm clock’s face that you’re getting ready to ring again.
There is no need to stage thoughts here.
And I don’t want to live, and I’m too lazy to shoot myself.

Cool expressions about gray everyday life

Cool expressions about life are an opportunity to brighten up gray everyday life. Want to see this for yourself? Read the following TOP:

Soon they will start imprisoning all the malicious bribe defaulters.
Don't smile at me like a tax inspector.
I'm having more and more prophetic nightmares.
To be completely happy, I want to survive.
The 112 service received another call. The rescuers were upset, but decided not to pick up the phone.
If a bald spot is a path trampled by thoughts, then I am the most thinking person!
Even New Year someone hates. Well, for example, Christmas trees.
To eat so much, you will have to eat.
If you are always surrounded by fools, then you are the most important of them.
I’d rather be covered in sweat seven times than frost once.

Cool expressions used instead of insults

There are people to whom you can explain it 1000 times, repeat it - it’s all useless! However, even in this case, you should not despair and be sad. After all, cool expressions for communicating with an unpleasant interlocutor can be suitable in slippery situations. Communication with “especially gifted” people is no exception. To find out how to point out to such people the stupidity of their situation, remember a few expressions from the following TOP:

Sewerage is the only thing that can unite you and me.
I see you are smart! I see that the skull is too tight. I can fix it.
Smile wider, the boss needs more idiots.
Don't make me nervous! I already have nowhere to hide corpses!
There is only one hero. When there are many heroes, they are called hooligans.
I see that soon someone will get away with a slight fright.
You won't have to wait long for a warning shot to the head.
Be careful, take care of yourself, don't let your brain think.
If I get up I'm afraid nuclear war will ruin such a wonderful day for you.
More and more often I feel an irresistible desire to obscenely admire your behavior.

Cool expressions to help you admit your mistake

Oddly enough, funny ones can smooth out the situation when you don’t want to laugh at all. One of these situations is the need to admit your own mistakes. To find out what you can say in such an inconvenient case, check out the next TOP:

The source of my wisdom is my experience. The source of my experience is my stupidity.
There are people who don’t make mistakes, which means they are simply afraid to act.
Our delusions will die before us, so there is no need to make a mummy out of them.
Experience is a thing that you get instead of what you wanted.
Experience is a thing that appears immediately after it was needed.
I won’t try to explain anything in between slaps. And it will turn out unclear, and you will have to repeat it.
Why commit the sin of despondency because of mistakes when there are plenty of more pleasant sins around!
Today I am quieter than water and funnier than grass.
And yet, I didn’t manage to break all the decency today.
Wisdom is not about not making mistakes, but about not repeating them.

Descriptions of news and other recent events

Watching the news these days can be just as stressful as talking to an angry boss. Our final TOP “Cool idioms about modern life":

On election day, people cast ballots.
Also say that Lenin was a skinhead!
The main thing is to win. After all, the winners will not be imprisoned.
Walking at night is the easiest way to commit suicide.
Debauchery is any sex in which you are not involved.
The longer I think, the more convinced I am that Eve not only ate the forbidden apple, but also made a fashionable bag out of the poor Snake.
If I'm on a plane, I'll choose a seat in the front. If the plane crashes, the beer cart will pass by me again! At least I'll get drunk before I die.
It seems that rare steaks of the second group will soon become the most common dish.
Driver, beware of places where children can suddenly jump out!
Psychoanalysis is the brain's efforts to obtain pleasure intended for another organ.

A little more about the benefits and expressions in everyday life

If an article on the topic “Cool expressions for any occasion” will motivate at least someone not to resort to various chemical doping just to cope with negative impact stress, which means it was not written in vain.

Of course, constant stress is an unpleasant thing, but you can and should learn to cope with it without medication. Is it difficult? Not really. It will be difficult only at the very beginning. These difficulties can especially affect those who have already become dependent on some chemical substances.

If we're talking about about drug addiction or advanced alcoholism, in order to overcome the addiction, you will most likely have to consult a narcologist.

However, most readers do not fall into this demographic. This means you can train your own mind to successfully cope with stress. To achieve this goal without serious difficulties, you need to learn how to switch from what upsets you to the exact opposite moments. It won't be long before you notice that achieving this goal is not difficult at all. The main thing here is not to let yourself get wound up!

After all, if someone from your environment behaves rudely, it is his problem, not yours. Why waste your energy on other people's problems? And even if you were wrong: what will the hassle and bitter tears give? Isn't it better to just draw the right conclusions and not repeat past missteps and mistakes?

The media will rain down a barrage of negative news on us in an endless stream. And what does this give? Will there be fewer wars? Will planes stop crashing? All drivers and pedestrians will learn to follow the rules traffic? Unfortunately, all these questions can be considered rhetorical. Therefore, you still shouldn’t worry too much about everything that the media brings down on us. Let's live in harmony with our nervous system. And constant stress has never prolonged anyone’s health!

Therefore, the only thing that can really help us is the correct attitude towards everything that happens both in the world around us and directly in our lives. It is easier to endure any difficulties in a calm state of mind. And the best helpers in the constant fight against stress, apathy, depression and constant fear are ourselves. The ability to control your own consciousness, to have cool phrases and expressions in stock is one of the types of positive survival.

Continue to look at your life with a smile, endure difficulties with a cool head and notice the positive aspects in any situation. And most importantly - stop worrying about trifles! Life loves those who take it easy! And then everything in your life will be just wonderful!

From time to time, each of us needs to hear cheerful words to smile. Therefore, in search Have a good mood, we resort to various collections of cool expressions and phrases. When you are cheerful, the whole world smiles back at you.

New cool expressions and funny phrases to cheer you up

People want a good life, but they always give them a fun one.
Things are never as good with money as they are bad without them.
I found my place in life, but it’s occupied...
Just because you did everything right doesn't mean everything will be fine for you.
Real loneliness is when you talk to yourself all night and no one understands you.
The Minister of Finance sincerely believed that money does not buy happiness.
Study, study and study again, because you still won’t find a job!
They lived happily ever after until they learned that others lived longer and happier lives.
Life is divided into two stages - first there is no mind, then there is no health.
Smoking is harmful, drinking is disgusting, and it is a pity to die healthy.
Very often you learn about the best moments of life from eyewitnesses.
They learn from mistakes, and after mistakes they heal.
Army Canapes Recipe: Simply place a piece of bread on top of another piece of bread.
Money comes and goes and goes and goes...
Once you find your soulmate, other soulmates start wandering around and make you doubt.
Not everyone who comes out into public manages to remain human.
Clicked the mouse...
Classics are a type of literature that people prefer to praise rather than read.
When a person begins to consider himself wiser, he stops becoming wiser.
When appointing a martyr, the consent of the applicant is not required.
They don’t believe in rheumatism or love until the first attack.
This world is strange, where two people look at the same thing, but see the exact opposite.
We would care less about what others think of us if we knew how little they think of us at all.
Only after experiencing the dark everyday life do you begin to appreciate the gray ones.
Don't force your happiness on me, I have my own!
What could you wish for so as not to envy you later?
It's good that you are accepted as one of their own. It's bad that it's in a pigsty.
Sometimes you don’t want to suffer foolishly, but can you really refuse her?
Fair man who dreams of becoming a politician must remember that reverse reincarnation is, in principle, impossible.
Human rights end where the rights of the stronger person begin.
In the life of a real programmer there is only room for two females: Asya and Klava. Well, apart from my mother.
I don't regret the past, I'm sad about the future that died in it.
Do you want sweet dreams? - Fall asleep in the cake!
If you are harnessed, then don’t expect any more carrots.
What roof doesn't like driving fast?
A bogatyr is someone who steals from the rich?
The quality of a miracle is easy to determine: even eyewitnesses do not believe in a real miracle.
When you begin to delve into the essence of any sale, you remember that in Russian the words “discount” and “throw” have the same root.
Previously, court jesters rang bells, but now they use special signals.
If sport were as useful as we are told, then there would be five Jews hanging on each horizontal bar.
If you see only the good in everything, then you won’t change anything for the better.
All men are the same, only their salaries are different.
If a woman tries to preserve her virginity before marriage, she has many chances to maintain it until retirement.
He knew how to do everything... True, he couldn’t do anything.
Everything would be fine, but this nothing is too much.
Became a vegetarian - switched to weed...
If people constantly laugh at you, it means you bring joy to people.
Every person has exactly as much vanity as he lacks intelligence.
A lot changes in Russia in five years, almost nothing changes in two hundred years.
Attractive women distracted.
Forecasters, like sappers, make only one mistake.
But every day.
What date is May Day?
God, I'm a cow.
Smoking warns: the Ministry of Health is a sneak.
If you catch a mouse, eat slowly.
If your armpit smells, change the rug.
Do you fly in your dreams? Sleep at home.
If it weren't for my legs, I wouldn't be here.
The height of freedom is round dances.
Don't dance, I'll get more.
If everything is beautiful in a person, it means that this is not our person!
Baldness is the process of replacing combing with washing.
Today we drink dry wine! Pour it in!
An ideal marriage: she plays first fiddle, and he doesn’t care (E. Kashcheev)
If money doesn’t make you happy, then it’s not yours.
In Russia, the people have not yet said their word, but it is already written on the fence...
A person has either a sense of humor or schadenfreude.
Each pioneer must hand over 15 kg of waste paper to the state and two who do not hand over.
While I was not serving, I slept peacefully, I knew that they were guarding me. During the service, he slept poorly and was guarded. After the service I don’t sleep at all... I know who’s guarding
It is indecent to show up to an organized drinking party in person disorganizedly drunk!
The slower the train goes, the wider the expanses of our Motherland.
Never have books emitted so much light as in the fires of the Inquisition.
If it were not for sclerosis, I would constantly think about my people.
Scientists have found that the most clear language on Earth - Chinese. 1.5 billion people understand it.
The small is a well-nibbled big.
Physics has been canceled in Estonian schools so as not to traumatize children with the concept of “speed”.
Be sure to write aphorisms - they will make your therapist’s work easier...
Our monastery asked the Holy Synod whether it is possible to pray while smoking, and they told us - it is possible! Since then, our monks have been smoking during prayer...
A man is a homing system.
Only until the end of the month! Everyone who buys a satellite dish will receive a satellite spoon and a satellite plug as a gift!
source -http://www.umorina.od.ua

As one comedian put it, you need to be able to laugh at yourself, and why not smile at the funny statements of other people. Laughter is important for human health and morale. It prolongs life, promotes a positive perception of events, and shows that you definitely shouldn’t be discouraged in any situation. Let's dive into the whole list funny sayings, which may be useful for expanding your vocabulary.

Sometimes one short sentence can lift your mood for the whole day. The most funny phrases a person often pronounces without thinking. That's why they turn out to be incredibly funny.

Here are ten phrases that can make you smile and make you think.

The son of an avid poker player cannot understand whether his father loves him or not.
A small group of smart climbers have circumnavigated Mount Everest. – It’s not for nothing that they say that a smart person doesn’t go uphill.
Recently my wife said: “We are not close enough for me to weigh myself in front of you!”
Wisdom does not always come with age; sometimes old age comes alone.

When a compliment doesn’t make you happy: “Darling, there is no woman better than you! Yesterday I was convinced of this again!”
Modern world: There is no more tragic story in the world than the one about the lost Internet.
A little about education: a diploma allows you to make mistakes much more confidently.
An optimist is confident that he lives in the best of all worlds. The pessimist is afraid that this is true. – What does a realist do?

Born yourself - help another. – A very effective motto of China.
Don't be afraid to do what you don't know how to do. The main thing to remember is that the ark was built by an amateur, while professionals built the Titanic.

Funny phrases from movies

A great way to cheer up is to watch a good movie. Let's remember the funny moments from Soviet and other films.

Here I am walking beautifully along the street, and the men around me are falling and falling... And they themselves are stacked in piles! (Film “Girls”).

Either aristocrats or degenerates drink champagne in the morning! ("The Diamond Arm").
If a woman asks for something, you must give it to her. Otherwise she will take it herself. (“The Man from the Boulevard des Capucines”).

Make a mysterious face, fool! ("Dog's heart").
Well, citizens are alcoholics, hooligans, parasites... Who wants to work today? (“Operation Y and other adventures of Shurik”).

I have no time to look after. You are attractive, I am damn attractive. Why waste time? I'm waiting at midnight. (“An Ordinary Miracle”).
- How did you end up in the Spanish monastery?
- I took it for a brothel. Easy to confuse. ("Pirates of the Caribbean").

You dream of playing as a striker, but they use you as a ball. ("Taxi")
- If I were your wife, I would leave too. - If you were my wife, I would hang myself! (“Ivan Vasilyevich is changing his profession”).

- Who writes? - Anonymous. - God gave me a surname. (“Queen of the Gas Station”)

Funny phrases to cheer you up

The main thing is to maintain a positive attitude. Here are a few phrases that will come in handy at a time when the mood does not want to rise at all, people only upset, things fall, and wages do not grow.

A little philosophy: The attitude towards others depends greatly on why they surrounded you.
We describe our state correctly: I’m in such a good mood today that I can’t say it in a fairy tale or formulate it with obscenities.
Who said that laziness cannot be combined with a rebellious spirit: I lie on the couch all day and nothing can stop me, because I have no brakes!

Always go towards your dreams. Tired of walking? Then crawl. No strength to crawl? Feel free to lie down and lie in the direction of your dreams.
Why did you decide that I am vindictive? I have a very bad memory, I have to write everything down.
There is an opinion that Orange color can improve your mood. Tip: Scatter five thousand dollar bills throughout the house. Great mood guaranteed!
I came to work in no mood. She ruined it for everyone. I sit and smile.

When even a vacation in the garden is perceived with humor: And everywhere I went. I didn’t go to the Maldives, I didn’t go to Cyprus, I didn’t even go to Greece. I'm thinking about where to go this year.
Everyone has a hobby. Some people collect stamps, others collect ship models. My husband has been assembling a wardrobe from Ikea for three years.
Even if I fall face first into the mud, it will be healing.

Funny phrases for conversation

Let's expand our vocabulary with funny expressions.

I was about to leave, but then they poured it again.– There is always a reason to stay.
We don’t need someone else’s, but we will definitely take ours, no matter whose it is.– How to stupefy your interlocutor.
I would look at you forever - through an optical sight.- But sincerely and sincerely.
I don't know how it should be, but you're doing it wrong. – A very relevant phrase.
Being bitten by mosquitoes, he fell into the sin of foul language.- A witty explanation.
I'm not slow - I just think smoothly.- Not a bad excuse
Why do I need a waist? I'm married now.- Really.
Tell me, should I help you or not interfere?
If your conscience torments you at night, try sleeping during the day.

Hitting on girls funny phrases

Girl, help me. I bought pasta, but I have no idea what to do with it (if I answered with advice, then I add: “Can I always consult with you?”).
Girl, how much is your smile worth? I would love to buy one!
Would you like me to give you a ride on the escalator?
You obviously don't like men. To be honest, me too.

What do you think a nice man should say to a nice girl when he meets him on the street, so as not to be rejected?
I have amnesia - haven’t I approached you yet?
Can you tell me what time it is? My watch suddenly went backwards.
I collect signatures of the cutest girls. Could you put yours?
Pretends to pick up a bill from the floor. “Girl, is this yours? Not yours? It turns out I found it! Maybe we can drink it together?”
A man walks past the girl, then turns sharply and asks: “Didn’t you just pinch me?.. No?.. It’s a pity...”

Funny catchphrases

Phrases said precisely to the point can help you get ready and lift your spirits even in the most exciting moment. Some words describe what is happening so vividly that you want to include them in your vocabulary and delight people with the sharpness of your own expressions.

Phrases from the resilient actress Faina Ranevskaya:

“If a patient wants to live, then medicine is powerless”
“Loneliness is when there is a telephone in the house and the alarm clock rings”
“Sclerosis cannot be cured, but it can be forgotten.”

What are V.S.’s performances worth? Chernomyrdin, who created new themes for parodists:

“We will live badly, but not for long.”

Chaplin on women:

“A woman can make any billionaire man a millionaire.”

Mikhail Zadornov about life:

“The most harmful thing is life. Everyone dies from it."
“They lived happily ever after until they met each other!”

Mark Twain on important matters:

“Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.”

From the film “Moscow Doesn’t Believe in Tears”

“Sometimes you hear such nonsense, but it turns out to be a point of view”
“Don’t teach me, better help me financially.”

Funny phrases of children

Children are spontaneous, open to everything new, they have a vivid imagination, which sometimes surprises adults. Small child and older children easily find a non-standard answer in any situation, and their philosophical thoughts make them not only smile, but also think.

How to ask for what you really want:

- Ma-a-am, I’m thirsty. Just not milk... and not tea... Compote. Or juice. Or better yet, chocolate!

Children's friendship:

I ask my five-year-old son:
- Dima, do you have a friend Vova?
- Yes.
- Doesn’t he offend anyone in kindergarten?
- Mom, we offend together. We're best friends!

- Mom, can I go for a walk?
- With this hole in the tights?
- No, with Svetka from the third floor.

Cunning:

- Mom, let's get a brother or sister. Dad won’t even notice, he’s always at work anyway.

Children need to be surprised:

My daughter got stuck to the rattles in the store.
Mother says:
- Let's go to another department. Maybe there is something more interesting there.
The daughter answers:
- Okay, surprise me.

From Unified State Exam essays in social studies:

If you can’t live in society, the only thing left to do is live with a girl.

When a child asks smart questions:

“Mom, why did you teach me to talk and walk, and now you make me sit silently?”

Excerpts from essays on Russian language and literature:

“He lived with the horse for twenty years...”
“At first the geese swam smoothly, and then they began to make movements under the lambada. This is the last dance."
“Today’s marriages are like the union of a tick and a dog. But the situation is worsened by the fact that usually there are two ticks and not a single dog in a marriage.”

Funny short birthday phrases

Toasts are often made on birthdays. Long toasts are not always perceived by ear, especially if they are too serious. Therefore, you can please your guests with funny short toasts and wishes.

Let's drink to your coffin, dear friend. A coffin that will be made from a hundred-year-old oak tree that has not yet been planted.
In ancient times, or not very long ago. or maybe it was a long time ago. Okay... Lived... or maybe lived... Doesn't matter! Let's drink to the birthday boy!
A little arithmetic: a dacha is “0”, a car and a garage are “0”, an apartment is “0”, money is “0”, health is “1”. Let's drink to the fact that the life of our birthday boy will consist of one unit and then many, many zeros.
Nature in each of the people rises either as grains or as weeds. This toast is for watering the first and tearing out the second. Let's drink, friends, to the birthday boy who managed to grow a beautiful garden within himself!
D Let's drink to the hadron collider, and to the fact that in an hour no one will be able to utter this word.
There is no need to run after a woman like a runaway bus. Remember that the next bus is behind you.
Let's drink to ensuring that buses run as often as possible!
A streak of failure often turns out to be an upswing.
Here's to our joyful prospects on this runway!
Let's drink so that you have everything and you have nothing for it!
Dear friend, I wish that you always have light heart and heavy pockets!

Funny phrases of wishes

I wish your whole life to be dirty and dark...
Let the money be like dirt, and happiness makes your eyes darken.
Buddy,
Remember, we will always come to your rescue...
And the more revenue, the better!

I wish you to have everything in this life: both expected pleasures and pleasant surprises!

Today is your birthday,
This means you need to have a blast!
After all, you will have a whole year,
To have time to recover a little!

You say “hello” to me!
And I say “hello!” to you.
It’s great that we both say hello!

Congratulations, my “old stick”! I wish you incredible fun, love without boundaries and health like a horse!

I really want to wish you modest life. For a car without a roof, only old wine, and blue cheese.

Congratulations! Live without enemies and without horns, have success and dreams without interference.

Friend, on your holiday I feel like a Bedouin in the desert who has not seen water... I really want to drink!

Let's drink to the birthday girl, in whose honor such wonderful, cheerful, worthy and modest people like us have gathered!

Funny phrases from cartoons

And now funny phrases from your favorite cartoon characters.

“Where it’s flabby, there’s tenderness!” (Kung Fu Panda)

Good advice: “Never say: “I was mistaken,” rather say, “Wow, how interesting it turned out!” ( glacial period)

- So where is this damn creature?
- Inside. Waiting for us to save her.
- No, I'm talking about the dragon (Shrek)

– As they say – leave your ass in the past!
- No, leave the past behind you! (Timon and Pumbaa)

“If the cabin depressurizes, put on an oxygen mask so that other passengers do not see the horror on your face...” (Madagascar)

“You made me dress up as a modest rabbit, and chose a bright and beautiful suit for yourself. This is not comradely" (Kopatych from the cartoon "Smeshariki")

“Well, who leaves a child alone at the skating rink? what if I break and fall” (Masha and the Bear).

- Mr. Krabs, but I had a dream!
- So what? And I had kidney stones. Time heals everything, my boy (SpongeBob).

“Who, for example, is the ultimate king here? No one? So I’ll be the first!” (Last year's snow fell)

“The right company is the kind of company where they will treat me to something and listen to my Grumpy with pleasure.” (Winnie the Pooh)

Odessa funny phrases

Learn to joke sparklingly when communicating and always find a witty answer to any question - great art. Odessa humor is distinguished by its uniqueness and the fact that it is born precisely in the course of conversations. That's why it's so lively and diverse. Let's look at the humor in the dialogues of Odessa residents, who can incredibly quickly find original answers to any questions.

Self-irony:
- Faina, describe your appearance.
- You can get used to it...

- Syoma, do you love your wife?
- Certainly! Why is she worse than others?
The main thing is persistence:
- Syoma, do you believe in love at first sight, or should I go through it again?
A reminder in the toilet in one Jewish family: “Don’t just sit there, think about something.”
Marriage:
- Do you agree to take Faina as your wife?
- Do you have better options?
“God protects those who are careful,” thought the bride when he ran out of paste in his pen during the marriage registration.
Grandma really liked Skype.
- No, just look at what useful thing! It’s like there are guests, but there’s no need to feed them.

- Darling, you and I have only been married for the first day, and we’re already about to quarrel...
- I’ve been waiting for this day for two years!
- Benya, I still promise you that in six years we will live better than in this Europe!
- Why will this happen to them?

A little Odessa hospitality:
- Oh, dears, come again! It’s so good without you later!

Funny phrases in pictures

Funny phrases for a guy

To please your beloved one, you can send him a funny message. Let's see what girls write to their husbands and fiancés.

Dear, I don’t know how to tell you this...So, I took a test today...and it turns out we are a perfect match!
I want you and me to have more in common. Let's get a kitten!
Yesterday I accidentally caught the bride's bouquet. Is there something you want to tell me?
Dear, I’m late because I’ve been looking for my broom for a long time.
Don't be afraid of your desires, be afraid of mine!
You are a treacherous homewrecker, why did you break up the couple? I can't find my second sock.
Please help me find information! Look on the Internet how to tell your loved one that I scratched the car and still get a new phone for his birthday.
She parked the horse, defeated the monster and cooked it for dinner. I'm sitting and waiting for you, my prince!
Darling! The girls and I decided to have a drink. I will definitely call. Don't pick up the phone.
Darling, I am incredibly happy for you! After all, you married so well.

Funny phrases with meaning

Phrases that not only sound funny, but are also fraught with meaning certain meaning and life's truth.

Attention! On a slippery porch, the number of cultured people is halved!
The genius is sleeping soundly within me. But a fool never sleeps!
In order not to accidentally call his wife by the name of his mistress Anastasia, the husband took the cat and named it Nastya.
Wife: Let's buy a car, I'll learn to drive, at least we'll see the world! Husband: which light - this one or that one?
Sappers do not understand the phrase: we must learn from our mistakes.
Wife to husband: I'm not going to accept you for who you are. I'm not a military registration and enlistment office!
Why do I look great in the mirror, but the camera shows the opposite?
Money is not the main thing. The main thing is their quantity.
How to get a girl to like you: you need to be strong, handsome, rich or just a cat.
About the alcoholic feast: at first it was good, then even better, then so good that it’s still bad!

Funny phrases with names

Funny phrases for girls

These phrases can not only make a girl smile, but also tease her. They should be used with caution.

Girl, you have very beautiful legs! One is more beautiful than the other.
I want to invite you to dinner and breakfast at the same time.
You are so beautiful that it’s scary to look at!
Girl, do you believe in love with the first person you meet? I'm ready to be him.
Can you help me go left? (Dangerous phrase when dating).
In the bus:
I can’t reach the handrail, I’ll hold on to you.
In the elevator:
Girl, aren't you scared of being stuck in an elevator with a maniac like me?
You have a very predatory look, you are probably hungry.
You are so beautiful that you don't need makeup. Leave it a little though.
You believe in love at first sight. No? Perhaps I'll come by again.

Funny phrases that will make you cry

Relevant for online correspondence:
Write a little louder, I can't hear you here.
Great people lived so little! Something is not going well with me today.
I'm ready to do anything for money. Even go to work.
My wife is very good. Others are even worse.
So much has been written about the dangers of smoking that I firmly decided not to read any more.
Optimism is just a lack of information.
I tried to drown my problems in cognac, but they surfaced.
The girl decided to take revenge on the guy and married him.
A first grade student came to Christmas tree dressed as a squirrel, which greatly frightened the guard Mikhail.
The tale of the sleeping beauty once again shows that there is always a person who will wake you up.

Funny phrases that rhyme

Funny phrases about work

Even work should be taken with humor. Here are a few phrases that can cheer up colleagues in the middle of the work week.

I almost live at work. And wages are only decreasing. Probably deducted for accommodation.

I love working in a team. It's easy to blame others.

Funny phrases about women

Finally, funny and wise expressions about the fair half of humanity.

If a girl suddenly becomes silent, it means she wants to say something.
You can't trust a woman who doesn't hide her weight. She won't hesitate to say anything.
The smarter a woman is, the more stupid things she does.
A man chases a woman for so long until she catches him herself.
You can interrupt a woman with impunity only with a compliment.
If men knew what women were thinking, they would behave more confidently.
Real men always achieve what women want from them.
Women forgive their men, even if they are not to blame for anything.
Women still know how to keep secrets. However, they do it together.
A girl can tell her friend for several hours that she has no words.