How to end a relationship with a man? “We have no future, but I can’t let it go”: the story of our reader

Today we are publishing the first story that came to our editorial office in response to to find a solution.

The heroine, who wished to remain anonymous, shared with us the experience of a long and difficult relationship with a man who does not hold and does not let go.

Valentina Khozhaeva will tell you what ways out of a difficult situation there are - professional psychologist, trainer personal growth, head of the School of Personality “Splash of Consciousness”.

"Good afternoon!

Four years ago, at my friend’s hairdresser, I accidentally saw a man whom I really liked. I was still married then and couldn’t even think that I would ever be close to him.

I subsequently got divorced and for a long time I was alone... There was a lot of courtship, but I didn’t want to let anyone get close to me.

And then one evening a call comes from an unfamiliar number. The caller introduced himself as “Sergey from the hairdresser.” I couldn't believe my ears! How did he find out my number?

It turned out that my friend gave it to me.

After a long conversation, he asked me to meet. I got ready within a couple of minutes and went to see him, not believing that I was doing this.

The truth of life was this: Sergei was drunk, and he just needed a “sober driver” to take him to a tavern with friends. But even this was pleasant for me...

So I carried him for about two months. He drank, rested, and I was driving. “Naive fool,” I thought to myself. But she couldn't do anything about it. Sergei was (and is) a cheerful, kind, interesting and incredibly attractive man.

Radchenko-anna.com

It turns out that he divorced his wife and started drinking. I wanted to help him in every possible way, and I felt very sorry for him. Although it was not easy for me at that moment - alone with a child after a divorce.

In general, we became just close friends. We spent every day together - he drank, I listened to him.

Sergey is very cheerful and kind. His appearance attracts the attention of many women...

After six months of our friendship, he invited me to his place. We had sex... And I fell in love completely!

We started a relationship. And, it seemed to me, serious. He often went out into nature with me and my daughter, prepared dinners for us, arranged great evenings... We often traveled abroad, had fun... He even helped me financially, although he never gave me such a banal thing as a bouquet of flowers.

Everything was so good that I turned a blind eye to a lot of things.

“A lot” - these are his friends who constantly relaxed in clubs, these are calls from women I don’t understand, this is the phone being turned off for a while, binges for a couple of days...

Over time, I got very tired of this, we began to quarrel often. He constantly lied, walked at night, was often seen with other girls... And I was just tired of this attitude towards myself.

To make it easier for me to forget him, I went to Germany for a year, fortunately there was such an opportunity.

Sergei called me on Skype every day, cried, said that he couldn’t live without me, that he missed me and loved me, that he had become different and was waiting for my return.

A year passed, and I returned... But he did not become any different. Absolutely nothing has changed in his life and behavior!

One day I couldn’t stand it and found a couple of his “girlfriends” on social networks. Yes, these were just girlfriends with whom he was on vacation. Each of them knew that he had me and that he loved me. But I’m still jealous and angry that he’s lying to me about not communicating with other women!

This summer alone I wanted to end the relationship five times. I’m tired of the fact that he is not only mine, that he constantly “hangs out” with friends, drinks and has fun.

On the other hand, I love him. He is wealthy and treats my daughter well. When we are alone, he is attentive, gentle... But as soon as one of his friends comes to visit, he begins to communicate with me in a raised voice, sometimes shouts, and may even swing his arms!..

With my brain I understand that we don’t have a future, he doesn’t strive for it... But with my heart I can’t let go of the person!

After quarrels, I only have the strength not to pick up the phone for two days, then I forgive him, and we are together again. And so it has been for three years. We swear, we make up... Several times a week!

How to let go of a person who behaves 90% of the relationship incorrectly and cruelly? Although the remaining 10% is simply necessary for me...

You, like all my friends, will advise me to break up with him, find a new relationship, but I can’t cope with myself. I pray not to think about him, I swore that I would not forgive him for many things, but I forgive him... I need him. I'm 28, he's 44..."

Psychologist's comment:

— From a psychological point of view, there is no right or wrong behavior in your situation. Whatever you get out of the relationship will be very much up to you. And now you have a lot of contradictions, which create a fountain of problems.

In order to start sorting out the situation, you need to decide what you want. “With my heart I can’t let go of a person”, “I forgive”, “a relationship that... I simply need” - in these moments it seems that you want to preserve and improve the relationship, make it such that you also feel comfortable and pleasant in it.

“How to let go of a person who behaves wrongly and cruelly?” - and here you seem to be asking about how to break up. “You, like all my friends, will advise me to break up with him” - it seems that you don’t want this again, it seems that you are capable and ready to improve the relationship.
Therefore, I will show you the pros and cons, but the decision about what you want is still up to you. And after you make a decision, the multi-year carousel will end and a new pleasant stage of your life will begin.
If you want to break up painlessly.
In this case, you should listen carefully to yourself and understand what good and pleasant things this relationship gives you. What bonuses do you receive? For now, after analyzing your letter, I’ll highlight a few points, but you should do it yourself, and you’ll probably find something else. It’s worth working on each of these points in order to learn how to receive these bonuses from other sources, then your separation will be a matter of technique, calm and comfortable.
“He is wealthy” - provide yourself with such financial conditions, which will completely satisfy you.
“Treats well with my daughter” - pay more attention to your daughter yourself, make sure that those adults who really love her are around the girl more often - grandparents, godparents, uncles and aunts.
“When we are alone, attentive, gentle” - learn to build such relationships with men in which attentiveness and tenderness will be an integral part, be that woman who is also attentive and tender and this evokes reciprocal feelings in loved ones (and, by the way, not only in men, and also among friends and parents).
Having worked through these and other bonuses, having found a way to receive it from other sources, you will no longer have emotional dependence on this man, your self-worth will rise, and you will calmly accept separation as one of the stages of your life. Moreover, after these studies you will definitely meet a man with whom you will have an attentive, gentle, pleasant relationship.

If you want to improve your relationship.

I am for maintaining relationships and building them up. There are many points in your story that show that you don't trust your man. Trust is the foundation of any relationship. And there is no point in demanding from a man “make me trust you”; trust is an internal process and depends only on the state of you as a woman.

You tell how you were convinced that he was telling you the truth, and after that you add, “but I’m still jealous and angry.” Then, perhaps, it’s not about him, but about your emotions... And no matter how much he convinces you that he loves you, you still won’t believe him, so it becomes easier to tell you that he doesn’t communicate with women at all than to explain, that he had nothing to do with them. When reasonable arguments go unheard, unfortunately, a time of silence begins, when it is easier not to say than to explain once again. But if you trusted your man, he would tell you where, with whom, make sure that you were calm about this, and at least in this matter you would be calm.

And now a little about what to do with it. There are two points here, both of which are worth implementing so that the relationship changes and is never the same again, but brings joy and pleasure to both of you. First, let's decide which of the men you are actually still angry with, who betrayed you and whom you still cannot forgive. As we saw from your story, this man did not betray you, but you still don’t believe him, which means the situation happened before you met him. When you find who your anger, jealousy and mistrust really relate to, then many questions about this man will disappear by themselves. Your behavior will change, and, accordingly, his behavior will change, psychological climate your relationship, the mood will be good. The second point is that you have to learn to respect, trust and take care of this man. This cannot be said in a few words. Start by simply believing his words, believing in the feelings he tells you about, believing in what he wants from your relationship as he sees it in a year or two.

In a good way, the issue with the one from whom you have distrust of men should be resolved as soon as possible. Meet, for example, with that person and, without undue modesty, tell him everything you think about him. This could be a lifeline for your current relationship.
These are the two ways I am ready to show you based on your letter. Your happiness is entirely up to you. If you think that happiness is possible with this person, then the solution will be one, if happiness is possible only without him, then another. Whatever decision you make now will be the best one and will open up new opportunities for you. And you will learn everything that is necessary, that’s why you are an active, purposeful woman. Such women always come to happiness!

What do you think about the story of our heroine? Have similar situations happened to you?

I'm 20 years old, my boyfriend is 43! We've been together for almost 3 years. I know that he loves me deeply, but I don’t think we have a future. We live in a civil marriage, and I completely depend on him: in many ways he is like a friend to me, like a father. What should I do? I'm just now starting to realize that I'm still 20 years old and I'll want to start a family with someone. But I can’t give up everything, leave him. And I want to change something urgently!!! I know you will say, do what your heart desires. But still, I really hope for a bright thought, a hint, a new vision of my situation. Thank you. (Anna, Ukraine, 20 years old)

Anna,
Ukraine, 20 years old
24.01.06

Our experts' opinions

• ALYONA:

  No, I can’t say for sure about the heart, because... what is written does not come from the heart, but from the mind, or rather, from an attempt to be rational. I think that if you’ve started to think about it so much that you’re already asking for advice, then it’s really time to change something. Or someone. The problem, as far as I understand, is not your feelings for your current man, but your dependence on him in everything. In this context, your words “but I can’t give up everything” are quite understandable. Naturally, not everyone can give up a wealthy life. But the problem is that you have already mentally begun to abandon the person. It's just a matter of little things - are you ready to give up material security, which is a consequence of this misalliance... Having lived for more than 7 years in a civil marriage, I often get confused when filling out special forms where I need to indicate Family status, and automatically check the “married” box instead of “divorced”. This is my personal feeling of my family status. If, after living with a man for several years, you do not call you “family”, and you admit to yourself that you may well want to “start a family with someone” (that is, not with the one you are with now), then you have you really have no future. First of all, because you don’t want it yourself. My advice is leave now. Do not take this relationship to the limit, when it will be very painful to break and the break itself may turn out to be very ugly. Imagine the picture of your departure when you meet the one with whom you want to connect your life. Who will you be in the eyes of the one who has become your friend, father, and lover? So, it’s better to decide for yourself now - with him or without him. In addition, it is easier for men to accept leaving than betrayal. “I don’t love you as a man anymore” and “I found a man better than you” are two very different things.

• SERGEY:

  Well, you most likely won’t have a future together. Judging by the question, there is too much of a gap between you. Not in years. In my head. A 43-year-old man can afford to call his younger companion a girl, it’s more of a compliment, but a 20-year-old girl calling a 43-year-old man “boyfriend” clearly does not understand what is happening around her. I don't know the history of your relationship, but let me open your eyes. At the age of 40, a man does not fall deeply in love with young girls. This is nonsense. By this age, there is usually too much history hanging on one’s shoulders and too much has been experienced to experience romantic love. Feelings are experienced, of course, but far from student romantic ones. I know examples of such connections, and everywhere, calculation rather than romance comes first. Most often, a man wants to have a young girl next to him in order to confirm his status: “If young girls love me, I still mean something.” It's nonsense, of course, but it is what it is. You can love a twenty-year-old woman at this age, but only if she is wise enough. An age difference between partners is not that uncommon. But if a woman 25-30 years old, pushed around in marriages, “fed up” with uncertain relationships, who has already understood what this world is worth, connects her life with a 45-50-year-old accomplished man, this is still understandable. But what, besides immaturity, can make 17 year old girl live with a 40 year old dad? It is clear that you, like a real female, are looking for the most fit, wealthy, and adapted to this life male. Well, look for your health. Since the current one has become a bit old, I recommend paying attention to his surroundings. Most likely, your current “old man” is engaged in business, and, for sure, there are active young guys nearby, partners in this business. Here are the candidates for “I want to change something urgently.” Seize the moment. How do you like this advice? Bright thought.

The ability to end a relationship is one of the skills needed by a modern woman.

100 years ago, the ability to end a relationship with a man was practically not required - if a guy and a girl liked each other, they immediately got married and started living together, and then did not get divorced. If courtship reached the stage of intimacy, the guy was morally obliged to marry. Until the middle of the last century, even schools were separate for boys and girls.

Today the situation is developing differently. Already at school, girls begin to communicate with boys and create couples. Sometimes this communication is innocent, but quite often teenage friendship turns into sexual intercourse. Regardless of what you think about it, whether you approve or not (I, of course, would like my daughter to preserve her innocence longer), this is the reality of today's life.

Therefore, from a young age, girls need the ability to end relationships (with or without intimacy).

Why is it important to end a relationship that has no future?

The longer you are in a relationship that has become a burden, the sadder your life will be. You might even get depressed. The same thing if you understand that your partner has stopped loving you and no longer wants to be with you, but for some reason does not tell you about it. In such a situation, if there are no children together, the sooner you separate, the better for both of you.

To be in a relationship where you are not in love with the person or he does not love you is robbing yourself. You could spend this time with the person you love and who adores you, perhaps get married, have a child, set up your own home. Both you and the man deserve to be with someone you want to be with.

How to understand that a relationship has no future

Ask yourself:

• If I were choosing a partner today, would I choose the same person?

Very often, when I ask women this question, they answer without thinking: of course not!

When you ask divorced people if they think they made the decision to separate too late, most people say yes. The length of time it took for them to end the relationship usually varies from 3 to 7 years.

That is, for 3-7 years people live unhappy, suffering and irritated in communication with their partner. They knew for years that the relationship had no future, but were afraid to end it. Is it worth torturing yourself?

Give yourself 1 week to think about it for every full or partial year you spend together. During this time, try not to quarrel, swear, talk less and listen more. If a conflict arises, simply remain silent and give your partner the opportunity to speak. Don't respond to his accusations, say that you have nothing to say in this moment. If, after the allotted time, you still feel that the relationship has no future, it may be time to end it.

How to end a relationship with a man peacefully

Naturally, the right path depends on the duration of the relationship, the presence of children, living separately or together.

(If there are children in the family, it is worth discussing this issue with your mother, since separation will affect all family members. Remember that you are connected with the father of your children forever and your psyche and future depend on how you separate family relationships your children. Planning a divorce is different from trying to end a relationship with a man with whom you are not related.)

If you don't live together, just disappear for 1-2 days, turn off your phone and don't respond to SMS. If you live together, you can do the same by going to visit your mother or friend for a few days. If you see that a man is very worried (according to the texts of his messages and the number of calls), then answer once, but briefly, that everything is fine with you. The goal here is to change the usual order of communication in order to create a platform for serious conversations, which men terribly dislike and usually avoid.

Your man will become worried and will already know something is going on. After this, you can organize a conversation in which you say something like the following: I’ve been thinking about this for several weeks, but now I’ve given myself time to think carefully and decided that I can’t give you what you need, and I don’t see the point in the continuation of our relationship. You are a good guy, wonderful person, but I don’t have the same feelings for you that I had at the beginning. It’s very hard for me to tell you this and I really struggled with how to say it all, but I realized that you deserve more, you deserve to have a girl who truly loves you.

Here (or earlier) he will ask: are you leaving me?

Reply: yes, I think we should break up.

Then listen carefully to what he has to say, don’t argue, don’t cry, don’t swear, don’t have sex. Just listen carefully and don’t object (even if you don’t agree), you can nod or make non-committal “Mmm” sounds. If he demands that you answer something, repeat in other words what you have already said: you deserve more, I cannot give it to you.

If he says, no, I really want you, I don’t need anyone but you, answer: “I’m very sorry” or “I understand, but I can’t give you what you want.”

That is, stick to the same line as at the beginning:

• It’s hard for you to talk about it;
• you don't know how to say it, but you are not able to give him what he needs;
• you have made a decision;
• there is no reason other than that you do not see a future in your relationship;
• you both deserve better in life.

Don't give him any reason why or what he did wrong. It's best to end this conversation quickly.

Safety precautions when ending a relationship with a man

Ideally, you should talk to your ex-partner in person. This will be more respectful and allow him to have his say, which is important. But this option is not always suitable in a real situation.

• If you do not live together and your relationship is no more than 1-2 months old, then you can talk on the phone.
• If you live together, it is better to do this in person, unless you are afraid that the man may react aggressively.
• Tell someone you trust 100% about the upcoming conversation (mom, grandmother, decent friend). You can also call her and put the phone in your pocket so she can hear what's going on.
• If your partner is capable of aggression, have someone with you when talking - your mother, father or other responsible companion, this person may be in another room. If you are not sure of your own safety even in this case, you should not do this personally.
• Never send a text or message via e-mail: At a minimum, we need to talk on the phone.

In my youth, I used this method when I decided to end my relationship with a guy: I stopped doing all the good things for him, began to deliberately irritate him, and when he exploded and said unpleasant things to me, I was demonstratively offended and left, leaving him to blame. Today I understand that it was cowardly and such manipulation leaves bad feelings, so it’s better to part ways peacefully and kindly. But then I didn’t have the right words and I didn’t know how to do it.

How to take care of a man's feelings during a breakup

It’s strange for men if a breakup happens “out of the blue.” Therefore, it is better if he takes care in advance and understands that something is happening and prepares himself mentally for the changes. It is precisely these goals that are achieved by silent, calm and detached behavior, leaving for a few days to visit mother, and lack of telephone contact.

This way, your relationship will already be broken, so it's easier to turn temporary into permanent. You should not reproach a man for his misdeeds or explain to him the reasons. After all main reason is that you don't want to be with him anymore. No matter what exactly he did wrong, you have made a decision and do not expect any action from him.

Some girls think that it is necessary to tell the man the “reason” for breaking up so that he can “correct.” What, you didn’t tell him about this problem before? If you did, then he already knows very well what you don’t like. At the moment of separation, the most important thing for you is to end the relationship. This is where you need to concentrate your efforts. Talking about his mistakes and misdeeds here will only get in the way: showdowns, excuses will begin, the conversation may turn to a raised tone - as a result, you will have a quarrel, but you wanted to leave peacefully. Leave the re-education to the next woman who may be able to achieve the desired result. You've already tried and it didn't work out - that's why you decided to end the relationship.

Good afternoon, Ekaterina. 6 years ago I met a foreigner my age on the Internet. He cared about me very much, loved me, helped me financially, bought me an apartment. Of course, the difference in cultures took its toll, sometimes we quarreled, sometimes we were silent and didn’t talk on the phone for a week, but nevertheless we were firmly convinced that we would be together all our lives. They lived like this for 6 years and visited each other. I didn’t go to live with him because I have a sick mother and a son who is graduating from school this year. And my chosen one agreed with me and was determined to wait, although we were both very bored. He is average a regular guy with ordinary income. And now, after 6 years, he suddenly told me that he could no longer be with me, since he could not ensure our joint future in his country, and that he no longer had the same feelings for me. I tried to persuade him to think, said that I love him, and cried, said that money is not the most important thing, the main thing is that we found each other - but all in vain. As I understand it, I became a burden for him from a material point of view. He is also worried and sends me SMS, but still makes it clear that we have no future - I’m just part of it... What should I do? How can I get it back? Thanks in advance.

Larisa, Moscow, 40 years old

Answer:

Hello, Larisa.

Interethnic unions are usually very difficult for both participants. Not only due to the difference in cultures and mentalities, but rather due to the fact that it is difficult to build and maintain relationships at a distance. Such relationships do not give partners a feeling of security and completeness and do not provide complete satisfaction. There is always a feeling that there seems to be a personal life, but it seems there isn’t. And if this kind of connection drags on without transforming into marriage or cohabitation, then the union usually loses energy. Interest and emotions decrease, partners begin to notice that there are attractive men and women at a closer distance who do not need to wait for months for a short meeting, with whom it is easier to communicate due to cultural identity and relationships can be built right now, rather than dreaming about the future. Therefore, the reason of a material nature is not perceived very convincingly in the context of your description of the relationship. Moreover, you made it clear to the man that you are not afraid of difficulties and difficulties. For him, apparently, this does not sound convincing, or he was completely honest with you, saying that his feelings for you have changed. This option is more like the truth. You are more inclined to think that you have become a burden for a man; I understand that this reason is easier to accept than the loss of desire. However, the man himself offered help, he himself made the decision to support you financially, and if you have such a close relationship as you describe, “I’m just part of him...”, then he would probably be able to explain to you that the situation has changed, and he can no longer support you, but you are important to him and he still loves you. But he took another step - he let you know that he did not see a common future. And this is his decision. It is difficult for you to accept him because you have merged with him emotionally. You have forgotten that you are separate individuals, different and unique, you are not a single whole, as you thought. And now the man, cutting off this connection, hurts you. Are you asking how to get it back? They let their loved ones go, sincerely wishing them happiness, even if it is not with you. Who knows what will happen next... Perhaps, having felt free, the man will understand that he misses you... or maybe he will build another life without you... You cannot hold him by force, especially since you are V different corners planets. So now try to explain to him that you feel pain and disappointment. That for you the reason of a material nature does not play a significant role. That you love him and are ready to let him go, precisely because of this feeling. And if he still feels that he was mistaken in his decision, you will wait for him for some time. In my opinion, this is the only adult way to solve the problem. All other ways will be attempts to manipulate a man for his own purposes. I cannot offer you this option. Good luck!

Sincerely, Ekaterina Kondratieva.

Hello, dear readers! Living together things don't always work out the way we would like. Finding your person with whom you will be comfortable until the end of your days is extremely difficult. Sometimes it seems that you have met just such a person, but after a few years the relationship no longer works. Why does this happen, what prevents you from breaking up with a person and how to end a relationship that has no future?

How do you know when a relationship is over?

I believe that main factor- a feeling of comfort next to a person. When you can just sit silently, or do something together. When you support each other and develop together, you move forward. If this is not the case, then there is no future. What other signs might suggest that it is better to abandon this relationship?

Sex. If you are dating only for him, then most likely you will not be able to build a family. Of course, bed is extremely important, but it should not be the priority of the relationship. Therefore, if you have nothing in common except overnight meetings, then you should think about where you will end up.

Development. If your relationship is stuck at one level, then I have bad news for you. First, both partners must want to do something and work on the relationship. Secondly, where there is no development, there is no future. This is often done. They promise that they will divorce, but everything remains at the level of promises.

In addition, the development of each spouse individually is very important in family happiness. How often do I meet partners, one of whom has greatly outgrown the other. This is what complicates your communication. You have less and less in common and at one point you realize that nothing else but past memories connects you.

Why is it so difficult?

How can we understand what is stopping us from breaking off a relationship that has long since ended? Of course, the first reason is fear. Fear, without a loved one and already loved one. It seems that things will never be better than with your ex. This fear prevents you from making a difficult but important decision.

Another reason is joint children, property, and so on. Often it is these factors that keep spouses from deciding to separate. But in any situation, you can come up with a way out and find the most convenient option for everyone, if you wish.

Emotions can get in the way of making healthy decisions. It seems that love has not cooled down yet. As soon as you think about breaking up, a lump rises in your throat, and your eyes begin to shine with tears. Doubts immediately appear. You need to try to really understand what awaits you in the future. And if you receive an unsatisfactory answer, then you should cast aside all doubts.

Of course, breaking up with a person is always difficult. You lived together for a long time, got used to each other, established a common life. How can you take it and quickly abandon it?

What to do?

If you are sure that the relationship cannot be saved, then the only way out is to separate. I have an article "". You will certainly find useful and practical tips in it.

In any case, you need to try to do everything correctly and beautifully. You shouldn’t part with scandals, hysterics and accusations. In addition, such news should never be communicated over the phone or by text message. Have respect for the person who loved you and was there for you. Even if it’s scary, you still have to figure out what and how to say in person, looking into the person’s eyes.

Ask your parents, girlfriends for advice, listen similar stories and draw conclusions for yourself. And don't try to do everything quickly. Rushing can show a person that you don't care. But there is no point in delaying this decision. The longer you wait, the harder it will be to take the last step.

Remember that not everyone accepts the proposal: let's remain friends. A lot of guys don't want to see ex-girlfriend. So just try to maintain human relations.

Take this conversation seriously. Be calm, don't speak quickly. Don't blame your partner, but don't say that everything is your fault. It would be best to say that your relationship has reached a dead end, you do not see further development.

Perhaps your partner has a suggestion on how to fix this. Sometimes a second chance really does save you. But in any case, it's up to you to decide!

How long have you thought that your relationship has no future? How do you think your relationship will turn out after the breakup? How long have you been together?

You shouldn’t drag out something that is long overdue to be let go. Don't be afraid and move forward boldly, and the right person will definitely appear nearby.
Good luck to you!